confession

it's come out of the closet--literally. very few people have known about this before now. wait wait, i'll explain.

one of the things about the protestant tradition is its under-use and under-emphasis of the sacraments. of course, going with my at-times quaker sympathies i also see the side of how perhaps they are not necessary for anything, and only detract from our mystical connection with God--setting our focus on the physical. that's probably a really poor description of why they don't feel the need for sacraments, but this whole debate is one i'm not really wanting to get into here.

more importantly, i see the need and purpose of symbols in our lives. tillich gives a wonderful explanation of their function: "the language of faith is the language of symbols" because "man's ultimate concern [faith] must be expressed symbolically, because symbolic language alone is able to express the ultimate."

bible college was a very significant year for me. God did some great healing in me, and i learned much about living as a disciple. towards the end of my year there i took a trip to calgary with a good friend of mine. while in the mall i found a symbol. it was kind of expensive, but after some consideration i decided that it was a very good memento for my time and all God had done in me. it would remind me of how i needed to fight for my heart, and for others. that there is much going on in the spiritual realm that i need to be constantly aware of.

i brought it home, kept in its box. i thought, i will put this up someday when i own a home. well that's getting farther and farther away, if i even live the sort of life where i would own my own home. and so it's sat in my closet in my room for 5 years. until now. it is set out in the corner of my room for me to remember. to see the battle always before me.

i have a giant 5 foot scottish claymore broadsword in my room.

sure its funny considering i am pretty much a pacifist. but it's the symbolism. braveheart has always been my favorite movie--not only does it have the major theme of father-son relationships, it also presents the theme of calling forth people to really live. there is much this movie stirs in me. and there is much this sword represents beyond that movie. if i could explain to you all that this symbol meant to me than it wouldn't be a symbol. but a symbol must be seen to be functional. and so now it is in the open.

well, we didn't get dressed up for nothing.

nouwen

"Giving yourself to others without expecting anything in return is only possible when you have been fully received. Every time you discover that you expect something in return for what you have given or are disappointed when nothing comes back to you, you are being made aware that you yourself are not yet fully received. Only when you know yourself as unconditionally loved--that is, fully received--by God can you give gratuitously. Giving without wanting anything in return is trusting that all your needs will be provided for by the One who loves you unconditionally. It is trusting that you do not need to protect your own security but can give yourself completely to the service of others.

"Faith is precisely trusting that you who give gratuitously will receive gratuitously, but not necessarily from the person to whom you gave. The danger is in pouring yourself out to others in the hope that they will fully receive you. You will soon feel as if others are walking away with parts of you. You cannot give yourself to others if you do not own yourself, and you can only truly own yourself when you have been fully received in unconditional love.

"A lot of giving and receiving has a violent quality, because the givers and receivers act more out of need than out of trust. What looks like generosity is actually manipulation, and what looks like love is really a cry for affection or support. When you know yourself as fully loved, you will be able to give according to the other's capacity to receive, and you will be able to receive according to the other's capacity to give. You will be grateful for what is given to you without clinging to it, and joyful for what you can give without bragging about it. You will be a free person, free to love."



this is what i want.

brother roger

"a heart resolved to love can radiate goodness without limits."

blessed week

this week is a great time. not only is my lifelong friend getting married this saturday--a great event in and of itself. but it is also national donut week! some say it's just the first of june, some say it's the first friday in june (which is today), and others think there is way to much donut love for just one day.

total donuts consumed so far this week: 11. wow, i'm almost to a dozen. i don't think i will have any problem getting there by tomorrow.

so go out and enjoy a donut. and get a real donut, not just some poor excuse for what some might mistake as a delicious circle of glorious delight.

question #1: favorite donut shop?
question #2: favorite donut?

and answer now.

cold

today i was listening to the new coldplay album*--not thoroughly impressed, but only my first listen. i was also going around the internet and reading some blogs. the last song on the album came on and it was sort of waning out in sound, and then it picked back up and started sounding really good. i said to myself, "oo, i like this." i checked my itunes to see that there were only about 40 seconds left. then i went back to the blog i was reading and i realized that it was playing a radiohead song off its page. ha. no wonder it sounded so good.

