I'm Neutral

another blog

2011-05-30T14:20:00.000-05:00

hey all,

if anyone still reads this, or if it's still in your rss feed even though you never really see it pop up any more. i haven't been blogging as much. it's easy to state the obvious. i have been writing though. i've been feeling very compelled to write a lot more, and something good is beginning there. however i don't feel that i need to be sharing most of that writing publically yet. i am writing in different places (personally) and different projects. i may still blog on here from time to time, but probably much more infrequently.

we also have something of an experimental blog for our community. i may be writing on there occassionally, perhaps a bit more often than here. so check that out if you want to: kcroots.wordpress.com

in peace and hope,
luke

the spiritual discipline of groaning

2011-05-06T15:41:00.000-05:00

a friend of mine was sharing with me some about pain. not so much her pain, but pain in others that she could see. that got me thinking about the difference with which we see our own pain and the pain in other people. take a minute to think about that.

if you are in a place of sharing, a place where someone feels free to open up about their pain--maybe just a crack in the door, but through that crack you can see so much, how do you view them? perhaps you may feel a bit embarrassed at the candor. perhaps you will feel uncomforable at your inability to respond, to do anything for them or about their pain. but if you are close, you will most likely want to comfort them somehow.

the problem is that we normally are not very good comforters. we try to speak words that our friend cannot really hear. we mumbled cliches and trite phrases that are supposed to mean something significant, whether there be any truth in them or not. if we are at our best, perhaps we will just sit in silence. maybe a slight touch--nothing coddling.

this is certainly a significant thing. but still so often it feels incomplete. it lacks.
now think about those moments when you have been the person in pain, if you've had the good fortune to have people in your life with whom you could crack that door. or possibly a few well-meaning ones who have even pushed it open themselves a bit. how do you feel? if i'm not mistaken, we all to some extent feel a tension between holding our pain and releasing out onto others. for pain to truly be released in that way it must be shared--the other must feel to a degree that pain as well. this is a burden we do not always like to put on others, even close friends, because we know it will affect them. our pride invites us to take it all on ourselves and hold that pain. but no one can bear the weight of the pain of life and really live. and yet still we are hesitant to share.

this is perhaps why therapy came about. a sophisticated and socially acceptable way to dump our feelings out--often by staying within the calm detachment of releasing memories of the mind, which subsequently provide a bit of temporary emotional relief through the secondary effects of intellectual insight. a "good will hunting" breakdown only occurs after much intellectual banter and dancing, and most often that sort of breakthrough never happens--at least with another person. rarely does therapy lead to significant, lasting healing.

talking it out. silence. perhaps if we are able to let go of our pride enough, there is occasionally a moment of breakdown and a touch of the healing of tears. but this is a rare and difficult place to come to.

maybe there would be something to learning how to groan with one another, like my friend suggested. paul says that the spirit intercedes with us with groans too deep for words. maybe in those occasions where words too much, and silence is not quite enough, we could somehow learn to groan together and for one another in prayer. that may sound a little strange, especially as we like to keep things close to the chest. but if there are times when even the Holy Spirit cannot have words, then maybe it would be something good for us to learn as well.

a poem

2011-02-18T16:05:00.000-06:00

Procedure of Divine Love

'Twas my purpose, on a day,
To embark, and sail away.
As I climbed the vessel's side,
Love was sporting in the tide;
"Come," he said, - "ascend - make haste,
Launch into the boundless waste."
Many mariners were there,
Having each his separate care;
They that rowed us held their eyes
Fixed upon the starry skies;
Others steered, or turned the sails,
To receive the shifting gales.
Love, with power divine supplied,
Suddenly my courage tried;
In a moment it was night,
Ship and skies were out of sight;
On the briny wave I lay,
Floating rushes all my stay.
Did I with resentment burn
At this unexpected turn?
Did I wish myself on shore,
Never to forsake it more?
No - "My soul," I cried, "be still;
If I must be lost, I will."
Next he hastened to convey
Both my frail supports away;
Seized my rushes; bade the waves
Yawn into a thousand graves:
Down I went, and sunk as lead,
Ocean closing o'er my head.
Still, however, life was safe;
And I saw him turn and laugh:
"Friend," he cried, "adieu! lie low,
While the wintry storms shall blow;
When the spring has calmed the main,
You shall rise and float again."
Soon I saw him, with dismay,
Spread his plumes, and soar away;
Now I mark his rapid flight;
Now he leaves my aching sight;
He is gone whom I adore,
'Tis in vain to seek him more.
How I trembled then and feared,
When my love had disappeared!
"Wilt thou leave me thus," I cried,
"Whelmed beneath the rolling tide?"
Vain attempt to reach his ear!
Love was gone, and would not hear.
Ah! return, and love me still;
See me subject to your will;
Frown with wrath, or smile with grace,
Only let me see your face!
Evil I have none to fear,
All is good, if you are near.
Yet he leaves me - cruel fate!
Leaves me in my lost estate -
Have I sinned? Oh, say wherein;
Tell me, and forgive my sin!
King, and Lord, whom I adore,
Shall I see your face no more?
Be not angry; I resign,
Henceforth, all my will to thine:
I consent that you depart,
Though your absence breaks my heart;
Go then, and for ever too:
All is right that you will do.
This was just what Love intended;
He was now no more offended;
Soon as I became a child,
Love returned to me and smiled:
Never strife shall more betide
'Twixt the bridegroom and his bride.

--Jeanne Guyon (1648-1717)

till it's christmas

2010-12-17T14:15:00.001-06:00

Christmas In The Room by keep7925

10 days

2010-11-03T23:49:00.000-05:00

in ten days i will be getting married.

all the preparation has kept me quite busy, along with everything else that already goes on in normal life. i haven't really written much of anything for some time now, but i miss it. ideas are constantly coming up into my head for stories, for blogs, for musings, for poems. and then that little voice that sneaks its whispers in, "don't forget, you are a writer."

it's sounds a little pretentious, i know. especially when you haven't published anything or made a dime off writing. but it's more of an identity thing. no, not identity. that's not the right word. vocation? you're supposed to make money with that too, right? how about that it's in my soul? yeah, i could say that.

there is something in writing that is cathartic to my soul.

you see, writers see the world a little differently. they see things from angles that express a slightly tilted world--one a little off from how you usually see it. they pick up the essence of a "character" in a short conversation with a stranger. they are usually a little strange, perhaps slightly "disturbed" as other people might call it. i like to think i do a pretty good job of hiding it.

so, all that to say, here's to writing again. which begins now, not tomorrow, not after the wedding or after this or after that. start where you are.

ok so back to this marriage thing. today we had our final meeting with the pastors who are marrying us. it was good, mostly going over final details and such, but also praying deeply about all of this. and in one of the prayers a phrase stuck out to me, "knitting our souls together." it stuck out, not because i got a mental image of a giant old man dressed in white clinking knitting needles together while he listens to prayers, but because this is a deep and great mystery. and the picture of knitting together captures a very small piece of that mystery.

i will begin and continue to experience this great mystery of love and union that is so powerful and unique. and i only am coming to that through an engagement of absolute commitment. i am very intrigued by the relationship between mystery and commitment, but i'm saving those thoughts for another venue (where perhaps i'll actually get paid for writing it! oo i know you're curious now, aren't you? i'll let you know, don't worry.)

the thing about knitting together souls souls that is a fitting image rather than say, the melting together of metals (which you don't really hear), is that each one keeps its identity though it is interwoven within the other's. yes the busyness of planning a wedding and craziness of life at certain times can pull you away from who you are and the things you love, but that only for a time. true and healthy intimacy will always affirm and exalt the other person in who they truly are, and allow them the space to live it without suffocating for personal need/dependency.

it's the mystery that as you completely and fully give yourself to another person you actually find that you have become more yourself. i feel this is what so many people do not realize when they fear commitment or overlook the significance of marriage by entering into it without their whole selfs.

and that is where this all ties together (see i did that writer thing). coming closer to the time of marriage, and i'm sure after actually being married, i will only experience a greater desire and welling up of my soul to write, because that is who i am. and in my love for heather and her love for me i am compelled to be a better man, to be more fully myself, to live a life that is significant--and a big part of that for me is creating through writing.

ten days and i will be united with another human being in a way that is indescribable. and at the same time in ten days i will be more fully myself than i ever have been before. amen.

did i say ten? i think it's after midnight now, close enough right?. . . not that i'm eager or anything.

christoga???

2010-10-18T09:53:00.000-05:00

really........?

Christoga from Alin Bijan on Vimeo.

ps maybe one of these days i'll return to writing, probably after the wedding.

the yes men

2010-09-18T08:53:00.002-05:00

some engagement photos

2010-08-15T10:51:00.037-05:00

today

2010-08-10T23:02:00.000-05:00

ok ok ok i know it's been awhile. and you probably thought this blog was dead. well i am still hopeful that perhaps someday i will have time to write more. things have just been crazy busy. i've got a lot going on right now--no time to blog! but today was so eventful i just couldn't let it pass without recording all the preceding events. so here's the run-down:

~ accomplished a bit more on putting together our wedding website. link will come when completed.

~ selected paper color and weight for our forthcoming wedding invitations

~ booked our registration for the ccda conference in september. volunteers pay only $25!

~ booked out honeymoon!!!! i'm not one for this usually, but this deserves all caps--ITS FREAKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!! heather's aunt and uncle so generously offered us a week on their timeshare, and after doing the research of what was availabe and what fit our dates, we're going to MALTA!!! now if you don't know where malta is, this might help:

for those of you who don't know malta is a small little mediterranean island south of italy. the resort is top notch and we feel so blessed to have been given this amazing incredible opportunity! it looks something like this:

oh and this is where we're staying:

yeah. i know.

~ then we went and got heather a car! insane i know! my brother-in-law was going to trade in his 2003 taurus and they didn't offer him very much, and he heard we were looking for a car so he just gave us it for the same as the trade-in offer! such another huge blessing.

~ then we went to pick out wedding bands. heather found a really great one and i am still deciding. it's tough. i mean, i'll have it the rest of my life!

~ and tonight we had fun with the community--community dinner, ice cream after at foo's frozen custard, followed by a viewing of run fatboy run, one of my favorite comadies.

to say the least, all in all it was a pretty great day!

Great Lake Swimmers - River's Edge

2010-06-28T10:55:00.000-05:00

"the curse"

2010-06-14T17:02:00.001-05:00

by josh ritter
video by liam hurley

tomorrow they may wraps fishes in it

2010-06-08T11:32:00.000-05:00

source

this is too good

2010-05-28T11:36:00.000-05:00

i am so pumped.

moonlight bride

2010-05-27T11:27:00.007-05:00

Coal Miners by keep7925

mary

2010-05-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

janelle monáe

2010-05-18T08:10:00.002-05:00

Cold War by keep7925

polarization | or | what's wrong with america

2010-05-16T14:54:00.001-05:00

in the second part of my exploration of american life, i would like to examine something that is perhaps the most frustrating thing to me about our american culture: polarization. primary political polarization, but it also at times expands into other areas. this is a large topic that brings out a lot of emotion from me--so organizing my thoughts may prove difficult. follow as you can.

recent polarization in america is rooted in politics. red state blue state. fox news msnbc. opposing political ideas is not the problem. emotion-based politics over rational politics is partly to blame. the political figure as celebrity over platforms of policy is another negative aid. but the heart of the blame lies in the two-party system.

now before you attack me as an enemy of democracy, let us first consider just how democratic our democracy is. democracy simply means a government by the people. and when you consider the two-party system, you must realize that as much as 49% of the people are not "for" the current government. "that's not my president" is a common bumper sticker of late. even less extreme is just the common disagreement and lack of any sort of representation for those whose candidate they supported lost. this creates the feeling within people that they have no voice. so they get angry and allow the angry anchors and figures at fox news and talk radio to yell for them. or they pride themselves in their "intellectual superiority" disdaining opposing views as antiquated.

but perhaps that's just the way it is--isn't that the nature of elections and voting? this is a very important concept: democracy is not majority rules. democracy, or rather what we actually have--a republic, implies representation. but is that possible to have everyone represented? unfortunately i think most americans just believe that it simply is not. however if you were to know about parliamentary systems in many european countries you would know otherwise. in their parliament (like our congress), the parties receive as many representatives as the percentage of vote their party receives. so if the christian democratic party receives 13% of the vote they get that many representatives. not only does this represent much more of the population, it also takes the focus off of particular individuals and onto the actual policies of that party. it also keeps politicians from straying from their party's ideals and principles.

i'm sure the parliamentary system has it's flaws too, and the whole grass is always greener thing--but facing the problems that we are it sounds pretty appealing to me. it sounds much more democratic.

but that isn't the system we are in, and so we experience polarization. we have "news" channels that are businesses motivated by the dollar and so they are much more concerned with selling their program than thinking about the effect that their shows have on their viewers as participants in a government system. let's also put talk radio in the same category. it's all about the ratings. they use hyperbole and loaded language and emotions to bump up their ratings with very little regard for social function. sure they believe the things that they are saying, but do they believe they are really accomplishing progress and help for the american people? maybe they do, but at what cost? polarization results in no middle ground to move forward, so extremes must be taken because the ends justify the means for the radical. this in turn creates further divergence and increases anger through the means of fillibusters, and in more extreme conditions further political corruption.

but at the more basic level this just keeps us from having intelligent conversations. we are unable to talk to people with normal conversations because we write them off by their label. liberal. conservative. fundamentalist. elite. or by the position they take on a single issue.

no the media is not solely to blame for this of course. we are as well for having listened to them. and there are many other sources of the error. we have become increasingly polarized, and i don't see how this will change.

if i had the skills and the desire and the ability to invest my energy anywhere politically, it would be to try and raise a third party that held to christian values on both sides of the political landscape. pro life both before and after birth. social justice and personal responsibility. etc. etc. etc. but let's be honest--financially it could never compete. and in the current system it could never get enough representatives to make any sort of difference. just ask ron paul.

what do you think can/should be done about polarization in america?

jean vanier 1

2010-04-26T10:42:00.000-05:00

Some people flee from commitment because they are frightened that if they put down roots in one soil they will curtail their freedom and never be able to look elsewhere. It is true that if you marry one woman you give up millions of others--and that's a curtailment of freedom! But freedom doesn't grow in the abstract; it grows in a particular soil with particular people. Inner growth is only possible when we commit ourselves with and to others. We all have to pass through a certain death and time of grief when we make choices and become rooted. We mourn what we have left behind.