*yes i realize it's not out yet. i know a guy.

permanence

"Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
--John 16:33

just to the left of the computer screen of my laptop at my desk here in manhattan is a window sill. the blinds are closed all the way, only because i haven't been in town recently. a piece of yellow post-it is sticking out below the blinds. i've had several quotes on different note cards and post-its there for some time now. i don't remember what this one says. let me check. it says "listen to the divine whisper," something i have been having a hard time with recently, but am coming back to.

below that, what first drew my attention, is two small vertical strips of poster tape, each with bits of torn photo paper still attached to them. i took down this photo as i was moving out for the summer. it was of a hiker walking down a railed curvy road with autumn trees all around. i doubt anyone in my room would have noticed it, tucked back like it was. that was the point. and it spoke something very meaningful to me. let me peel off one of the strips of tape now.

to my right there are a bunch of pictures of scenic locations all around europe. i have thought about taking them down more recently--it's almost more painful to see them and remember all the places i've been and am very far away from now. but they're still up. they're quite beautiful places.

at my other house in manhattan in the past i decorated my room with several big bulletin boards covered in pictures from my life--CBC, family, friends. i surrounded myself with the memories of good times. there are less pictures of people in my room anymore. as nice as the memories are, sometimes its even harder to have their faces there before you. frames tucked away in closets and drawers. i have an internet filter for facebook. ok maybe not.

the past has always been a difficult thing for me. i've always had a hard time letting go of relationships. i never accepted the phrase, "some people are there for just a season of your life." it is the reality of life now, but it wasn't always this way. transience is a much more recent phenomenon, especially to the degree we feel it now.

i one heard that we were created for permanence. that death and separation is not the way things are supposed to be. but in our individualistic culture we don't even need death anymore. we create our own separation. we put people to death in our lives long before they are ever dead. what can you do though? you have to go off to college. you have to move to where you can get a job. or sometimes it isn't forced, but each passing away brings the chance for something new, something fresh. maybe then we will have the relationships we wanted, the friends who care slightly more about us, the right weather to affect our disposition.

(side note: i think the fact that we as americans are so dictated by the weather, especially in our countenance and happiness says much about our lack of constitution and inner peace that we can be so affected by such minor external circumstances--i mean, can we face trials and sorrows with hope and courage when a cloudy or windy or cold day ruins us? don't worry, i'm guilty too.)

some people it seems thrive on transience though. they are always changing, always moving, looking to the next thing. i think i am suspicious of these people--like i believe that they move forward so fast and so hard that they never give themselves the chance to look inward. and though that is probably most often the case, perhaps there is a degree of movement that we are called to, even if we are not made for it. the son of man had no place to lay his head. as christians, we are sent out to be salt and light to the world, to be aliens and strangers, enduring hardships and struggles. and yet our bodies cry out inwardly for the redemption of our bodies, the renewal and resurrection of all that is good. that is the ultimate permanence that we seek.

still though, i look at the bare spot on my wall where the picture used to be, and i see the image of what was once there. and then the tape and the residue creating a frame of emptiness. there are times when we come to a place of emptiness, and our desire for permanence tempts us to set up a home there despite its bleakness. when we are called forward we must not tarry. but if we do not know where to go, will we wander?--wander seeking or wander leaving? keep moving till you find the way, till that word is given. do not set up camp and wait for it.

we are called to go out and to move, but not alone. i think the permanence we long for is not found in a place, a city, a neighborhood, a home. it's found in the people who are there with us all the time. of course ultimately everyone and everything passes away and Jesus is our only constant--but God wants us to have the permanence of true community, of rich friendships, of love. and it is never easy when that is lost or changed. but take heart, for he has overcome the world. despite how distant that seems from the reality of your life, take heart. take it firmly. it's not easy. take it.

george macdonald

"they are blessed to whom a wonder is not a fable, to whom a mystery is not a mockery, to whom a glory is not an unreality--who are content to ask, "is it like Him?"

like a child

the entryway to my house is made up of a marble flooring, variously shaped pieces held together by a black grout. as a kid, wearing my chiefs sweatpants i used to slide on my knees across this floor, making diving catches of my white and red rubber chiefs football. i also used to throw a bouncy ball off this floor and let it bounce high around all the walls, hoping to avoid hitting the hanging glass light. that didn't last very long, mostly because of the many marks on the white walls. such a small, inconsequential room--only a hallway really. yet it holds so much.

i was standing just outside that room a moment ago, staring at the floor and trying to remember something. and then i saw the shapes. it's been a long time since i looked at that floor closely. and i suddenly remembered how i used to really look at it. why you may ask? no i wasn't a distant child, entertained by balls of twine and rubber bands. there are really interesting shapes, mostly because a lot of them look like the shapes of the states. i used to make it a game how many of the fifty states i could find. i don't remember how many i came up with ultimately. but right in the center of the room dead on is nebraska right underneath minnesota. not geographically accurate i know, but that's not the point. it looks just like them. i'm not making shapes in the clouds here.

i walk over that floor all the time. maybe you've walked over it even. have you ever noticed nebraska and minnesota? i haven't in at least 10 years i'm sure. and it just got me thinking about the things you notice as a kid, forced to find some sort of interest because the conversations and entertaining distractions do not hold their power over you for very long. i've never been a very observant person, even as a kid probably. but in those little shapes i see the playfulness and attention that fades so quickly when we have so much to do.

so now i'm reminded, and at least for a few days, maybe even a few hours i'll be thinking about what else i should be noticing.