So many people do not realise that in giving up everything to follow Jesus and live in community, he gives back everything a hundredfold.

land of the free

2010-04-14T13:20:00.066-05:00

"but who would want an american soul?"

not too long ago i watched the movie cold souls, with paul giamatti. it was pretty funny dark humor. it was about storing your soul and being set free from its burdens, and even being able to try on other people's souls for a time. this led to a large soul trafficking business operated by the russians. when the suggestion is made that they could not only send russian souls to america, but perhaps bring some back if people wanted them--that is when this line is said.

which struck me. in the movie the joke is that the only american soul with any value is that of an american actor. russian poet sounds like a soul someone would buy. but apparently the only thing americans have a soul for is pretending to be someone else. like the best of jokes, it strikes perhaps because there is some truth to it.

maybe not real truth--just perception. there are many talented and rich american artists in music and film. but many would say america is still lagging behind in literature and art. of course, according to who? well, the nobel prize people, but who put them in charge? of course they would preference european stuff.

i have heard it said though that america is in many ways much like an adolescent culture, in comparison to european culture which is much older (read: wiser). this is very western-focused, but isn't it true to some degree? don't americans look up to europe like the older brother who seems to be so much cooler? even though the younger brother has surpassed the older in prowess and ability. then could you say the same about rising cultures like india and china in how they view america yet have their great abilities and disciplines? i'm diverting a little.

still the question remains, "who would want an american soul?" what is the american soul? is there anything that makes it great? do we as americans have something of an inferiority complex--where deep down we wonder if we are really as inwardly rich as other cultures? does this lead to our arrogance? or is it just the position of power we have over the rest of the world that goes to our head?

as individuals, how do we see ourselves stacking up against the rest of the world? would you say americans are on a whole immature? what is our obsession with television and sports all about? why are our politics so juvenille like small children fighting for their side? why are americans statistically far more generous in giving money than any other nation on the planet? what are the other questions we should be asking?

i've found myself thinking a lot about american life lately. culture, the church, music, television, art, even a little politics. i want this entry to be the first of a series on american life. i know that's a broad topic, but i want to try to understand more. i want to know what is at the heart of the american soul. that's a lofty goal eh?

if you have any thoughts or ideas for topics please feel free to share.

the winston jazz routine

2010-04-10T12:22:00.000-05:00

the winston jazz routine-an engineered interest by keep7925

russian cinema

2010-03-29T16:45:00.000-05:00

recently i have watched two russian films and thoroughly loved them. now you may say but of course luke would love russian films. and that may be true. but i think you would enjoy them too, if you like cinema. not just movies, but film. especially the first. i recommend checking them out--if you're in to that sort of thing. (the great thing being that no one knows if they are or not because who of you have seen one single russian film? eh? eh? give it a try!)

12

the island

both are on instant streaming netflix if you have it.

and soon i will write more and offer fewer videos. soon.

can you say 2011 oscar?

2010-03-23T18:22:00.004-05:00

if only this was real...

"Weird: The Al Yankovic Story" from Aaron Paul

aixois iv

2010-03-22T14:45:00.000-05:00

i just want to say
that sitting outside
wearing flip flops
sunglasses
and a t-shirt
in the shade
because the sun was too hot
next to piles of snow
and budding trees
drinking hot espresso
is a little weird.

and glorious.

double down

2010-03-20T15:56:00.001-05:00

another video for your appreciation

up in your grill

2010-03-19T18:53:00.000-05:00

this is wretched. the worst part is i'm pretty sure he's serious.

mew

2010-03-18T11:06:00.003-05:00

i love this band. new music player--hope it works better!

07. Mew - Cartoons And Macrame Wounds by keep7925

green

2010-03-17T13:31:00.000-05:00

oh the irony of history.

today is st. patty's day, which as most people are aware of is honoring st. patrick. of course very few of the people who celebrate the day most will know very much about the ballsy old scotsman. yes, that's right, he was scottish--not irish. he was taken as a slave to ireland, and return as a missionary after God orchestrated his escape. maybe people have heard the story of how pat chased all the snakes off the cliff, banishing them from ireland to this day. but there are much more incredible lore around the saint. i won't go into it too much except to point out perhaps the most ironic one on this day.

st. patrick never wanted people to wear green. green was the pagan celtic color which was used to draw in the presence of demons to your aid. patrick would never have wanted his day to be honored by people wearing the color that traditionally in his day was used to call forth demons. he probably wouldn't have even wanted his own day, but that's beside the point.

so today, as a means of truly honoring st. patrick, don't wear green. if you're wearing green, take it off right now (place appropriate of course). and if someone pinches you, tell them they might as well wrap snakes around their body and scream incantations to the underworld.

happy st. patrick's day!

the jewel on thin ice

2010-03-13T23:50:00.000-06:00

If the jewel which every one desired to posses lay far out on a frozen lake where the ice was very thin, watched over by the danger of death, while, closer in, the ice was perfectly safe, then in a passionate age crowds would applaud the courage of a man who ventured out, they would tremble for him and with him in the danger of his decisive action, they would grieve over him if he were drowned, they would make a god of him if he secured the prize. But in an age without passion, in a reflective age, it would be otherwise. People would think each other clever in agreeing that it was unreasonable and not even worth while to venture so far out. And in this way they would transform daring and enthusiasm into a feat of skill, so as to do something, for after all "something must be done." The crowds would go out and watch from a safe place, and with the eyes of connoisseurs appraise the accomplished skater who could skate almost to the very edge (i.e. as far as the ice was still safe and the danger had not yet begun) and then turn back. The most accomplished skater would manage to go out to the furthermost point and then perform a still more dangerous-looking run, so as to make the spectators hold their breath and say: "Ye Gods! How mad; he is risking his life."

~Soren Kierkegaard in This Present Age

boogie down

2010-03-09T17:04:00.000-06:00

impromptu dance party--right now, right where you are. doesn't matter if it's public or private. wherever you are get up and dance to this music. don't be afraid. people will love it. do it.

(also my apologies for the video--houndbite has seemingly bit the dust and i've yet to find a suitable alternative. any suggestions?)

so. excited.

2010-03-04T01:07:00.030-06:00

now that the olympics are over, we can turn our attention onto something that really matters. don't get me wrong, i like the olympics, but in comparison--not even close. sure the medal counts are great and athletes devote their entire lives to standing on the podium, but how about literally an entire nation living or dying by the stroke of a foot? there is no greater sporting event than the world cup.

now i know this is hard for americans to grasp, especially those that aren't that into soccer. they might argue about the super bowl or march madness or even the grandness of the olympics. but nothing is more super, grand, or has more madness than the world cup. players have literally been killed because of mistakes they made in the games. i'm not saying that's a good thing, but americans must realize the intensity with which basically every other country in the world views this event. even the countries that don't qualify probably care much more than the average u.s. citizen. and that is just sad.

a blog i read reminded me that the games are under 100 days away, and i can't contain my excitement. it was one of the saddest things nearly four years ago when i realized i wasn't going to be able to watch another u.s. world cup game for another four years. the fact that it is so infrequent just adds to the insane excitement. and that day of thrill and joy is almost coming again, and hopes are high. we have drawn a pretty good pool, with england being our stiffest competition. but 2 teams make it through and we really should have no trouble advancing. but then again it's the world cup, and anything can happen.

i really want to encourage you all to take part in the games this summer. watch a couple matches, and try to watch them with people who are passionate about the game. even if you aren't a soccer fan, the energy that exudes from these games is unreal. after all, no one is really an avid speed skating fan--but you enjoy it during the olympics. this can be the same way. the games are so exciting and you know all the while that an entire country is more invested in the game you're watching than you have been for any game of any kind you've ever watched.

and if you have a hard time understanding soccer, again, watch it with someone who knows. i'll be happy to watch games with you if you like--i will be spending quite a bit of time watching as many games as i can. after all, it won't come around for another four years--and by then i'll be in my thirties with who knows what all else going on? i can't wait! here is a little video to get you pumped up:

positive press?

2010-03-01T14:23:00.001-06:00

the other day the new york times ran an article entitled "Learning from the Sin of Sodom," which talked about evangelicals in a mostly positive light. it was written by nicholas d. kristof, columnist and winner of two pulitzers. i don't read the times, but it's gotten some play on several blogs i read so i thought i would check it out. it's not very long, so go read it, and then continuing reading my post. or don't, and just keep reading.

my first thought after reading this article was "oh good, some positive press and exposure for the evangelical church--and actually from a really legitimate source." but then i thought about how the evangelical church would most likely botch this up--how they would get all excited about how someone if finally noticing how great they are and all the good things they do. chalk up a few good points on the board. maybe it's the cynic in me, but i can't help but think of it like this. like when christians get all excited about an athlete or a politician because he is a strong christian--like we should be for him cause he's "in the club." note the importance of the word "strong," which is an important modifier, lest we confuse them with the nominal faith of just about every politician.

this is not such a bad thing in and of itself perhaps. it is probably good for people to see that evangelicals are not all single-issue hyper-conservatives. and it is ok for christians to be proud of other Christ-followers doing well in the world. what i'm concerned about though is that evangelicals will be so happy to receive a little praise from the world, that they may fail to see what it is they are being praised for.

let's look at the conclusion of the article:
"If secular liberals can give up some of their snootiness, and if evangelicals can retire some of their sanctimony, then we all might succeed together in making greater progress against common enemies of humanity, like illiteracy, human trafficking and maternal mortality."

doesn't that sound nice? a little cooperation and appreciation for one another and we may actually get some things done to make this world a better place. so what's the problem with this?

first let me draw up a distinction. i have been referring to evangelicals in the third person because i tend to not count myself among them. not because i disagree with the basic historical tenets that compromise evangelicalim (biblical authority, centrality of jesus, personal salvation), but because of all that term has come to represent. for awhile the term post-evangelical gained some vogue, but it was amorphous and often confusing. people mixed it up with emerging church and though this article was helpful, it is still rather unclear. probably most accurately it was a way to distinguish younger generation church-raised kids who were disgruntled at some of the abuses and narrowness of the evangelical church, or its perception as such. for me it was mostly because of perception, and the desire to draw from other christian traditions the richness and healthy components of christianity lacking in modern evangelicalism. that's a long topic though, maybe for another post.

i bring this up because this ny times article will really appeal to the post-evangelical (particularly) youth. social action is a big concern for post-evangelicals. it is one of their major critiques of the conservative evangelical church, concerned only with personal morality and gnostic conversion experiences (affects the soul alone). this was a healthy critique, but now the danger is that we simply go about trying to make the world a better place while not really giving attention to people's eternal destiny, or the acknowledgement of sin in humility and the need for repentence--what was once overemphasized is now often passively set aside or even forbidden. see world vision's policy reflected in the ny times article.

whether this is a misrepresentation of their attitude or not, it is clearly the reflection of the opinion of the secular world what is needed. "they can go and do all this good work as long as they aren't using it as a means to just create more converts." because this stands in the way of progress. don't try to convert, just work for the common good.

there's a theological side to all of this playing out in many emerging and next-generation churches, but i won't get into all that here. i write all of this i guess more just as a counter balance, for whenever the "world" praises us we should be not necessarily immediately elated, but rather immediately cautious. because the world is not supposed to like us, according to Jesus. we don't like to remember that because as people and as a group we want to be liked--and we want to have a good witness. and we should have a good witness, and we should really make sure that if as christians we aren't liked it's for the right reasons: because we are truly following the principles of Jesus, not because of our lack of love or our stubborn arrogance and superiority.

John knew all of this quite well:

I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.
John 17:14-16

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.
John 15:18-19

This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother's were righteous. Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him.
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us.
I John 3:11-24

questions

2010-02-27T11:52:00.000-06:00

"The church is only the church if it exists for others."
--Dietrich Bonhoeffer

where do you go to church?

who do you exist for?

who do we exist for?

aixois iii

2010-02-24T14:50:00.000-06:00

icicles on an awning
swaying like chimes,
untouched--
a silent song.

like a wave,
or piano keys
ascending a scale--
harmonic.

against the clear sky
they glow,
dripping at angles--
sometimes still.

occasionally they fall
from too much sway,
not allowed to melt--
but break.

thus become the cymbal
in the song,
no more to dance--
no more to give.

so you liked avatar...