mates of state

sick beard

shaving is somewhat of a curse to the race of men. sure sure women too--but jobs don't make you shave every day! (of course mine doesn't make me shave at all) that's beside the point. the point is, shaving every day gets really old. so i don't. thankfully i can do that. others do not have that luxury.

however, it is one of the natural courses of things that when a man gets sick he stops shaving. perhaps because he doesn't have to--that's part of it. but also to let everyone know, hey, something is not right here. that's right, the sick beard. loud and clear--"hey everyone, i'm sick." it communicates that not only am i sick, but i'm a man, and i am wounded. i am fragile--that's why i have this manly beard now. i'm too sick to shave.

so, as you might imagine--i now look something like this:

i do actually have a sick beard, though it's a bad time for a beard and i am feeling better. perhaps i'll shave soon, even though i have made it well past the itchy stage and that is half the battle.


in other news about this time last year i was driving across the country and back, both ways. i believe gas is about twice as expensive now as it was then. who has good timing? yeah that's what i thought.

buechner

"Christ never promises peace in the sense of no more struggle and suffering. Instead, he helps us to struggle and suffer as he did, in love, for one another. Christ does not give us security in the sense of something in this world, some cause, some principle, some value, which is forever. Instead, he tells us that there is nothing in this world that is forever, all flesh is grass. He does not promise us unlonely lives. His own life speaks loud of how, in a world where there is little love, love is always lonely. Instead of all these, the answer that he gives, I think, is himself. If we go to him for anything else, he may send us away empty or he may not. But if we go to him for himself, I believe that we go away always with this deepest of all our hungers filled."

how well do you know the world?

warning: this is fairly addicting. love it though. so greatful for those map placemats as a kid!

http://www.travelpod.com/traveler-iq

update

good-/bad~:
- the hole in my back/butt that was about 2 inches deep is now about 1 inch deep
~ i have a 1 inch hole by my tailbone
- i can kind of sit down for awhile, especially on hard surfaces and if i lean forward
~ i have a nasty form of strep throat now--hurts every time i swallow, fevers, ears ache (this is getting kind of ridiculous)
- my open wound no longer has to be unpacked and packed every day (that was painful)
~ i have to clean and dress my wound with gauze multiple times a day
- i'm off that really stupid high maintenance antibiotic that also made me feel sick
~ i'm on a new antibiotic for my throat, and the pills are the size of a fun-size snickers...ok not quite, but my throat is the problem--not a good combination!
- i can kind of drive now--not my car though, it's a stick
~ i'm stuck at home most of the day, and i'm almost running out of books to read (they're all in manhattan)
- i've gotten a lot of reading done
~ i miss people. i miss manhattan. i've missed the whole end of the year there :(
- i've also seen some good movies, one of which--darjeeling limited, love it!

ok i promise i'll have a post not about all this crap sometime soon--or maybe something i've learned from all of it. still waiting on that learning something from all this part. or you know, why all this is coming down so hard. but hey, if you're in kc and want to come sit with me, watch a movie, read, say hello, whatever. that'd be awesome.

64

so i had a cyst pulled out of my back today. it was about the most painful experience of my life. it feels like i have a hole where my tailbone used to be. i of course still can't sit down. i hobble around when i manage to get up. i'm on a lot of vicatin. and i thought i felt old before. well, if you're in kc, drop me a visit--i'll just be laying around. oh, and i'll probably be out of commission on here for a bit too. tomorrow morning=very painful follow-up procedure. woo-hoo. peace my friends.

extras

sitting sick

those of you still able to sit down, consider yourself lucky.

those of you who haven't had a fever the past 2 weeks, consider yourself lucky.

those of you who haven't experienced violent bodily rejections in the past 2 weeks, consider yourself lucky.

those of you who can still withstand direct sunlight, consider yourself lucky.

those of you who are not sick, consider yourself lucky.


yes i am ranting. i'm so tired of being sick. and being sick only being able to sit with great posture or lay on your stomach. save your pity. save your health. and lean back in a nice rocking chair for me. (don't ask)

ps is anyone else considering using native indic script for their blog? you blogspotters will know what i'm talking about.

tagged

Tagged by:

Rustin

The rules are:

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about himself or herself.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. Ten years ago I was doing . . .

I was in eighth grade. At this time in the spring I was playing baseball and living like an awkward middle-schooler, just about to come out of those weird years.

2. 5 Things on Today’s To Do List

1. Have lunch with Jenna
2. Have coffee with Nathan
3. Spend an hour in prayer
4. Go to lifegroup
5. Call my momma (that's not a joke)

3. Things I’d do if I were a billionaire.

If I were a billionaire I'm pretty sure I would hire classical musicians to play life background music for me whenever I wanted. That's all.

4. 3 Bad Habits

1. Constantly listening to music, always in the background
2. Reading far too many books at once
3. Running on my heels

5. Five Places I’ve lived

1. Leawood, KS
2. Prairie Village, KS
3. Strathmore, Alberta (Canada)
4. Manhattan, KS
5. Lugano, CH (Switzerland)

6. Five Jobs I’ve had in life

1. Grocery Sacker
2. Hillcrest Summer Staffer
3. Medical Records Attendant
4. Christ Church Summer Staffer
5. Ichthus Staff

7. Tagged Ones

1. Cooper
2. Kelly
3. Sara
4. Graham (yes, again--get on it!)
5. Anyone else...

even birds

i was thinking about the last post, after a read a story about a man who was sitting with a famous botanist in a field. they were looking at a tree just in front of them when the botanist remarked, "i would like to know something about that tree." he of course knew everything to know about that tree inside and out from a systematic and scientific viewpoint. but he did not know that tree. what was its experience? what had it seen? and no, cutting in down and counting the rings isn't going to solve any of those problems.

i feel like i projected this on my last post, from what i know of blue jays (nasty, mean birds) and cardinals (personally sympathetic because they are my mother's favorite birds).

i think i've been found saying that i want to orient my life around truth. the last thing i want to do is be living a lie. that requires tough questions--of that i at least say i'm willing. it also requires docility--posturing yourself to learn from others. that i also will always try to do. but it also requires seeing the world outside of the conceptions that you have of it. taking things simply for what they are, what you see in front of you.

we make assumptions of all kinds, all the time. we have to in order to get through the day. but maybe simplicity answers that there are far more important things than getting through the day. i'm sure that on so many levels i don't even know where i am blinded. it's a good thing i have a God who sees all, and i look to him questioningly with the eyes of a child.

`

today i've been noticing birds. i stood outside for a moment to clear my head, and there they were.

a blue jay, flying across the branches, from limb to limb, pecking occasionally at the buds. it's head always twisting every which direction. jittery.

a cardinal, hopping along a branch, only rarely moving its head. or maybe just the deep black from the neck up hid its slight movements with the stillness of its bright red body.

they would both fly from branch to branch, and then wind up on some sort of electrical wire.

a robin flew in front of me while i was walking too. not too close, just a few feet away.

i may or may not have talked to each of these birds. if i did, the blue jay didn't seem to pay much attention, but the cardinal was patiently attentive. the robin was in too much of a hurry.

there was also a bunny laying on the gravel in the parking lot behind our house. there's a family of them who have made their home back there. i've seen the baby scamper across the driveway through my headlights late one night. it's a sad place for a home i think.

i don't know what any of this means, or why i wanted to post it. maybe to be more observant. sometimes i'm not very good at that. maybe to stumble upon some sort of artistic point (is that an oxymoron?). anyway, take it for what it is.

church of trees

emptiness

This is where you are. This is a great place of emptiness. "Empty space tends to create fear...but filling up every empty corner and occupying every empty time...becomes more oppressive than revealing."

Not long before, the word was "emerging." Emerging into...what? I did not expect this. I thought it would be into something grand and glorious. What is fulfillment? and why do we always think we will find it around the next turn? Fulfillment.

In coming to this place, I almost asked God to fill it. But what sort of prayer is that? Is it not just another way of escape? If we can come to the place where we allow ourselves to see the emptiness and space, would it not be a disservice of God to take that from us? He does not fill it like some "God-shaped hole." No, it is as a voice echoes through a great hall. It is filled with a presence, but it is still quite empty.

Do not fear that word, empty. Every one of us has greater emptiness in us than we allow ourselves to know. See it as an opportunity, a greater space to grow into. Just as a family grows it needs more space, so does your soul. Finding the emptiness is finding the space to grow. If you do not let fear fill that space with any sort of distraction. To be there, to take it in, to accept it and God by your side--not a distant force that swells in the recesses to make you feel better. There you know him. And there you become something new. And the place becomes something grander than anything brand new.

more nouwen

usually i just put up one quote, but in this case it is just all far too good. really, the whole chapter, or the full book--heck, why not just read everything nouwen's ever written? but this will do for starters.

from Reaching Out:

"When we feel lonely we have such a need to be liked and loved that we are hypersensititve to the many signals in our environment and easily become hostile toward anyone whom we perceive as rejecting us. But once we have found the center of our life in our own heart and have accepted our aloneness, not as a fate but as a vocation, we are able to offer freedom to others. Once we have given up our desire to be fully fulfilled, we can offer emptiness to others."

"Poverty of mind as a spiritual attitude is a growing willingness to recognize the incomprehensibility of the mystery of life. the more mature we become the more we will be able to give up our inclination to grasp, catch, and comprehend the fullness of life and the more we will be ready to let life enter into us."