2010-02-23T23:18:00.000-06:00

entitled: jack, jake, whoever.

from indexed.

quarry

2010-02-22T14:05:00.000-06:00

i need to get back into taking pictures. any advice?

amish night

2010-02-16T14:32:00.000-06:00

for the next month or so our community will be endeavoring together to practice the discipline of simplicity. we've decided to strive together toward the Lord through the practice of one additional spiritual discipline or practice, along with our regular practices of prayer, bible study, and community meals.

starting with simplicity is a bit of a challenge, because it is easy to turn into an abstraction if left without examples but can easily become legalistic if you try to establish concrete actions on a regular basis. there are also many ways that one can seek to pursue simplicity. it becomes difficult because simplicity is a discipline that has both inward and outward implications. richard foster describes it as “an inward reality that results in a changed lifestyle,” emphasizing that it must begin inwardly and express itself outwardly. perhaps this chart is helpful (though i'm not sure i like the use of the word "offbalance"):

so how do we, as a community, seek to pursue inward simplicity first and then outward simplicity--especially in a collective and concrete way? well we talked a little about pursuing inward simplicity individually, but then thought it would be best as a group to pursue the outward things together that we all already had a bit of an inward reality towards. after several options we decided that a helpful way to practice simplicity would be in area of technology. technology can certainly be a blessing in a lot of ways, but it also has the ability to suck away our time and constantly take our focus away from the things we really need to be devoted to. and that is the heart of simplicty--to be singularly devoted to the Lord and his life for us.

so our collective idea was to spend one night a week removing ourselves from technology--an "amish night" if you will, as it has been deemed. we even refrained from turning on the lights, resorting to candles instead. we did keep the heat on, considering the weather and that we are ill-equiped to light fires in the church with no wood-burning stoves (though if someone has an extra we'd love to put one in our great room!). for dinner we ate red beans and rice, and afterwards we spent much of the evening praying in the chapel--which we usually do on monday nights already.

last night was the first, so i am a little hesitant to come to any conclusions. i'm not so sure that the practice led me to a greater pursuit of inward simplicity and less of a desire to engage with technology (which ironically i'm now writing about on my computer). it was good not to deal with technology for the evening--but then did i just have to catch up today on the things i missed last night? would it be more helpful to commit to practice this discipline on a larger scale? what about an amish week? unfortunately there are things like school that require some degree of technology--but certainly those things could be accounted for. are we selling ourselves too short? trying too little?

well those are things we will discuss as a community, and perhaps make adjustments. but also we need to pursue things individually. i am trying to cultivate silence today as a means of pursuing inward simplicity--though i can't say it's going all that well though so far. what are some ways you think simplicity needs to be pursued, in our culture and in your life? is simplicity something you think about ever?

i'd be interested to hear your thoughts if anyone would like to share. thanks.

revelation

2010-02-13T16:48:00.000-06:00

Revelation

We make ourselves a place apart
     Behind light words that tease and flout,
But oh, the agitated heart
     Till someone really find us out.

'Tis pity if the case require
     (Or so we say) that in the end
We speak the literal to inspire
     The understanding of a friend.

But so with all, from babes that play
     At hide-and-seek to God afar,
So all who hide too well away
     Must speak and tell us where they are.

--Robert Frost

aixois II

2010-02-09T13:38:00.010-06:00

two weeks later
another morning not quite so soft,
i had my same perch--
though my eyes given to pages
telling of crosses:
people and losses.

a woman walks in alone
with a flyer for a found dog.
not particularly striking,
her small moment in the cafe
blows simply away--
outside a smile to the passing old man,
unreturned
through the glass i saw this all.

as one barista quips the trash,
another allows for slight hope--
though the paper set with all the day's sections,
won't last through tomorrow's edition.

my reading halts,
and i can't get past this scene.

it was the smile at the end;
something in her eyes--
let through from far below.
or maybe it was the simple act of kindness,
trying to return a beloved pet
where so many others had just driven on.

i catch myself romanticizing the scenario--
making this woman lonely and tragic,
so kind and caring
yet unnoticed.
and perhaps my storytelling does her a disservice;
perhaps she is quite happy and loved.
i don't really know.

so why does my intuition so strongly disagree?
how can so much be caught in just an instant
through glass
and thousands of unseen memories?
can we be seen in only a moment?
or are those just illusions
until we are one day completely known?
can the eyes truly tell so much?
the soul's jalousie
or our programmed tv?

blonde redhead

2010-02-08T00:45:00.002-06:00

needed a new post if anything just to get past that last one. man i took some heat for that! thank you all for your gracious and caring responses in return for my forthright confession. see if i ever do that again!

well i suppose all i can do is try to redeem myself a little. this is another recent discovery for me, though their last album was 3 years ago. i am really enjoying this. but can you guys listen to this? i am having trouble playing these now--don't know if it's just my computer or something with the website. let me know please if you want. if you can't you can hear it on their myspace, so go have a listen. i think it's worth it--and not only so you know my musical tastes aren't a complete disaster!

"spring and by summer fall"

confessional corner

2010-02-05T16:54:00.003-06:00

ok, ok. this one is bad. sometimes these are little more than joking confessions and i don't really feel all that bad about what i have to share. but this time. oh, this time. this time my words will drip with shame. i am not standing in this corner whispering into the cold dark of the internet. no, i am cowering in shame, hoping that i can in some way be pulled up out of this place of filth and disease, hoping redemption is still possible.

but i get ahead of myself.

those of you who know me well know that i can be pretty opinionated. this is a fact that i've often tried to hide or at least subdue a little bit, though mostly to no avail. let me explain why i have tried though. my family on my dad's side is a heavy mix of italian and irish. it seems that the result was the opinionatedness of the italians with the bull-headedness of the irish. get my dad's siblings together and they will argue for hours about the smallest minute useless point. and not debate. argue. because each one knows without a doubt for certain that they are right. i would give an example if they weren't all so pointless that i've forgotten every single one of them. politics excluded.

this has so scarred me that i deeply fear that i might one day become them. so i try to somewhat subvert my strong feelings toward my opinions when i have them. those of you who know me well might laugh at that statement--but really it could be a lot worse. you don't even know. anyway, i try to limit my strong opinions toward things that don't really matter, usually matters of taste and personal preference. for example--restaurants, books, movies, and quite often music.

music. let's talk about music. for no reason in particular. well, perhaps because the grammy's were just this week. i don't need to go into how terrible the grammy's are, both in award catagories and in selections of artists. it really is a joke and so arbitrary. but that's not the point. the point is that there is so much good music out there and usually very little of it is reflected at the grammy's. it's much too difficult to judge objectively like you can with movies anyway.

but judge we still do. and judge i do. i am something of a music collector. if there is any part of me that you could call "hipster," it would be by music. i don't do it to be cool though, i just really like music. and i am usually less than hesitant to decry horrible music and belittle those who listen to it. don't get me started on country and that distortion you try to call music. and unfortunately the whole world decides that they want to listen to pop so the most overproduced and unoriginal shite goes to the top of the charts and lands on the playlists of millions of teens ipods. i try to catch these poor high schoolers and show them the error of their musical ways, but they rarely listen. sort of like the time i tried to tell middle school boys not to douse themselves with axe body spray. they give you that look like you don't know anything.

which brings me to my confession. it is to my great shame and dismay that i have to admit that i have fallen prey to liking one of these pop monsters. and not just any one, but one of the biggest. i don't even know how it happened really. i read an article that linked a video and i watched it and was hooked. i can't get away from the song. and i'm sorry to say that song is "bad romance" by lady gaga.

i know i know! it's horrible. i actually subjected myself to checking out the rest of the album--both discs, which is complete and utter crap. except maybe poker face, which incidentally sounds like essentially the same song with minor changes. so no i do not like lady gaga. i do not like her album. i just happen to love one of her songs. and i hate that i do. and i'm sorry. and i beg your forgiveness.

the thing is, i want to try to analyze it and somehow justify my liking by seeing some social commentary she's making. i mean, say even her name. lady gaga. it is a baby's cry. she is commenting on society that she can put out the most infantile music and people will run to pick it up like a wailing baby. but she's a lady too, because the themes of her songs are all about being a lady. a lady who has a lot of bad relationships and a fair amount of sex. well crap, i guess that doesn't really work. never mind. i'll accept it. there's no getting around it.

i realize this leaves me with little to no musical credibility. and any time i try to tell someone the music they are listening to is terrible, they will always have this against me. tragic i know, but i must come clean. and in that interest i have to also admit that she is a decent looking lady. no really, she has a nice face--when she actually has all that makeup off and isn't wearing ridiculous hats. and with that, i depart in shame.

a hard winter

2010-02-02T23:08:00.004-06:00

i never really conceptualized that phrase before--"a hard winter." usually it was in conjunction with pioneers or little house on the prairie or something. now a days it usually means having to bundle up a little more to go out and shovel the driveway for an hour a day before returning to the heat. or having to deal with snow and ice on the roads. but hey, throw in a snow day and it makes that hard winter just a little bit easier.

now it's different. i am learning firsthand what a hard winter is really like. for the first time in my life i look forward to spring, not just with slight anticipation but now like a kid pines for christmas morning. "oh won't it be so great when we can take the plastic off these window and it won't feel like we're living in a milk craton!?!" "man it will be nice to not have my feet go numb when i walk to the bathroom in the morning!" "i can't wait till our gas bill is under two thousand for the month!" "it will be great to not need to wear 5 layers when i'm sitting in my room!"

smart wool socks have pretty much now become a permanent part of my feet.

i now know what it feels like to yearn for spring. to fight through a hard winter. and there's part of me that really likes that. the other parts of me are just cold. i don't know how pioneers did it. i mean i know how the pioneers did it--i just don't know how they managed to survive all the complaining from their wives! just kidding--mostly. girls complain about the cold a lot more! i think it's cause they're smaller and can't grow beards. yeah, that probably has something to do with it.

another thing about winter is that as our pastor says, "our folk ain't made for this kind a weather." well probably as a general rule most people don't enjoy this weather. and as a common result people don't like to be outside. our neighborhood just sort of shuts down in the winter. maybe you see people passing every now and then, but just about the last thing they want to do is stop and talk to you and spend one more minute than they have to in that bitter cold. life around here goes into a form of hibernation.

________________

experiencing the seasons seems natural though. it seems somehow closer to reality. we live our lives largely independent of the weather, though we focus on it so much. i don't think there has ever been any culture so concerned with what the weather was going to be than ours is now. why is that? because we are also maybe the least affected by it. we manipulate our crops to survive more and more independently from the way the weather goes. we have waterproof and windproof and coldproof jackets. we have insulation and heaters and fireplaces and space heaters. we have air conditioners and fans and breathable clothes. we adjust our temperatures against the season with tons of money into heating and cooling devices. and that's not a bad thing--a lot less people die now.

but we do all that we can to function as if weather did not exist. we are so inconvenienced when it snows and we can't make our appointments. or rather sometimes we are relieved. but life goes on usually. and it is mostly unaffected.

it is kind of nice to have life affected by the seasons. it forces us to wait. it takes some things out of our control. and that makes us do some other things--like use this time to devote more to prayer, or to playing games with each other, or to working on things indoors. it brings us closer together. and it probably gets us more ready to get out and away from each other as soon as it gets warm!

it's this season. and though we look forward to spring, we can't make it spring any sooner than it comes. it's not worth wishing it was some other time. it is now. and so we live how we can now. and that helps us realize our limits. and maybe that's worth being a little cold. the girls may disagree with me, but i think it's worth it.

spring will be such a delight.

st. brigid of ireland

2010-02-01T09:43:00.009-06:00

well i just finished a pretty good book about st. brendan of ireland. brigid was one of the characters in the book and i happened to learn that today is her feast day.

enjoy a reflection about her life. and celebrate the rich tradition of celtic christianity.

edwin h. friedman

2010-01-30T22:40:00.000-06:00

The emphasis in our civilization on data, on method, on technique, and on social science catagories misdirects leaders in two ways. First it directs them away from the reality of underlying emotional processes. Second, as long as emotional process is ignored, so is the sense of self, which will then undercut a leader's confidence in the uniqueness of his or her own personal being. All of this when what our civilization needs most is leaders with a bold sense of adventure. As I noted earlier, our nation's obsession with safety ignores the fact that every American alive today benefits from centuries of risk-taking by previous generations. While not all Americans share equally in that heritage, to the extent that anyone does, it is because every modern benefit from health to enjoyment to production has come about because Americans in previous generations put adventure before safety. We run the risk of becoming a nation of 'skimmers' who constantly take from the top without adding significantly to its essence.

vision follows obedience

2010-01-26T22:19:00.001-06:00

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
Hebrews 11:8-10

he did not know where he was going.

this my friends, is the anti-business model. this is not how to convince your family you aren't crazy. this is not how to plan for retirement. this is not how to recruit others to your cause. this is not what they teach you in school, or sunday school for that matter.

sometimes, every now and then when i am thinking about the community and all that we are doing, a question slips its way into my mind: what are you doing? it's usually followed by a few moments of panic. what am i doing? why am i down here? am i just crazy? and it's in these moments that i see the true foolishness of it all. it all seems so ridiculous. so contrary to conventional wisdom. how will this affect my kids? what happens when i get older? what if someone gets seriously hurt because of all that we're doing down here? these are not the questions that lead to peace of mind.

it's usually not long after those questions come that i remember something about being fools for Christ (i cor. 4:10) and something else about how the wisdom of the world is foolishness to God (i cor. 3:19). there is a little consolation in this, certainly. and in the precursor to those verses. but then again it can be easy to accept ignorance and irresponsibility on the pretense of being "fools for Christ." how could we even know the full weight of all that we're doing anyway? who's to tell what massive effects and impact this will have on our lives?

i don't find myself asking all this to be dramatic, but rather because the question sits before us: "what is at stake?" and the answers shake my bones.

fortunately they also shake my heart. there is much at stake. there is much to lose. oh but how much there is to gain! and then this is where it becomes difficult. because you ask, "ok, what is there to gain?"

before i try to answer that question, and even when i do it really can only be done with ideals and dreams, i remember that so often in the life of faith vision follows obedience. i'm not saying that this is always the case. but every now and then God calls us somewhere even though we don't know exactly where it is we are going. we are called to step out in faith. to take the leap.

and we're fairly comfortable with this as long as we know that it is just that one step. or the leap that we feel like will lead to us coming down on the other side pretty soon. but when that step is the first on a long path, it ceases to become a step and turns into a journey. it is no longer an action taken, but a life continuously lived. or to put it another way, if one sets out to cross a desert of unknown length, the first step will be difficult, but it will not be the hardest. nor will the final steps heavy with thirst and weariness. but just maybe the hardest will be those not long after the journey has begun, when your thoughts cause you to second guess, and you are still close enough to turn back. whether they are the very hardest or not doesn't really matter. what does is that they are hard enough.

you see because these days such a journey is no longer necessary. we have maps that can tell us how far it is, so we can prepare and know all that we need to complete the task. it's only practical. and we have the scripture to prove it. never mind it's about giving away your entire life. we should still be practical these days. after all, we an afford it. why take the risk when there are so many opportunities that are just as valuable and much more defined and accessible? like the ones with brochures.

we want to know the journey before we begin. we want to know the end of the book before we start reading, just so we know it ends well. we want the vision before we will act. in short, we want to know where we are going.

but this is so often not prudence or practicality. it is for our own comfort. so then faith becomes much less essential. we don't need to trust, fear, and obey. we have the vision and the promise. we know how it's all going to end. and unless we have that assurance we very rarely will even begin, or most likely we won't get very far. not without a purpose. we must have our clearly defined objectives and goals.

maybe that's just human nature. it's certainly in the books about vision casting and motivating people for a cause. sometimes i wonder if Jesus could have made it as a motivational speaker. it seems like too often his words and his demands caused people to walk away in sadness or grumbling.

who will go the way they do not know?

but here's the thing. our commitment is not a barrier to knowledge. no, our faith is not blind. often it requires great risk, but as that life is lived the clearer it becomes. or rather, the further along the journey you go the more the map begins to reveal the path ahead.

and so when i think about this community and how we don't have all the answers to the questions, and how we know more of what we're not supposed to do than what we are, and how we don't really know exactly where it is we are going--i remember that we're in some pretty good company. the path will unfold. and until then we continue to take the steps on the journey God has called us to begin.

we may not yet know our purpose, but we are not without meaning. and we believe there is so much at stake, so much to be gained. maybe another time i'll flesh out some of those specific things.

"If a man wishes to be sure of the road he walks on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark."
St. John of the Cross

city and colour

2010-01-25T22:58:00.002-06:00

"what makes a man"

observations on a quiet morning in aixois

2010-01-23T09:48:00.006-06:00

a folded newspaper tucked under his arm
he quips an offering to the younger baristas,
genuine laughter turns the silent exchange
into a five minute soliloquy.
no tip is earned
and the quiet young men turn to the entering
pack of age-appropriate girls,
offering so much more
but giving far less.
the old man strolls away with his coffee.

another holding his danish and coffee
leans to look at a picture on the wall
spilling three gulps worth across the floor
completely unaware
while the woman pointing at the frame
catches my eye,
and can't stop smiling.

the giant white poodle bounces
on the other side of the window,
wearing a red fleece jacket,
which won't offer much
against the soft grey rain.
the aged golden a few minutes later
stands in contrast,
as it holds at attention,
his red leash laying on the ground
he waits for his master.

now one with a faded green tam
brings in a bouquet of bright sunflowers
adorned with miniature french flags.
he sets the vase next to the baguettes,
and with the chocolate croissant on my table
but for the chattering older women
going on in english--
this could be france.
oh and the sunflowers,
which seem ironic against the muted weather.
do they have sunflowers in paris?

and now the place has mostly cleared out,
except the old friend i've ran into
meeting her friend for coffee and danishes.
and i realize
i'm that watcher
sitting over his coffee.
but my computer is my alibi.
leaving everyone unaware,
except maybe the people sitting behind me.
and all the things i came here to do
still sitting in my bag
but to think,
with my head in a book
all i would have failed to learn.

books you should read!

2010-01-20T10:45:00.001-06:00

ok it's time for the long-awaited third installment in the unending part series "books you should read!" according to luke. how is everyone coming on the last two books? i mean, people, it's been 9 months since the last installment. you could have had a baby in that time! and i know the brothers karamazov is super long--but that was 11 months ago! this series isn't called books maybe you could possibly pick up and peruse if you happen to have a few spare moments. it's the books-you-should-read-as-quick-as-you-possibly-can-because-your-life-as-a-human-being-will-be-greatly-enriched-and-how-can-you-possibly-put-that-off series.

but since i know that most of you have already finished the other two and are just itching for a new book, we'll proceed.

you may have guessed this was the book i was going to choose--gratefulness, the heart of prayer because i have been quoting it more than a few times. suffice it to say this book is chalk full of quotable writing. the thoughts are very penetrating and insightful on a deep level.

"To live a life open for surprise, in spite of all the dying which living implies, makes us ever more alive."

but for all the quoting, this is a book that greatly surprised me with its overall cohesion. it's not that every chapter builds on the others--but the principles of relation that he applies to different virtues somehow always tie in with each other. he can compare the relation between faith and beliefs and somehow draw the same distinction between hope and hopes.

there is almost a systematic approach to the life of faith here, with gratefulness underneath it all. but to use the word "systematic" seems almost criminal. it's easy to read the book and just not realize it's all interconnected, to think that it is just another collection of random thoughts on the spiritual life--but it is much more. taken apart they are great, but put together a brilliance emerges that is beautiful. the poetry he often quotes is wonderful too.

"Take any period in history. Who is still convinced by the arguments of its politicians, its philosophers, even its theologians? But think of the poets of the same period or listen to its music...beauty, even in its most limited realization, holds an unquestionable promise of illimitable fulfillment... Our intellect must labor for truth. Our will must struggle uphill toward goodness. But our feelings flow effortlessly toward beauty, with a graceful ease that reminds us again of the dancing stillness of hope."

and yet is often reads with such a casualness that you might forget you are listening to a master. there is a simplicity in his writing that seemingly can only come from a monk. david steindl-rast was born and raised in austria, studying in vienna for many years before coming to the states, where he became a brother in a benedictine monastery in new york.

i heard about this book from an older brother in the faith. i wrote about him awhile back, and after reading this book i am even further happy with our literary kinship. i was telling him about how much i loved nouwen and merton--and he said that even better than them he loved this guy! that pretty much blew me away and i knew that i had to read this book. i'm not sure i would go that far but it has still been extremely meaningful and rich. i have taken my time with it and sat with its truths. it was a book i was sad to finish because it meant there was no more to read.

"Paradox boggles the mind. But the heart thrives on paradox."

now a few caveats. maybe it was just me, but it took me a little while to get into this book. it sounds so strange because it ended up being so rich. it could have been just getting used to the writing style, or that i wasn't in as a receptive place when i read the first couple chapters. i'm not sure. i have a suspicion that if i went back and reread them (which i will certainly) i would connect with it much more.

part of the hesitation also though was that i thought it may be a little new age and cooky. steindl-rast is an orthodox catholic brother, but he has written a lot on interfaith dialogue and exchange, particularly with eastern religions and monks. i haven't read any of these, so i can't speak for his perspective--but i can understand why it may give caution to some readers. whatever the reality is there, the truth found in this book is still very palpable. there just may be a few other parts that may cause you to pause and use your own discernment a little. but isn't that (or rather shouldn't it be) the case with any book we read?

this is another hard book to get your hands on, so don't bother looking in stores. online is the best option--and there are quite a few cheap used copies out there. if any of you do read it let me know what you think. happy reading!

thank you

2010-01-18T17:29:00.000-06:00

rant:

let me tell you a story. it's a sort of parable actually. one day, Jesus decided to heal 10 lepers. to do this he sent them away to the priests to show them that they had been healed. after this they went on about their way, except for one, who decided to send Jesus a thank you note. he found Jesus' address, which was quite difficult because foxes have holes but this guy lacked a pillow. he wrote out the card, trying to figure out exactly what to say, since basically everything that needed to be said was written on the outside of the card. finally he settled on this:

"thank you Jesus for healing me. i very much appreciate the action and i will make sure to put to good use my now fully functioning body. you're the best.
~samaritan leper"

har har a little cheesy i know. but i was thinking about this the other day and it really got me wondering--what is the deal with thank you notes? i don't mean that question in a seinfeld comedy sketch sort of way, but for real. why have these things become such a cultural norm. not only are they a norm but they are expected and even often passive-aggresively demanded. "unless i get a thank you note well then maybe i just won't give you a present next year!"

you do something nice for someone, but then when you don't get the thank you note in the mail you feel somehow cheated and that they were ungrateful--even though they expressed their thanks several times during or right after the actual event. but that's not enough. we have to get the little card, to show they took the time to care. of course when we receive the card we read it over carefully, usually many times over, frame it, put it up where we can always see it. no! it usually finds its way into the trash very shortly, or for the packrats in some drawer. at best it sits on a shelf for a bit, but usually that space is more reserved for the prettier cards. the thank you note is just a mental checkmark to keep off the negative attitude you would have for not feeling appreciated.

contrary to its original intention, it seems as if the thank you note has come to achieve the exact opposite effect one would hope. not for the receiver, but for the giver. because it has become expected, the thank you note effectively voids any sense of true, free giving. it's not enough for the person to simply say "thank you." we expect the note. otherwise they are ungrateful and they just don't understand the sacrifices we made for them and the least they could do was sit down and write a little note and put it in the mail!

because it's really about us. it's really about them understanding that we have made a great sacrifice in some way through giving to them. i did something for you and you owe me this in proper fashion. anything less would be like the 9 lepers--so unchristian, so impolite. saying the words is actually the same way. we learn to say thank you from a very young age. so much so that when we don't people think we're rude.

just because you did something for someone does not mean that it is your right to receive a thank you. an expression of true thanks should come from the heart of genuine gratefulness, not customary response. and a gift freely given should not require thanks. a response much more truly apt like "de nada"--"it's nothing" rather than "you're welcome."

indeed i believe that any time a thanks is expected or even required, whatever was given was not given freely and is therefore less deserving of a true thanks. politeness has breeded disingenuineness.

or maybe i'm just an insensitive and ungrateful male. perhaps someone would care to correct me?

david steindl-rast 2

2010-01-17T16:52:00.002-06:00

Everything depends, of course, on how pure our hope is, how deeply it is rooted in the heart. There is ample room for self-deception here. So how can we check ourselves?

Maybe we could subject our hope to a simple test. It's not a foolproof test. Nor is it very precise. But it may give us a clue. You may want to try it out on one of your pet projects. First list the various hopes you have in view of that particular project. That's step one. Next, use your imagination to picture every single one of those hopes going down the drain. You may want to dwell on that possibility just long enough to feel the degree of despair to which it would tempt you. The hope that is let after all your hopes are gone--that is pure hope, rooted in the heart.

We have made an important distinction here between hope and hopes. It parallels our earlier distinction between faith and beliefs. We saw that faith leads to beliefs, just as hope leads to hopes. Yet, faith does not depend on beliefs, nor does hope depend on hopes. We even saw that beliefs can get in the way of faith. In a similar sense, hopes can get in the way of hope, stop up and block pure hope's openness for surprise. It makes a world of difference where we put our wight--on those hopes out there ahead of us, or on 'the hope that is within.'