"That is the poverty of the mind. It demands the continuing refusal to identify God with any concept, theory, document or event, thus preventing man or woman from becoming a fanatic sectarian or enthusiast, while allowing for an ongoing growth in gentleness and receptivity."

then about poverty of the heart: "God cannot be identified with a good affectionate feeling toward our neighbor, or with a sweet emotion of the heart, or with ecstasies, movements of the body or handling of snakes. God is not just our good inclinations, our fervor, our generosity or our love. All these experiences of the heart may remind us of God's presence, but their absence does not prove God's absence. God is not only greater than our mind, he is also greater than our heart, and just as we have to avoid the temptation of adapting God to our small concepts we also have to avoid adapting him to our small feelings...But when we are willing to detach ourselves from making our own limited experience the criterion for our approach to others, we may be able to see that life is greater than our life, history is greater than our history, experience greater than our experience and God greater than our God."

"To help, to serve, to care, to guide, to heal, these words were all used to express a reaching out toward our neighbor whereby we perceive life as a gift not to possess but to share."

chocolat croissant

i had a chocolate croissant at the roasterie cafe today. it was delicious. i haven't had one since i was in italy. it's interesting the things that spark memories. every time i went south out of switzerland down into italy, the train would always transfer in milan at the large beautiful station there (which was about the only beautiful thing in milan, besides the duomo (3rd largest in the world) and i suppose da vinci's last supper painting--i'm not kidding, don't waste your time there. oh, i guess i also saw an ac milan futbol match there which was stellar (they won the uefa cup that year too!)). enough parenthesis! back to the story. anyway, during the layovers in the station my buddy bill and i would always go into this little shop and get chocolate croissants. every time, without fail. and i think that was the only place i would really get them. i don't know why i didn't get them other places, i just didn't. so now, probably for the rest of my life, whenever i get a chocolate croissant i will think of the train station in milan.

what crazy or fun memory associations do you have with objects or places?

Flight of the Conchords

how have i not blogged about these guys before? most of you probably already know, but oh man, so good. it was tough picking which song to put on, as there are so many good ones. i highly recommend their show.

by its cover

so, a few weeks ago i gave a friend of mine a ride somewhere. while on the way she carried with her a little baggy of cereal. a snack or a poor substitute for dinner? you tell me. in any event, she offered to share some and i really liked it. i hadn't had it before. now you must understand, cereal is a precious thing for me. i tend to not like very many kinds--and the kinds that i do like i very often get sick of it fairly quickly.* case in point: frosted mini-wheats. i defy you to eat more than 10 bowlfuls and still desire to eat more after that. (of course, not having a garbage disposal at my old house and therefore needing to dump any remains down the toilet did not help).

*exception to the rule--any cereal that has cinnamon in it. cinnamon toast crunch (off brand is actually better, but worse for you health-wise), cinnamon life, etc.

ok, so i didn't know what this new amazing cereal was--but i knew it was a form of cheerios, and that it had oat clusters in it. that wouldn't be too hard to find. perusing the cereal isle at the grocery store proved surprisingly difficult. anyone else think we have way too many options? for everything. also surprisingly, the cheerio products were mostly all on the bottom. i spotted a cinnamon-apple type, but refrained. i was on a specific mission. finally i followed the arc of cheerio products up to the eye-level row and many different newer kinds of spiced up cheerios. i found what i was looking for. my heart sank.
what?!? i mean, really. that's the cover you put on this particular cereal box? you know what you've done--you've just alienated 50% of your market**, you realize that don't you? it's the same reason i've never read that chapman book, the five love languages, even though it sounds very interesting--the cover is all pink and purple with a flowery heart. oh, and a side note--i don't read books with shiny covers either. a good rule to live by.

**actually it's probably more like 48%, because i believe there are more women than men in the US(according to the 2000 census. yeah, that's right, this blog does some in depth research). of course that's also not taking into account that the ratio of shoppers for cereal is perhaps a bit higher among women. not important. the point still is strong!

so the question was, can i, a 24 year old self-respecting man, pick up that box and take it to the check-out and undergo the scrutiny of an elder check-out lady and a pubescent boy bagger, both raising their inner eyebrows as the box is scanned and placed upright in the paper bag (yes i said paper)? can i do it? well, obviously i did, but i am still living with the shame of it. i'll heal some day. until then i'll cope with handfuls of sweet cereal that is good for a woman's heart. that is until i get sick of it.

trendspotting

i've got the jump on you this time demetri martin. i'm way ahead of you.

a few years back, it was popular for a lot of women's shirts to have a little tiny pocket on the sleeve up by the shoulder. i always questioned this little pocket. i mean, what possible use could it have? you could maybe put a cigarette in it--yes just one, or a quarter, or a cookie. of course i never saw any of these potential uses employed. it was too small for a wallet or key chain. no, it had no practical function--it is purely fashionable. though it looked ridiculous and fell out of fashion, perhaps never to return.

my apologies to anyone who still has a shirt with a pocket there.

another trend has risen up, or i should say has risen back up. ripped jeans. yes, it's cool to have those worn out jeans, even if they are worn out the day you buy them. it's more expensive to buy jeans that are falling apart then ones that will last. hey, it's fashion. don't complain.