A person of hope will have a whole array of lively hopes. But those hopes do not tell us much. The showdown comes when all the hopes get shattered. Then, a person of hopes will get shattered with them. A person of hope, however, will be growing a new crop of hopes as soon as the storm is over.

escape from oz...and ny...and ne

2010-01-12T21:50:00.000-06:00

last weekend our community took a retreat to the ozarks. why did we go to the ozarks in the dead of winter? because the house was generously offered to us and let's be honest--the lake is much better to look at than to actually swim in it--both aesthetically and biologically.

however there is a slight problem with going to the ozarks in the winter besides the lack of lake activity--snow. there are many large hills and the neighborhoods around the lake are many and the roads are largely uncared for. in fact the snow plow man for the area is 75 and it just so happened that he was sick at the time we happened to be there during this downfall. and he didn't want to go outside and possibly catch pneumonia. understandable, certainly--it's just that maybe that should be taken into account before you have 6 stranded people running out of food after a couple days.

such was our situation. things were getting dire, and we decided that we needed to rise up to the occasion. unfortunately there were no snow shovels to aid us in our process. so, armed with a push-broom and a bag of rock salt, we ventured out onto the unknown roads. that is after we spent quite some time just even getting out of the steep driveway.

it wasn't long before we came upon a pretty steep hill. we got our and started sweeping a path of the wheels up the hill. it was steep. and when we got to what we thought was the top we realized it went on much longer. about a 1/4 mile actually. we pushed the broom all the way to the top, working in shifts when we got tired. another team of 3 followed us carrying rock salt in cups up from the car. after quite some time we made our way back down carefully spacing out our tracks.

fortunately that was the only hill we had to conquer--the rest were already done in a matter of minutes but a giant truck. but ours meant so much more. and i'm convinced that whoever came upon that hill later could see the evidence of our toil, and i know they were impressed. and we had found victory in the survival situation, rescuing ourselves from assured starvation and future cannibalism. thank goodness.

|

this weekend i was taking a train from new york to boston. we had several stops along the way, but somewhere outside of providence rhode island the stop took a little longer than normal. i was listening to headphones and reading so i wasn't sure what was going on. but i did smell something burning. i thought it was coming from the vents but i looked around at my stuff just to make sure.

but yes it was coming from the vents and the engine had somehow burned itself up. giant flames were leaping from the lead car and we had to flee quickly into the surrounding woods which were buried in 3 ft. of snow. ok not really but the engine really was dead. we had to all transfer from one train to another, in the middle of the tracks, cramming into this other train for the remainder of the journey. luckily it wasn't that far and we all made it with only an hour delay.

|

then on my flight back from boston we arrived to kansas city only to find out that it was very foggy, snowing, icing, and freezing. we circled for about 20 minutes, above a very beautiful floor of sun-touched clouds i might add, and then headed off to st. louis to land and refuel. a couple hours later we finally made it back to kansas city. decending through the clouds it was very surpising to reach visibility only just above the runway itself. it was pretty crazy. pulling into the airport it seemed like i'd landed on another planet--some place like hoth or canada. and somehow i had to wonder why it had so regularly been so hard to get back to this blasted ruinous place.

goodbye...

2009-12-31T14:00:00.000-06:00

...2009

epiphany

2009-12-28T12:49:00.000-06:00

well that's definitely enough music for now. i kind of got that idea on a whim and just went with it. hope you enjoyed it and that it made your christmas a little less filled with sub-par music. cause we all know if you were in kansas city you needed a lot of music cause you weren't going anywhere. that snow was crazy! and i loved every minute of it. well, except maybe 40 or so of them where i was shoveling the driveway.

christmas is over, sort of. i mean, if you're in canada saturday was boxing day, and that's all part of the tradition. for you americans that's a day of a lot of shopping with deals and such similar to our black friday--not a day when people fight in the streets. or maybe if you are really unique you do that whole 12 days of christmas thing, and you're only on the 4th day of christmas. i hope you're loving your calling birds.

actually what that holiday corresponds to is an event in the church calendar called epiphany. we don't usually celebrate epiphany, or at least i've only once been a part of a church/community that did. and i don't know why we don't. it is the day to commemorate the revelation of God in human form. maybe we've tried to wrap all that up into christmas. but the problem there is that we have the conception of a little baby. easter reminds us of the cross and resurrection. but there is such a value in celebrating just the simple fact of God being made man and dwelling among us. it is a beautiful thing.

in the west epiphany is generally celebrated as the revelation of God given to the gentiles. this is represented symbolically through the coming of the three wise men to visit Jesus. this is something else that has gotten wrapped up in christmas, but it's pretty clear that the wise men were not there at the birth. they were even perhaps as much as two years after the fact. so christmas, no. epiphany, yes. and they were certainly not jews. in the east they celebrate the event drawing more on the baptism of Jesus to symbolize the meaning. this actually makes a little more sense to me. but you can celebrate it either way you like.

i believe the date this year is on january 6th. i think it always is, or a sunday close to that date. so celebrate it. and you can count these 12 days of christmas leading up to it (do the math: 25th plus 12 takes you to jan 5th--funny how it works like that eh? almost like they planned it).

Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
and gave him the name above all other names,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

Philippians 2:6-11

The people who walk in darkness
will see a great light.
For those who live in a land of deep darkness,
a light will shine.
You will enlarge the nation of Israel,
and its people will rejoice.
They will rejoice before you
as people rejoice at the harvest
and like warriors dividing the plunder.
For you will break the yoke of their slavery
and lift the heavy burden from their shoulders.
You will break the oppressor’s rod,
just as you did when you destroyed the army of Midian.

Isaiah 9:2-4

merry christmas

2009-12-25T09:23:00.000-06:00

i hope you all have a wonderful, delightful christmas.
"come thou long expected Jesus" by derek webb and sandra mccracken

"the christmas song" by denison witmer

alli rogers

2009-12-24T11:50:00.002-06:00

"we've been waiting" by alli rogers

merry christmas eve everyone.

coldplay

2009-12-23T09:38:00.000-06:00

as you can tell from the sound, this comes from back in the day before coldplay sold out. it's quite nice. enjoy.
"have yourself a merry little christmas" by coldplay

death cab

2009-12-22T13:06:00.002-06:00

"christmas (baby please come home)" by death cab for cutie

sufjan stevens

2009-12-21T11:26:00.001-06:00

i'm guessing that a lot of you are familiar with sufjan's christmas box set, the compilation of eps sufjan had release the seven years previous. but this song is actually from volume 8, which came after the box set (last year). i have not heard if he has put one out this year or not. but this little ep is really great, and it concludes with a really good song i wanted to put on here--but it is 13 minutes. so you get this one, which is also quite good. enjoy!

"christmas in the room" by sufjan stevens"

(and yes, that is the real cover)

pedro the lion

2009-12-20T10:03:00.000-06:00

"i heard the bells on christmas day" by pedro the lion

pomplamoose

2009-12-19T12:45:00.000-06:00

yeah that's a band's name. and this is one of my new favorites:

"o come all ye faithful" by pomplamoose

christmas music

2009-12-18T13:41:00.003-06:00

people either love it or hate it right? or at least so it seems. maybe some people think it's ok or they don't mind it. but if we're all honest with ourselves we can't call that shite they play on kudl or 102.1 or whatever they're called anything but an earful of christmas dung. ok maybe there are some decent songs interspersed, but really we become so sick of hearing them it doesn't even matter. when the christmas music starts in october we're ready to pull a double van gogh before the ides of december.

fortunately though there are some good musicians out there trying to create christmas music that is actually good, whether by redoing some of the old stuff or writing new classics. the problem it seems for most people is finding it!

well now you all are in luck! your christmas music santa is here! with this week leading up to christmas i will post a christmas song a day, something you can actually (hopefully) enjoy. nothing lame or cliche. sometimes unknown sometimes familiar. maybe some of you out there can even play the role of elf and send me some of your favorites--they might even get played!

so saddle up your ears and ride into christmas on a delightful joyous medley of holiday cheer!

"why can't it be christmas time all year?" by rosie thomas

(i posted this one last year too, but this is a good one to kick it off)

war on christmas!

2009-12-16T15:06:00.000-06:00

keeping with all things christmas...

no but really, this is a good article. you should read it.

only 9 days away, still time to return all those gifts you've bought already.... :)

hopefully you've already done this...

2009-12-15T14:49:00.000-06:00

gotta love the christmas season...

ho ho ho

2009-12-13T13:40:00.001-06:00

if we're all honest with ourselves, the christmas season is a mixed bag. there is plenty of holiday cheer out there, but it is certainly jumbled with many other emotions. there is the stress of all the extra demands--the pressure of getting all the gifts so that you can get to that joy of giving. right, that joy, that's what it's about. and there is the cold. a lot of people hate the cold, even when there's snow--because really, who cares what it looks like, i have to drive in that stuff! and then there is the sadness. the sense of loss of who is not with you at the celebration. the holidays are hard on people they say.

why should the holidays--the freaking holidays be something that leaves us worse than before they came? well if you look up "holiday" in the dictionary, depending on your dictionary, it will usually give the first several definitions of holiday as something that is merely a break from work. "a fixed day by law or custom..." ugh. that sounds wonderful. it's all just a bunch of cultural customs. go through the motions.

you could make this case for thanksgiving, fourth of july, mother's day, labor day, etc. but christmas? oh no. let's not lump christmas in with all the others. we have to take hold of christmas as not the same as just any other holiday. yes we do that through focusing on advent. we do that through fighting consumerism and materialism. we do that by focusing on Jesus more than santa. but is that enough? is that working for us? it's almost as if we need something more. it's all so pervasive that it's really hard to keep our heads above the surface.

never fear my dear readers--i have the solution! i have the thing that is going to push us all over the top so that we can finally find our christmas cheer and hold the holiday in goodness and truth.

it's here.

previews:

words

2009-12-12T14:16:00.000-06:00

Typography from Ronnie Bruce on Vimeo.

from laura

jeremy messersmith

2009-12-10T00:17:00.000-06:00

"Breaking Down"

two blog quotes

2009-12-09T12:12:00.001-06:00

there have been two quotes that i've come across reading some blogs the last few days. and i thought they were very worthy of sharing. so here you go. i could talk a lot about each of these quotes, but i'm not really feeling the energy right now. i'll just say that the first quote is a little better in its original context, and on the second i particularly like the last paragraph. chew your own food for thought now.

Forget fire, forget winnowing forks, forget threshing floors: amid our daily lives, is there anything more unsettling than receiving a clear word about what it is that we’re meant to do in this world? Is there anything that risks taking us deeper into our insecurities, into our fears, into the dark unknown than when someone who sees and recognizes and knows us, then challenges us to be the person whom God has created and called us to be? And is there anything more full of wonder and hope?
--jan richardson

Ideas.
I’ve always been an ideas person. And I think in many ways, it speaks to the numerous privileges and opportunities we all have in our lives. Having said that, I think it lends itself to this theory that I have that we are part of the most over-rated generation in human history – because we have access to so much data, info, resources, modes of communication…but end up doing so little. We tweet, blog, talk, preach, retweet, etc…and while I’m not diminishing that the aforementioned things aren’t actions per se but what are the “costs” behind our actions?
Or how does that verse go?

Much has been given…and much it to be expected. (Luke 12:48)

Or another way to look at it is that we tend to fall in love with our ideas more than actually doing something with these ideas to honor God, serve our neighbors, and advance the Kingdom and causes of mercy, justice, and compassion.
--eugene cho

time goes away

2009-12-07T14:08:00.002-06:00

we had a couple hours before the concert was to start. we had been walking around the city, taking in various sights and experiences. we'd been to churches and museums and concerts. it was christmastime, and the city was glowing with an energy that came from more than just the elaborate decorations. it was vienna in december. and somehow every day felt just like christmas eve.

and now we were standing outside the palace gates. our legs were beginning to ache a bit from the standing after all the walking we had been doing. so we started our way around the cobblestone courtyard. there was a church at the other end. nothing fancy. in other words it seemed to be still a church and not a museum. it was old, but mostly plain. still very beautiful by any american standards.

we walked inside to the sound of soft music and a gentle warmth very much welcomed. there were a few people walking around the church, a few in pews praying. the light was low, mostly spreading from the illumination of the icon sculptures. across the church a door was open with a sign outside it. it was in german but by now i could recognize the word "markt."

the room greeted us with a delightful smell. a few candles were lit, but it was mostly the weihnachtsapfelwein--a christmas cider that is delightful. there was also a smaller pot for the kinder apfelwein, for the kids or the not so alcohol inclined. steam was rising from both kettles. a few old and very austrian looking women sat behind tables. and then there were the christmas goods.

all around vienna and most eurpoean cities there are christmas markets. little stands are set up in several places around town and they are filled with christmas items--usually small handmade crafts or like items. others have food and crepes and apfelwein. they are really delightful. but they are also usually crowded and a little touristy.

but this little room was not at all. it was out of the way, no signs outside the church for it. through my very limited german i was able to learn that it was a fundraiser for the church. i'm a sucker for christmas stuff and for unique treasures, so this place was like the X that wasn't on the map. my favorite were the candles. they were white with christmas scenes painted the outside, all handcrafted by the little old lady sitting behind the decorated display table.

at this point it was late in my time abroad, and i was already wondering how i was going to be able to get all my stuff back. that and the candles weren't exactly the cheapest items. i searched through the various candles while sipping my cider. i tried to ask the lady about the candles but she didn't speak very much english at all. her smile said more than her words. after much deliberation i picked one out, and so did my companion. as she was wrapping up our candles she pulled out two little small candles with baby Jesus on them and wrapped them, putting them in our bag.

"oh how much?"

she shook her hand at me and smiled, handing me the bag. i thanked her profusely and she just smiled.

i don't know what it was about this interaction that has stuck with me so long. maybe she did this for all of her customers and it was nothing special. or maybe she saw us and understood. she knew that we were american visitors and that we had happened to stumble into their little church. i'm sure from my painful agonizing over several candles she realized we didn't have much money. and maybe since we couldn't communicate in any other way, she gave us a gift to try and say something more. and trying to put that gift into words now just wouldn't work.

--------------------------------------------------------------

i have these candles now in my room. i put them out because it's christmastime of course. but there they sit--they are a reminder of this encounter three years ago and of so much else. they have taken the place of the candles i wrote about a little while ago. and especially as i think back over what i wrote then, i'm left with the question, "do i burn these?"

what is a candle for if you will never light it? the object holds the memory and represents a lot, but then do i keep these candles forever and never burn them? are they just a display then? or would their burning in a way consummate the experience.

how do we hold the past? how do we accept our memories with gratefulness and not miss what they gave us at the time? i remember something like this and it makes me want to go back. it creates a longing in me. so then do i hold onto these candles for what they were, or for what they are now--the only piece of that experience that i can physically see and touch now?

i'm sure your answers may vary on whether or not you out there are packrats or purgers, nostalgics or anticipators, rememberers or adventurers. but what do you think? should i burn the candles or save them?

free time much?

2009-12-06T23:35:00.000-06:00

this is awesome.

from christian.

and i bet this is too.

locks | love | .38 v. 39

2009-12-04T15:42:00.003-06:00

last saturday night i was awoken at 3:30 in the morning by a very loud noise. actually it was several loud noises. in fact these loud noises were gunshots. and there were about 20 of them in maybe 10 seconds. all this was followed by some screeching tires and then a building up of sirens, just like a symphony will add parts as the music goes along until it reaches its grand climax. after a few minutes the sirens faded out.

we've heard gunshots before down at our church. not infrequently actually. but none of them have ever been this close. they had to have come from less than a block away. i'm a pretty heavy sleeper and not much wakes me up, but this shot my eyes open rather quickly.

after the sirens i laid in my bed for a few minutes, my eyes still wide. i thought about how my car was parked on the edge of the lot and how it could have taken a shot. i thought about how a bullet could come through the window and hit the wall above me, though with the exterior stone and roof section off my room that is basically impossible. but truly it was the first time that i have felt a good amount of fear at the church. it took me awhile to fall back asleep.

admittedly most of my thoughts were about myself and others in the community. in fact just as i'm typing now it's the first time i've given any real thought to our neighbors or the people in the gun fight themselves. nothing was in the news so it seems as if no one was hurt. but my inability to consider others just shows how deep my own selfishness goes.

why do i tell this story? to share something interesting? to show everyone how dangerous our neighborhood is and how we are so badass for living there? i don't want people to worry. and actually i don't think that this story really shows things are any more dangerous than we already knew they were. and while it's something of a crazy story, i think it doesn't really show anything conclusive--except that maybe this is what you'd expect.

tuesday morning i was walking to my car and i pressed the button on my keypad to unlock the car, upon which instead my car locked. this simply means that i had somehow failed to lock my car the night before. i shook my head at myself and opened the door. everything was still there; nothing was missing. the car was still there, obviously. and unfortunately i have to say that this isn't the first time that i've done this since moving into the church.

and i guess i tell that story because maybe it isn't what you'd expect. maybe we should though--i mean, it's not as if people are lurking around our cars every night testing them to see if the doors are locked. and yet it seems like a shocking thing--or at least that's what some people have told me when i casually mentioned it to them.

i don't entirely know why but these two stories keep rolling around in my head. perhaps because of their seeming contradictions, for the way they somehow show very different things. perhaps the contradiction is obvious enough in itself and i don't need to explain it to you. in fact i really could have just put these two stories side by side without all the commentary, but for some reason my voice is coming out. i guess i must have something to say. let's see if i can find it.

yesterday in class we were talking about persecution. we talked about the church worldwide and how it is growing, though it is shrinking in america. and we talked about the persecution the church is facing worldwide and how in reality that tends to just make the faith grow even more. that is, when people live out of their faith despite persecution--because then people can actually see that it is something very real and very significant.

but in our society we don't really have the stomach for very much. we like our comfort and we get very upset when it is upset. we don't really know what it looks like to truly sacrifice. we like our security. we like our doors locked to keep out all the critters. we don't like bullets flying over our heads.

but when i hear and read stories of people suffering for the faith, when i read the scriptures talking about persecution, when i consider all that people have given and lost--then i see a few gunshots for what they really are. then i see my fears for the weakness they are. then i see that for all i look to and wish they were doing more, there are many who should say the same of us. i see faith. and i want it more myself.

Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Romans 8:17

we like to quote verse 39, but not what comes before it.

"So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn
   " 'a man against his father,
      a daughter against her mother,
   a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law -
    a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 10:26-39

who can accept this teaching? who then can enter the kingdom of God? but where else will we go? you alone have the words of eternal life. may you help us listen.

oh and just in case some aspiring car thiefs happen to read this blog, my car is the black hyundai.

some pictures

2009-11-30T12:34:00.001-06:00

here are some photos from our fall harvest festival with some of the neighbors, from our halloween excursion, and from an impromptu dance party in my room:

oh and this is abby in my room--just now.

david steindl-rast

2009-11-26T01:51:00.001-06:00

In sloppy everyday speech we sometimes use purpose and meaning interchangeably as if they meant the same. But remember how we go about a given purpose and how, in contrast, we experience meaning. The difference is striking. In order to achieve our purpose, whatever it may be, we must take hold of the situation, take matters in hand, take charge of things. We must be in control. Is this also true of a situation in which you experience deep meaning? You will find yourself saying that you were touched, moved, even carried away by the experience. That doesn't sound as if you were in control of what happened. Rather, you have yourself to the experience, it took hold of you and so you found meaning in it. Unless you take control, you won't achieve your purpose; but unless you give yourself, you can't experience meaning...

What then is the opposite of work? It is play. These are the two poles of activity: work and play. And what we have come to understand about purpose and meaning will help us see this more clearly. Whenever you work, you work for some purpose. If it weren't for that purpose, you'd have better things to do than work. Work and purpose are so closely connected that your work comes to an end, once your purpose is achieved. Or how are you going to continue fixing your car once it is fixed? This may be less obvious when you are sweeping the floor. Can't you go on sweeping even when there is not a speck of dust left? Well, you can go on making sweeping movements with your broom, but your purpose was accomplished, and so the work, as work, is ended. Sooner or later, someone is sure to ask you why you are playing around with that broom. What was work with purpose has now become play.

In play, all the emphasis falls on the meaning of your activity. If you tell your friends that you find it very meaningful to dance around with your broom on a Friday night, they might raise their eyebrows, but they cannot seriously object. Play needs no purpose. That is why play can go on and on as long as players find it meaningful. After all, we do not dance in order to get somewhere. We dance around and around. A piece of music doesn't come to an end when its purpose is accomplished. It has no purpose, strictly speaking. It is the playful unfolding of a meaning that is there in each of its movements, in every theme, every passage: a celebration of meaning. Pachelbel's Canon is one of the magnificent superfluities of life. Every time I listen to it, I realize anew that some of the most superfluous things are the most important for us because they give meaning to our human life.

We need this kind of experience to correct our world view. Too easily are we inclined to imagine that God created this world for a purpose. We are so caught up in purpose that we would feel more comfortable if God shared our preoccupation with work. But God plays.

may you all find meaning and playfulness on this day. happy thanksgiving everyone.

dance off!

2009-11-23T17:21:00.003-06:00

so around here at the church we have had the good fortune of finding ourselves stumbling into something of a dance party. sometimes it is with neighborhood kids. sometimes it is just us being crazy. it is a fun playfulness that you don't really seem to find with just a couple roommates (unless you're a girl).

but dancing is good for the soul. so in that spirit i propose i dance off! find a friend, and then preferably a crowd of people to cheer and judge. pick your songs and then go at it!

now you can do this with any sort of variety of songs--you can have the dancers pick their own, you can limit it to a genre or exclude a genre (like saying no hip-hop increases creativity). but just in case your musical selection is a bit limited, here are a couple that you can use if you feel so inclined. i'm sure better dance songs are out there, but if you are reading this and you are skeptical--then i defy you to listen to these songs without moving any part of your body. really. i dare you.

passion pit "little secrets"

lonely dear "airport surroundings"

ps if you are alone right now, you have two options:
1. plan a time to come over to our community and we will accommodate you with a dance off.
2. challenge yourself to a dance off! maybe when no one else is home. trust me, it's more fun than it sounds. i mean, er, not that i would really know, personal speaking, of course.

bogoroditse dievo ii

2009-11-21T23:47:00.003-06:00

i have these candles in my room. two of them. they are small glass votives, orange cream wax. they are sitting in small pottery votives, as if more casing was needed for protection. these green votives were made in taizé, a monastery in france. they both have a small plant glazed into their base. in between these two candles is a small oil lamp. it is pottery, also from taizé--but it is from my last visit, not the first. its flame burns high and straight. the other two flicker and waver, despite their casing. i have no idea why this is.

the candles were a gift from my mom. they came in a set of six nearly three years ago. these are the last two and they are almost empty. i have set them apart to be burned for a specific focus--and now they are almost all gone.

three years and a week ago i was in taizé for the first time. eight months ago i was there again. both times it has been something of a spiritual pilgrimage for me, though the cost of each was vastly different. i'm not talking about money.

it's something about this time of year--sometime around mid-october into december that i get caught up in the memories of my experience abroad and all that came with it. and each year around this time there have been different emotions with those memories. i'm not quite sure how to name these.

sometimes candles need to run out of wax.
sometimes i can't understand how i carry so much for so long.

i've been reading a lot lately. it seems as if the extended reading funk i was in has ended. one of the books i've been reading is donald miller's new one, where he talks mostly about the story of our lives. are we living a good story? there's also a bit in there about fathers and sons. it is really speaking to me.

awhile back i was thinking about story and hollywood, and how great movies and most great stories have mostly the same arc. rising action up to the climax followed by the denouement, or wrapping up. all the stories we know work this way. or well, most of them. most the stories we hear anyway.

but then i was learning something about the bible, and how in the old testament actually a lot of stories operated under a structure called chiasm. it's called that because the greek letter "chi" is shaped like an X. you see, chiastic structure puts the meaning, or the "climax" so to speak at the center of the story. this idea really fascinated me.

because how many of us actually define our stories by how they end? ok some people will have some sort of romantic death where the end makes sense of all the rest--but while this seems to be the case in movies, it is rarely the case in our lives. no usually people's lives start to slow down as they get older and they look back on the days when things were really great. or people's lives don't always end the best, especially in the bible. think about david, or solomon, or jacob, or joseph, or lots of others. all their stories were defined by a central point or points in their lives. not the end.

the thing that's pretty amazing about this--to some extent you get to choose what that central point will be. what will you define as the core of your life's story? for too many it was the great days of sports in high school, of the freedom of college. "those were the best days of my life." we define our story by the pettiest things.

if at any point in your life you look back and shake your head at the center, you create a new one. or if you're quite old, adopt that familiar old story arc. for most of us though who are young, we can look to a center that is not too far off. we don't have to wait till the end of our lives to figure out what our story is going to be all about. we find it in the middle.

but then it isn't always so much of a conscious choice is it? some things put themselves right in the middle of our stories, even if we don't want them there.

i was reading another book not long ago by this austrian monk. it's an amazing book that i will end up quoting on here a few times i believe. but anyway this one part just made me laugh. let me quote it in full:

What does gratefulness have to do with courage? We might, at first glance fail to see a connection. But looking more closely it becomes clear that no one can say "thank you" for a gift and mean it, without trust in the giver; and to trust always takes courage. Take a simple example. A friend hands you a gift-wrapped package, and you say "thank you." You might think that you have expressed your appreciation for the gift. But wait! You haven't even looked at what's inside that package. How could you express you appreciation? What you really expressed was trust in your friend. A grateful person will say "thank you" before checking what's inside the gift-wrapping. If you wait to express your thanks until after you have examined the gift, you might be smart, but no one will call you grateful. True gratefulness is courage to give thanks for a gift before unwrapping it.

Now, it might not cost you a great amount of courage to trust your friend. True enough, that box wrapped in gold paper is just the right size to contain a medium-large time bomb. But who would even dream of that possibility? When life hands you a gift, however, it's a more serious matter. God has a way of putting time bombs into pretty packages. We know that from past experience, and now we get another one of those surprise gifts. To be there to say "thank you" and mean it does take courage. It is as if you were saying: "Watch it! This might be another one of those whoppers. It might blow me to pieces. But even if it does, I trust that this is just what I need right now." That's trust all right! And that trust in the Giver is the crucial point where faith and gratefulness meet.

God has a way of putting time bombs into pretty packages! ha! that made me laugh out loud. because i know all too well that it is true. but am i grateful? am i willing to trust in the giver? do i have the courage to be thankful again? even before i know how it will all turn out?

for whatever reason i needed all that happened three years ago, and all that has happened in the years since. and i needed it right then. i don't want to be fatalistic. and i don't mean to make it sound like it was all about me. but can i possibly see it all as a gift? and can i learn to see it not as only the huge thing that it was and how it changed so much, but at the same time how it does not define my story?

sometimes pain finds its way to the center of our stories. and sometimes it can go so deep that we think we will never see the experience anywhere outside of the middle. and then before we know it it has begun to define our lives. it has become our climax, and we cannot focus on the future or find the hope we need.

but joy costs pain. it's just that you didn't know the price was so high. and you, like the chronic gambler, will keep paying more so that you can somehow win your money back. but who can walk away from the table? who can cut their losses and let the story change? all of the sudden where you were once looking back to the heart of it all, now it has become something you once again look to in the future.

the two candles have all but burned out now. the flame in the center endures.

advent preparation

2009-11-20T13:57:00.000-06:00

if you hate the christmas music has started in full force and it's not even thanksgiving. or if you love it and have been playing yours since october. or if you love christmas decorations in stores. or if you can't stand awful cheesy pop christmas music. or if you are die hard about getting a real tree. or if you substitute egg nog for water one month out of the year. or if you just care about christmas in any way and love the season, then once again let's approach the season in an appropriate way.

yes, forget black friday and loads of materialism. let us celebrate advent and christmas for it's real meaning. as this season of remembrance comes to a close in a couple weeks, we move into the season of waiting and anticipation. here are some things to check out to help:

an advent blog--wonderful art and contemplative reflections on the season.

classic.

the shopocalypse.

a guide through the season

please share if you have other advent resources you find helpful!

um, yes please.