now we could go into a number of trends that have sprung back up from the 80s. yes, they are returning, and the few of us in my generation who were too young to catch it the first time are old enough to be able to once again laugh at the ridiculousness of all that is over the top. that is, if we're not sucked in by the bright flashiness of it all. deer in the headlights, if you catch my drift.

but no, ripped jeans are not just fashion. now all you "socially conscious" people out there listen up. all you who are more excited now than christmas time because earth day is a mere 15 days away. you can embrace this trend for its shear functionability.

the other day, sitting at a restaurant, i saw a sorority girl using the large rip in her jeans a bit above the knee to hold her cell phone. brilliant! the ingenuity! what resourcefulness. of course, if your jeans aren't quite tight enough to function this way, go ahead and hit up a few all-you-can-eat buffets and fill them out. it's the american way AND now you are doing it for the environment.

so there you have it. you're up to date on the latest trend, and your ready to have your fashion double as saving the earth. no more need for pesky pockets and making poor foreign children go through all those elaborate sewings. think of all the time you're saving them! go ahead, give yourself a pat on the back.

and if you don't have jeans with rips in them, don't despair. just go out and buy a brand new ripped up pair for $99. think of all the good you'll be doing. and if you're a little tight on the cash right now, don't worry, just find yourself a nice big kitchen knife.

strangers

i was in a coffee shop today--the beloved java (not bluestem), sitting across the table from a friend, discussing life and politics and jesus. we were sharing a focaccia round with cholula sauce--oh don't get me started on the goodness of cholula sauce. the sun was slanted across our table, the delightful hum of general coffee shop activity glinted behind. you could here the keys tapping from laptops at the tables nearby. occasionally someone would laugh.

then, all of the sudden we here, "I HAVE BLEEDING SHIN SPLINTS." our conversation stops mid-sentence. the table next to us a woman is on her cell phone, "NO, I HAVE BLEEDING SHIN SPLINTS." and yes, i use all caps because i'm sure everyone in the whole shop could here her--and it's a fairly big place.

people are so funny. sometimes you notice because they're shouting. sometimes you just have to pay a little more attention.

i was at the grocery store today. i tried to go late last night, as i usually do, but i was very dissatisfied with the produce, and half the store was sectioned off for waxing the floors. i left in frustration. anyway, so i'm at the other dillons in manhattan today (in hopes they would have better produce--they did. and no, wal-mart is not an option). ok, so i'm standing in line after gathering all my items (a good amount--i stock up on my trips to the store, because i try to only go about once a month. i don't know why, and i invariably run out of the good things--like produce--but it just takes so much time!). yeah i'm really going to tell the story now.

standing in line, i noticed the woman in front of me. call me snoopy, but in a moment i had a glimpse of her life. she was quite older. grayish-white hair in tight curls held close to her head. solid glasses--the type that have probably been worn for 20 years. a large gray wool coat (it was 60 degrees this afternoon) that extended down below her hips. worn brown polyester pants quite faded. i didn't notice her shoes.

her groceries:
-2 cans of hormel spiced chili
-3 packages of fudge cookies
-1 potato (no bag)
-3 24 packs of milwaukee light beer (cans)
-8 healthy choice italian dinners (manacotti, ravioli, etc)
-1 carton of cigarettes

it's interesting how we can paint a picture of what we assume. for all i know she has many wonderful grandchildren that visit her all the time. or perhaps she has a husband of 40 years she shares all that beer with--i didn't happen to look for a wedding ring. but that one potato. one potato. and her eyes.

i'm not sure, but i think when you have lived that much life you will be off the fence in some ways. i feel like you will either feel like you have figured out something about life and why it's worth living, or you won't have and are either in despair that you have not, or more likely you have created some way to ignore or dilute the lack of satisfaction with life. now, that might be completely off since i'm only 24--but i think to some extent that has to be true. as in a lot of ways its true of anyone any age, it's just perhaps easier to ignore the younger you are. perhaps.

still, the point of it all is that i look at strangers. hell, i look at a lot of people who aren't strangers and i want to ask them the question, "what are you living your life for?" have they thought about it? i mean really thought about it, and does the way they live reflect that? i have to ask myself that question. in some ways i feel like i should ask it every day. does being so intentional take the joy out of life as it is sometimes assumed? no, not at all. fun can be just as much a distraction to joy as somber dedication (though that's not what intentionality truly is). at this point i'm nearly plagiarizing:

"One of the roots of the desire for pleasure is the feeling of emptiness and the pain of boredom following from it. Emptiness is the lack of relatedness to things and persons and meanings; it is even the lack of being related to oneself. Therefore we try to escape from ourselves and the loneliness of ourselves, but we do not reach the others and their world in a genuine relation. And so we use them for a kind of pleasure which can be called "fun." But it is not the creative kind of fun often connected with play; it is, rather, a shallow, distracting, greedy way of "having fun." And it is not by chance that it is that type of fun which can easily be commercialized, for it is dependent on calculable reactions, without passion, without risk, without love. Of all the dangers that threaten our civilization, this is one of the most dangerous ones: the escape from one’s emptiness through a "fun" which makes joy impossible."
--Tillich