2009-11-19T21:47:00.000-06:00

who's in for a game?

stanley hauerwas

2009-11-16T10:21:00.000-06:00

you absolutely must go to this link, to see the most amazing painting ever. actually it makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

"'Communal allegiance to Christ and his Kingdom is the indispensable check upon the pretentions of the modern state. Because Christ is Lord, Caesar is not Lord. By humbling all secular claims to sovereignty, the Church makes its most important political contribution by being, fully and unapologetically the Church.' Yet it seems that universality should be qualified in the name of our service to democratic nation states as we can be called on to kill Christians from totalitarian states in the name of the relative goods of our 'open societies.' But then in what sense is the Church our first loyalty? Or, what kid of unity is it that would have us eat at the same table to which we have been invited by a crucified savior only to be told at the end of the meal that the peace of that table does not mean we cannot kill one another for the goods of the nations in which we find ourselves living?

"I do not see how loyalty to democracy in this sense is any less tyrannical. Rather it suggests that the democratic state is no less a state and it will respect the 'freedom' of the church only to the extent that it can count on that 'freedom' to underwrite its ends as a nation that knows not that Christ is in fact Lord."

mew

2009-11-14T17:21:00.003-06:00

three times the charm...
have you touched the bottom?

"hawaii"

today

2009-11-12T15:44:00.003-06:00

so, i thought i would take this opportunity to celebrate. recently a friend of mine devoted a blog post to the birthday of his celebrity crush. never mind that it was about another man. that's beside the point.

so, happy birthday anne hathaway, one my celebrity crushes. you're 27 today, which means you are less than a year older than me. it could work. think about it, ok? if you say no i'll have to i'll just have to go to rachel mcadams, whose birthday is in 5 days (i'm not a creepy stalker, i promise!). she's a few years older, but that's cancelled because she's canadian. so now's your chance, because it's your birthday. let me know...

resistance

2009-11-11T15:31:00.003-06:00

"True resistance against the powers of destruction can be a lifelong commitment only when it is fed by an ardent love for the God of justice and peace. The ultimate goal of true resistance is not simply to do away with poverty, injustice, and oppression, but to make visible the all-restoring love of God.'

Henri Nouwen

max & peter

2009-11-08T09:21:00.002-06:00

26 somehow feels old. i know i know, it's not old at all. i try to tell this to my older sisters or my dad and they just laugh at me, just the same way my dad laughs at my sister for lamenting finding herself at 35. but lamenting is not what i'm doing. it's more just sort of realization coming from a question. what have i done in all these 26 years?

you see there comes a point when you are old enough to feel like you really should have done something, that you really should have accomplished something by now. you don't know exactly what that something is, but it would probably be really cool and a lot of people would know about it. like write a book. or climb a bunch of 14ers. or hold your first child. something like that.

i watched a kids movie the other day. i was tired and i put it on thinking i would fall asleep to the comfortable familiarity of a family movie. but i couldn't fall asleep. nope. i got sucked into the movie. i should have seen it coming really, because this movie is one that always gets to me. Hook is the movie about peter pan, after peter pan. really it is a movie about growing up. and for whatever reason it always makes me cry. several times throughout. not bawling panting heaving cry, but just some tears to my eyes. i think it was frederick buechner who told us to pay attention to our tears, because they usually mean that our heart is trying to tell us something.

Hook was the movie that made me realize i wanted to eventually get married. at the time i was questioning whether that was the right thing for my life. but like peter pan i think it was more rooted in not wanting to grow up than in noble pursuits. like him, i realized i want to be a daddy. i want to have a family and not miss it happening. but the selfish part of me really worries about that time when i will give most of my time and energy to my kids. what will be left for me then? what will i still get to do? and what will i no longer be able to do?

i think a lot of growing up is a constant learning how to be less selfish. though of course if this is the case we have a lot of peter pans out there.

i saw another "kids" movie recently--where the wild things are. i guess you may argue it's not a kids movie, but it is a coming of age story if i ever saw one. there are so many childish things in the movie--some beautiful, some disastrous. the one that keeps coming to my mind though is about the fort they build. it is amazing. it is so cool. but the reality quickly comes crashing down. when something unfamiliar and unplanned enters, it begins to break down. the old problems from before are still there, and the fort cannot protect them from all of that. at one point carol says "i thought this is the place where everything you want to happen happens."

maybe that's striking me because now i'm living in my own fort these days. we can all sleep together in a pile when it's fun and games, but then we realize some of the people smell. (of course speaking about the movie once again, not our community). or we don't like all the people there. or everything we want doesn't happen. we want to retreat but there is nowhere to go. if we try to build our own little secret compartment everyone will see us, and they will ask what we are doing, and why.

thankfully none of us are little children--or monsters! but are we really grown up either? no. and thankfully as well none of us are king. we can believe in the promises he gives us. but do we? do we hold onto those promises when things get tough. or did we even let ourselves hear them in the first place?

our fort is not a defensive place. no. our great paradox is that God is the refuge who sends us outside the city walls. he has us come out of the fort and not be safe. not get everything we want. not be comfortable.

we all build our own forts. and it doesn't matter how many people we let in them or how old we are--we all to some extent are still hiding under the cushions.

here's to growing up a little, hopefully a little more each day than we are a day older--that we might find wisdom beyond our years. that we would no longer be lost boys and girls.

come on, if peter pan can do it....

the low anthem

2009-11-06T23:02:00.001-06:00

"Charlie Darwin" - The Low Anthem (Official Video) from The Low Anthem on Vimeo.

L1

2009-11-04T18:49:00.002-06:00

so an interesting thing happened to me. i had a realization. oh don't be fooled faithful readers, it was nothing too profound. but to me it was significant. i doubt it will be the same for you.

you see i was at the gym, working out and watching some highlights on the tv screen above. it was actually sportcenter's top 10 segment. and they showed a couple of really nice football plays. and that's when it hit me, "oh yeah! so that's what a running back looks like."

let's be honest folks, larry johnson is terrible. extending his contract was one of the worst decisions the chiefs have ever made. we could have traded him for a draft pick and kept jared allen, who isn't worthless. in fact he's one of the best defense linemen in the league, and probably will be for a few more years. lj, well, suffice it to say he isn't the best at anything--except maybe talking crap and causing drama. he's definitely beating out TO these days.

remember when everyone used to talk about his famous "juke" move. it was comparable to pressing the L1 button on a video game. he would be running full speed and all of the sudden stop and juke to the side. it made defenders look bad. real bad. so when was the last time we saw that? actually when was the last time we saw larry johnson make any kind of move at all?

granted you gotta get some blocking to do something, and you gotta get out into the open field to be able to pull that L1 move--but bad blocking can only be blamed so much. even running backs with crappy lines still manage to pull off some good runs. but then again that would be a good running back.

ok maybe it's unfair to pick on just larry johnson--yes all of the chiefs are bad. but it was just a realization i had and needed to vent. when was the last time you saw this:

all soul's day

2009-11-02T13:12:00.002-06:00

most of you are probably aware that following halloween is all saint's day. but perhaps you aren't aware that the day after that, today, is all soul's day. most of the church culture i've experienced isn't too big into the liturgical church calendar, but there has been some renewed interest in some circles. even with that, it may still seem a little weird for us to celebrate this day. our culture has done its best to help us forget about death, hiding our cemeteries to look more like parks you'd never want to visit with sporadic flowers spread all over. cemeteries used to be places with trees and benches and people would go visit them. and that's what all soul's day is for in particular.

in latin american countries this day brings a trip to the cemetery, with people bringing picnics to the graves of their family members. they spread a blanket over the gravesite and often bring food that the person particularly liked. a picnic with the dead may seem a little strange to us, but it is an act of remembrance and honoring those we have lost.

so i take today to remember my family who have passed on. i have had a couple family funerals in the last few months. as i get older i begin to see my parents age as well and think of the time when they will not be in my life. it makes we want to cherish them more now while i can. it makes me wish that i had spent more time with some people. it makes me think about how life is short and this place is not all there is.

but our lives do matter. so much. too much. more than you would think if someone were to look at how we spend our time most often. but people are worth remembering. so take some time today to remember someone who's gone, and to celebrate them and their life.

oliver wendell holmes

2009-11-01T10:38:00.002-06:00

from "The Chambered Nautilus"

Year after year beheld the silent toil
That spread his lustrous coil;
Still, as the spiral grew,
He left the past year's dwelling for the new,
Stole with soft step its shining archway through,
Built up its idle door,
Stretch'd in his last-found home, and knew the old no more.

While on mine ear it rings,
Through the deep caves of thought I hear a voice that sings:--

Build thee more stately mansions, O my soul,
As the swift seasons roll!
Leave thy low-vaulted past!
Let each new temple, nobler than the last,
Shut thee from heaven with a dome more vast,
Till thou at length art free,
Leaving thine outgrown shell by life's unresting sea!

god help the girl

2009-10-30T12:47:00.001-05:00

"funny little frog"

"musician, please take heed"

son volt

2009-10-25T19:32:00.003-05:00

"exiles"

october 19th

2009-10-19T23:21:00.003-05:00

sometimes people ask me what it is we're doing down here.

i think they mean it more like "what are we actually physically doing with our time," rather than the more abstract meaning that implies more of a "why" question. they are both good questions though, and sometimes i ask them myself.

like say, today. i spent most of the afternoon painting part of the outside of the church that is off one of our little roof sections. it's a little hard to describe but it's this little flat roof area our windows open out onto and the exterior walls were in terrible need of a paint job, which pastor asked us to do. so i took advantage of the wonderful weather and went at it. though i was on the roof it was entirely safe--except for trying to navigate my way around i kid you not like 30 wasps. in fact i wasn't able to finish the job because we are out of wasp spray and there is a giant active nest where i need to paint. suddenly i am more thankful for the bats. do bats eat wasps? i think they do. or at least they should.

so i'm up there painting the day away, listening to some music, enjoying the view behind me that looks out west across the ivanhoe neighborhood, umkc, and the plaza. but something was getting to me. something was stirring in me emotionally as my thoughts went to many different places off the mindless task of the roller. it was more than a few words could express, but it was something like a weird sentiment on my life. how is it that this is where i've ended up? what do the last few years mean and how they've passed? what will this time hold for me?

life just seemed so open at the moment, so unattached or disconnected--whichever way you want to spin it. at the moment it seemed more of a burden than a freedom, but that's been more and more rare lately.

and right about then a siren started to chime. and then another. and another. and i looked down off the roof and saw several police cars speeding around our streets. they eventually settled around the church property, with cars at every corner and more. one pulled into our parking lot and searched under our cars. i ran back inside to watch, where i saw a cop pull his gun and check our dumpster for the suspect. then they went south and searched the brush and woods around the area. the helicopter was all around too. they didn't find him.

apparently though they had already found him. twice. they caught him but he managed to break free and keep running, though he lost his shoes. so they caught him again and tased him, but apparently he rolled onto the cop and took his taser and ran off again. way to go kcmo police.

it was a pretty exciting to watch, not really scary though. all the neighbors were outside. i don't know what the guy did.

maybe it's things like this that make other people ask what we're doing down here. why put yourself in the midst of that? and maybe i think that same way sometimes, but usually i think that's exactly why we're down here--because other people live here too. and they have to live with this going on around them a lot. and we've just marginalized them in so many ways. did you watch that video from my last post? seriously. do it.

so then tonight we had our prayer time as per usual on monday nights, and afterwards things were winding down when tyler got home and said our neighbors asked us to help them move. sure, no problem--when? oh right now. ok. nothing like a little moving at 10pm. so we got tyler's truck and took oh maybe five loads down to their new place. fortunately it's only 2 blocks away so we can stay in relationship with this family, as they've been our best relationship in the neighborhood (the same house from the letter posted awhile back).

of course tyler had worked not only the opening shift this morning, but also the closing shift at another store. so when he got home needless to say he was tired--but he was the guy with the truck, and i guess that's what they were waiting for. he's a trooper. we were happy to help, but it was something i overheard that really struck me. one of them said that everyone else they asked wanted them to pay like 100 bucks for the use of their truck. and i just though, "really?" i mean, i guess i understand--no, i really don't. what creates that attitude in people? what makes no one willing to help? being taken advantage of? i don't know.

but it takes me back to the idea of being good neighbors. sure we'll help our neighbors move until 11 at night, because that's loving your neighbor. what do we do down here? well hopefully some of what we do is make ourselves present and available for things like that. what are we doing here? i don't know, what are you doing where you live? ok yeah there's more to it for us than that, but this is something of what it is--helping neighbors move when no one else will. and it's good to have those things, however random and sporadic they may be. in other words i don't think we're going to start some program for late night moving for families getting evicted from their homes.

why are we here? we're here to be here. and maybe right now that's enough because it hasn't seemed to be the case for many others in quite some time. not that we're all that special, which is exactly part of the point. anyone can love, can give the love of Jesus. it's not easy sometimes, but it is a lot easier when you are present and put yourself in the place to do that--wherever you are.

it was also great to hear sharice (the mom of the family) tell us that all the kids kept telling her that wherever they moved just couldn't be too far away from all of us. it's the little things like that that are the big things. and what make me glad that this is where i am, today, this day, and hopefully for many many days to come.

david simon

2009-10-18T00:36:00.003-05:00

so i've talked about the wire on here a couple times, and if i haven't convinced you to invest the many hours to watch the whole show, i encourage you to take a little less than an hour to watch this video interview with the show's creator. it is a wonderful discussion on the nature of our country and its cities. i started watching it just thinking i would catch the first bit tonight but i got caught up in it and had to watch the whole thing. it's long, but well worth the time. please watch it. really, please. it is just so fascinating and i think every american should be aware of and considering these things.

see it here.

thomas merton

2009-10-17T09:07:00.001-05:00

"Very few men are sanctified in isolation. Very few become perfect in absolute solitude.
Living with other people and learning to lose ourselves in the understanding of their weakness and deficiencies can help us. For there is no better means of getting rid of the rigidity and harshness and coarseness of our ingrained egoism, which is the one insuperable obstacle to the infused light and action of the Spirit of God.
Even the courageous acceptance of interior trials in utter solitude cannot altogether compensate for the work of purification accomplished in us by patience and humility in loving other men and sympathizing with their most unreasonable needs and demands."

weirdness

2009-10-13T21:53:00.004-05:00

so all you lost fans should check this out--the namesake of one of your beloved characters, jeremy bentham, is freaking weird.

apparently he was a philospher and social reformer around the turn of the 19th century, most known as a major utilitarian. apparently he had something of an ego because in accordance with his will his body was preserved and stored in a wooden cabinet called an "auto-icon" and put on display at university college in london. it's been there for over 150 years, attending two college council meetings, but apparently abstaining from all voting.
apparently though his head was badly damaged in the preservation process, so the one in the box is wax. they used to display the original head as well, but it was the subject of several student pranks so they took it out. i wonder why.
oh, that's why, because it looks like the spawn of satan.

jj, what the heck?

dallas, want your team back?