Tillich also says that faith is not as much about belief but about ultimate concern. what are you ultimately concerned with, at the deepest level and at the most basic sum of your actions, and that is what you have faith in. that goes with chesterton saying something to the effect of "the dividing line in life is not between christians and non-christians, but between those who think seriously about life and those who do not."

i am not trying at all to be a proponent of life taken so seriously that it has no joy. if you are worried about that, read the full chapter from tillich here. but truly, what good does it do to go through life without knowing why you are doing 90% of the the things you do? maybe it's wrong of me to assume strangers are living that way. maybe they are full of purpose. but then why don't i see it in their eyes? do they see it in mine?

what if i went up and asked one of them completely out of the blue, "what are you living your life for?"?

2-0

yes, the royals are taking the series against who most are saying is "the best team in baseball."

b. bannister: 7ip, 2 hits. solid.

greinke takes the mound tomorrow...sweep anyone?


let's all soak in this hope and winning record while we can...mmm that's nice.

nouwen

"When we think about the people who have given us hope and have increased the strength of our soul, we might discover that they were not the advice givers, warners or moralists, but the few who were able to articulate in words and actions the human condition in which we participate and who encouraged us to face the realities of life. Preachers who reduce mysteries to problems and offer Band-Aid-type solutions are depressing because they avoid the compassionate solidarity out of which healing comes forth. But Tolstoy's description of the complex emotions of Anna Karenina, driving her to suicide, and Graham Greene's presentation of the burned out case of the Belgian architect Querry, whose search for meaning leads him to his death in the African jungle, can give us a new sense of hope. Not because of any solution they offered but because of the courage to enter so deeply into human suffering and speak from there. Neither Kierkegaard nor Satre nor Camus nor Hammarskjold nor Solzhenitsyn has offered solutions, but many who read their words find new strength to pursue their own personal search. Those who do not run away from our pains but touch them with compassion bring healing and new strength. The paradox indeed is that the beginning of healing is in the solidarity with the pain." (emphasis mine)

pachelbel rant

sun kil moon

moorestown is the song. the album--april, is here. well, actually not quite yet--but i have it and it's great.

although i did happen to notice the "genre" for it on my itunes, "sadcore," which is just a little...well, sad. very soothing though. great for a drizzly day.

chazoo!

confession: i have an addiction. i can't stop. i can't help myself. i need help. i need an intervention. i need rescuing.

yes, it's true. i can't stop eating Dinos & Sharks fruit snacks! (chazoo being the brand). i mean, they are just so good! naturally and artificially flavored. made with REAL fruit juice. and seriously, they provide 100% daily value of vitamin c. so they're healthy right??? one pouch is 100 calories and 1g of fat. 22g of carbs and 13g of sugar yes, but look at all that vitamin C!!! as a dessert substitute at least, not so bad right? unless someone out there is going to tell me that they contain some sort of bone enamel or squid parts that will coat my intestines, i think i'm ok.

(this is the part where you intervene, my dear friends)

hiatus

back from arkansas, among other things. sorry for the little blog break. it's over now.

"You alone are unutterable,
from the time you created all things,
that can be spoken of.
You alone are unknowable,
from the time you created all things
that can be known.
All things cry out about you;
those which speak,
and those which cannot speak.
All things honour you;
those which think,
and those which cannot think
For there is one longing, one groaning,
that all things have for you...

All things pray to you
that comprehend your plan
and offer you a silent hymn.
In you, the One, all things abide,
and all things endlessly run to you,
who are the end of all."

Gregory of Nazianzus, 329-389 AD

the test

if you haven't seen this yet, it's awesome. good luck!

http://dothetest.co.uk/

for tom

Mexican stand-off

–noun Informal: Sometimes Offensive.

a stalemate or impasse; a confrontation that neither side can win.

---

[Origin: 1890–95]

this seems to be the situation every couple months when it's dwindling. we all see it going, but who is going to be the one to break down and buy more? who will give in? who can hold out the longest? you see them shrink and disappear. finally you take to using other locations like on campus, or at a restaurant. maybe you even borrow a roll from one of these places, dropping it into your backpack behind locked doors.

yes, the source for toilet paper is always a point of contention. so tonight when all was gone and the need was dire, my roommate tom returned from wal-mart empty-handed. tragic. but he had won in a sense. what was to be my solution? would i have to make a late night run, enduring that knowing smile from the cashier? well good and gracious tom, he had it all figured out.

a roll of paper-towels torn in two. genius! don't you think? what ingenuity! what resourcefulness! and the results?

surprisingly ineffective.