2009-10-12T00:55:00.004-05:00

we don't have any sort of cable tv here at the church, which is by all accounts a good thing. one thing i miss though--watching sports. there is a good side to not being able to watch sports that much at all, as they can certainly be way too consuming. but there are some things i just miss. saturday college football. so many games on with always a couple good ones, usually an upset or two. i know i will miss college basketball big time. and of course the chiefs. i have watched pretty much every chiefs game for about as long as i can remember. even when i was in switzerland i would pay a couple bucks through itunes to get 15 minute long highlights of every game.

of course this year maybe it's a good thing i'm not watching so much. 0-5 is pretty bad, but we knew this would be a rebuilding year. our offensive line is pretty wretched--which is entirely frustrating because without one you really can't do anything. our defense has a lot of potential it's just that they never get to stay off the field for very long. there are some good pieces in place at least though. oh the consolations of a terrible team. is this what lions fans told themselves last year?

for so long the chiefs were our consolation, this poor city. well the royals are awful again but just wait till football season! and we all acknowledge it's a sad day when i admit i think the royals are closer to turning it around than the chiefs. after all, the royals days of trading away all their good players are done--now it's the chief's turn (tony g and jared allen, who by the way had like a 44 yard fumble return for a td today). that's a bad sign.

i got to catch a decent amount of the game today. how awful. to get the ball on the 50 yard line in overtime and not be able to get 20 yards for a field goal to win the game, well it's just pathetic. there's no other word for it. or i suppose i could put it like i did in a text to a friend, "the chiefs suck balls."

a sad and unfortunate thing it is. but i suppose it makes it that much easier to let go a little bit. for my own good. for your own good you poor chiefs. please remember it's just a game. a game that breaks the heart of your city. thanks.

william fitzsimmons

2009-10-08T23:58:00.003-05:00

"I Don't Feel it Anymore (Song of the Sparrow)"

even if this guy's music wasn't amazing, i would still like it for the beard alone.

perspective | establishment

2009-10-06T23:32:00.000-05:00

i'm a youngest child. the baby of the family. all you older siblings out there resent us, you look at how we are spoiled and coddled and you take out your jealousy by taking advantage of your age and bullying us, which only upsets us, earns us sympathy from our parents and thus perpetuates your problem--which only adds to your consternation. it's a nasty cycle. there is nothing you can do about it, i'm sorry.

but that's not what i want to talk about. another advantage of being the youngest is that you get to watch your older siblings, often exclaiming subconsciously "boy that didn't work at all" or "what were they honestly thinking?" so when you come to that place in your life, every place that is, you've had a couple of examples of what not to do. and occasionally, you have a few good examples--or that ever-annoying bar of perfection placed at unattainable heights. either way it's usually safe to say that you have the advantage of much greater perspective than your same-generation forebears.

in a sense every generation is somehow reacting to and against the one that came before, or probably more accurately the few before. i don't know who decides these things, but apparently i am pretty much right on the edge of two generations--too young to be part of generation x and on the older end of what they call generation y. i sometimes feel this connection to both sides, their values, their attitudes--especially having older siblings. but more and more i discover the things in me that make me much more a millennial. i wonder if there are different "christian generations." how would those be divided? probably similar and influenced by the standard definitions but expressed differently perhaps.

but that's not what i want to talk about either. not exactly. i want to look more specifically at one thing in particular. family and marriage.

it's nothing all too insightful to say that the younger generation cares more about social justice and public morality than xers. i don't know about the younger side of this generation though--i feel like that might be started to fade. we'll see. but for whatever reason i see a lot of christians my age and a little younger who have seen the selfishness of the boomers (their parent's generation) and the destructiveness of the xer's self pity (see into the wild for a great example) and we've chosen a different route. that may be a gross oversimplification and there are many other factors as well as exceptions, but that's what i've seen a lot of. so how does that affect marriage and family? and why am i drawn to talk about that in particular? no it's not because i'm unmarried--why would you think that?

i think it's because for so long the family was supposed to be the place of establishment and security for people. young people so often oriented so much of their lives around finding that mr/mrs right and getting their life in order through that foundation. a lie, perhaps--but one bought hook line and worm. just watch a chick flick. something like 27 dresses and try not to gag. people still buy into this like crazy, but not as much. a massive example of divorce and separation has given a lot of the younger folks commitment issues. beyond that existential reeling that maybe xers felt a bit more, millenials (ys) maybe have gone a bit deeper into the problem. perhaps the problem isn't marriage or family but where we put it in our lives. is it the absolute thing? is it our entire orientation and goal? then that's a problem.

again nothing all that new as far as thoughts go, but that doesn't mean we live by it. and i also didn't really intend for this post to be so impersonal. it is very personal. i question our priorities. i wonder about where we have put our faith for security and establishment in this life. is it in marriage? is that the foundation? i know i have fallen into making an idol out of it in the past. faith can be shown by asking the question, "what is our ultimate concern?" is it your marriage? your hope of getting married? your hope of having a family? because life isn't really established until you have that, right? or maybe it's just love.

why have we bought into this lie? maybe there is some truth to it--after all, didn't God say it isn't good for man to be alone? never mind how far we run with that. can we find our sense of establishment in something else? in community? in the Holy Spirit? in mission? in the person of Jesus Christ present in our lives? or do we give it up for a marriage? maybe not all of it but how much? how much will we sacrifice in the name of love (how noble/romantic) for our beloved? never mind we are the beloved of another. we have to find ours first. then we can get on with our life and feel more secure, because no matter what happens at least we'll have that other.

if that all seems a bit extreme and maybe you think i exaggerate, most of those thoughts and attitudes are at least something i have felt before. and i have to continue to set those aside as i accept what God has had for me apart from all of that family and love and marriage thing. and i have to learn to realize that this is not lesser. this is not incomplete. but man is that going against so many pervasive values in our culture, christian and otherwise. maybe establishment and security isn't what we should be after anyway. down with the man, right? but it is something we all desire deeply (well most of us), and we aren't really in the habit of allowing for some of our desires to be declared wrong, especially not ones that seem so good and loving. but maybe we can see them all a little differently, a little clearer--hopefully we can with a little better perspective.

italo calvino

2009-10-04T16:29:00.001-05:00

"You take delight not in a city's seven or seventy wonders, but in the answer it gives to a question of yours. Or the question it asks you...."

irresistible

2009-09-30T17:03:00.002-05:00

i read a really interesting article online that I would like to share. i commented on it, because it really impacted me. would be curious of your thoughts--especially those of you living with me (but the others too :)).

read it here.

i'm going to jackson

2009-09-24T14:52:00.002-05:00

well actually i'm already there. i've had the crazy good fortune to visit the John M. Perkins Center with a group of people from Kansas City. If you don't know who John Perkins is, take a look at this, or this organization he started. the man is legit. i got to listen to him a little this morning and i already have had my world sufficiently rocked.

it is a really amazing opportunity to be down here with just people from kansas city, all of whom are participating in some sort of kingdom work in kc. we are discussing what it is God is up to in the city, what challenges we are facing, what has been working and what hasn't, as well as a host of other questions and ideas. at the very least it is great to meet all these people and form relationships with other groups in the city.

we have several discussion times with perkins and his wife, and the small group atmosphere is way better than any sort of conference. i'm a little sad i am only here two days and wish i could be here longer--but at the same time i miss my community and what is going on there.

i'm sure i'll have a lot of processing to do after this, and probably some of it will find it's way onto here. this is all so incredible. time for another discussion!

the guillemots

2009-09-20T10:15:00.000-05:00

"the rising tide"

a joke

2009-09-15T21:29:00.002-05:00

i've fallen in love in the coffee shop.
just now when we made eye contact,
below your stylish bangs that match
your stylish bag.
you look a little like zooey deschanel.

and now the curve of your finger
as you hold a double-spaced paper.
are you a teacher?
and won't you please turn your hand
just a little more?
oh good--
no ring.

i'm jealous of the man by you--
the worker sweeping by your table.
it's getting close to that time
when they'll start dimming the lights.
you put on your cardigan
and give me one last glance.

unaware that i'm writing about you,
you walk out the door
and out of my life.
should i try to come back this time next week?
or cut my losses
and let my heart mend?
softly saying,
better to have loved and lost...

white noise

2009-09-13T23:27:00.000-05:00

i've tried to write several entries lately on the deeper level but have had a hard time following through with those thoughts. it's like there is a level of engagement that i am finding difficult. even as i type this now a sort of haze comes over my mind. i'm not sure why--but i'm wondering if it has anything to do with the neighborhood. i've heard a lot about the spiritual weight of living in this part of the city from people who have moved here, but at first i didn't feel like i felt it. more lately though i have been noticing some things that seem different. but is it really this neighborhood that is the cause?

i'm a little challenged by this idea that this neighborhood is a place of darkness, that there is a spiritual weight of oppression and violence here, that evil is on the loose here. those things may be true to a large extent, but what makes that any different from the suburbs or the country? is there not just as much fear there, only under a different guise? is there not just as much sin there--it's just polished and below the surface. is it not arrogant to assume that just because there is money in a place so it looks nicer that there is less spiritual oppression there? maybe this "weight" of oppression is just simply our own discomfort at the difference and loss of some comforts.

granted that crime is much higher here, and i think yes, the devil is at work here in some visible and outright ways that are frightening and destructive. but so too is there destruction and fear deep in the heart of the suburb or small town, and other evils too.

of course the need down here is great, and that is why we are here. there are lots of reasons why we are down here and not in the suburbs--not that there's anything wrong with that--but i don't want to get into those reasons now.

it's been difficult in this early time, wondering what it is that we are doing here. it is a season of introduction and preparation, but still it is hard not to wonder what it is we are down here to do exactly. or what things are going to look like, how the heck we are going to relate with anyone or what difference we are going to make. that's not to say that i don't have a lot of hopes and dreams for what God could do. and i understand that it is a long and hard road down here. perhaps my fear though is that we would just be white noise down here. a little flash in the pan and/or just some sort of insignificant drop in the bucket.

i want to see true change and transformation take place. not for my sake or our community or any sort of notoriety. but truly to see lives rescued and people made whole and brought to a salvation of the most holistic kind. that this would not be some good experience where i learn a lot, or some personal growth exercise. i want my hope to have real substance--to see the hand of God move and the kingdom break in.

why?

not because i want a big church. not because of any sense of accomplishment or obligation. not to try to bring about my own inner fulfillment or dispel my own doubts or fears.

because i long to see people freed from the death that permeates their lives. i don't know why people voluntarily continue to live there, without asking what they are living for, why they are doing what they are doing, settling for lesser things. missing out on the love they could know. denying the freedom they could find. more than just a better standard of living or a few steps higher on the socio-economic ladder. to be free of the horrible oppression of the american dream and the addictions we create in ourselves to try to amass the stuff or numb ourselves from the pain of the emptiness of its lack. all that and so much more.

may eyes be opened and freedom be found. and may the fight to get there be fought well. may we all start to pick up our swords and charge forward a little more, that we might get closer to those gates which we are supposed to one day overcome.

persona

2009-09-11T15:53:00.002-05:00

i've been struck recently by a few conversations and then a few personal observations all pertaining to the same sort of topic. the general idea is that there are a lot of people out there who are very different on their blog compared to how they are in real life. do you feel that's true? what about other social networking sites? facebook? twitter?

sure certain aspects of people's personalities come through in different degrees--but people are also given the time to filter what they say and display. is this persona we put out there an intentional projection to make people think x, y, or z about us? i think often it's not always intentional. i know several people who at least seem in some ways different on their blog than real life, which makes me wonder about the prospects of online-only friendships or relationships.

so, to go completely narcissistic on you, and since commenting is generally a rare occurrence in which you can indulge this once--

how have you noticed i am different from the person who comes out through my blog?

i have some guesses, but i'm interested to hear.