Kierkegaard

"The commandment is that you shall love, but ah, if you will understand yourself and life, then it seems that it should not need to be commanded, because to love people is the only thing worth living for, and without this love you are not really living."

Soren Kierkegaard, Works of Love

10 songs

so the game is, you turn on shuffle on your itunes and play from your whole library, then list the first 10 songs that play--no cheating!

1. Suitcase -- Over the Rhine -- Ohio
2. III Courante -- Bach -- Cello Suite
3. The Man With No Skin -- Great Lake Swimmers
4. The Sporting Life -- The Decemberists -- Picaresque
5. Leif Erikson -- Interpol -- Turn on the Bright Lights
6. Baby's Clean Conscience -- Ugly Casanova -- Diggin' Holes
7. Best of Luck -- Nickel Creek -- Why Should the Fire Die?
8. Strike Me Down -- Reindeer Section -- Son of Evil Reindeer
9. Steel for Papa -- The Flashbulb -- Soundtrack to a Vacant Life
10. Friday I'm in Love -- The Cure -- Galore

there it is. play along!

ps the bonus song that i just can't help putting on:
11. Just a Friend -- Biz Markie

jane austen

"Jane Austen? Why I go so far as to say that any library is a good library that does not contain a volume by Jane Austen. Even if it contains no other book."

"Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone."

--Mark Twain


yes, this is a post that might draw some hatred--but it has to be done. i feel it is my duty. why do i feel it is my duty? because i have an english degree? because i am a man? because no one else has the guts? yes.

so women, what is the fascination with her books? i mean, she wrote pretty much the same story in every one of them right? are they really all that different? and what does it say that about them they that are primarily read by women?

of course we're not trying to judge them on whether or not they are good literature. you could argue both ways, but my favorite english professor loved her, and i respect his opinion enough to believe him. besides the fact that i've never actually read any jane austen :). haha

i guess the real issue here is that i feel like so many people limit themselves when there is so much good stuff out there to read. i feel the same way about tom clancy (on the guy end), or any books with shiny covers, or-dare i say it-j.k. rowling.

women of the world! put down your jane austen and pick up something else! men of the world! put down your tom clancy and pick up something else! pick up something that will challenge you, that will not take you to some escapist fantastical world that has so little bearing to your actual life and the things you experience. we can learn so much from stories about other worlds and such--that's not what i'm talking about. i'm talking about books that have something to say beyond just passing the time.

life is too precious to ever just pass the time.


now of course if you feel jane austen is not just passing the time, please feel free to disagree and inform me as to why. i dare you.

why i love kansas

now, you might not hear me say this all too often, especially when i am complaining about the fall season being way too short, or there usually not being enough snow in winter (not this year!). and though i've lived here nearly all my life, there are many other places i would love to go that are quite special. but no, there are some truly great things about kansas to be sure.

yesterday late afternoon i was laying outside in a bed of pine needles in 70 degree weather, soaking it in as the sun set. the evening remained beautiful, though very windy. this morning it was a little gloomy, and it turned into a wonderful rainy day. i'm not talking about a pseudo-rainy day where it rains for like an hour, i'm talking about raining all. day. long. yes, glorious. it turned to thunderstorms as it started to get dark. and then it was snowy heavy, slushy flakes, which have since solidified into snowflakes and it's 35 degrees outside. all this in just over 24 hours. all we needed was a tornado in there somewhere. only in kansas.

of course it's funny that our love for a place has to do so much with the weather. never mind the great people, the amazing attractions (or lack thereof), or the proximity to the beach and mountains. weather is such a crazy driving force here in america. no, it's not universal. other countries care about the weather far less than we do--even in agrarian countries much more dependent on it than us. we have to know what the weather will be. we have to use it as a filler in dead conversation. we let it dictate our mood. is it just me or does that seem like an unhealthy level of susceptibility? if something as simple as the weather can do that, what chance do we then have against stronger forces?

oh, sorry for that aside. i'm off my soapbox now. of course i also love kansas for the amazing people, but i've already talked about that. seven hours to the mountains--could be worse. the beach? who needs it? way overrated. besides, the thunderstorms we get here are incredible and are incomparable.

quote of the week

"Communion with God is more often an intuition or inner conviction that God's heart is greater than your heart, God's mind is greater than your human mind, and God's light is so much greater than your light that it might blind you and make you feel like you're in the night."

Henri Nouwen

i'm (not) neutral

it's a funny name for a blog if you don't know the back story. i went to switzerland for a semester, a notoriously neutral country, and started this blog to chronicle my travels there. i appreciated the irony, as a blog is usually a place for anything but neutrality. i suppose it is that irony that has allowed me to keep the name, though i have thought often about changing it. somehow it still just seems to fit.

i'm not a very decisive person usually. i'm wondering if that is truly the case, or if i just give way to others more often because that is the general condition of a youngest child. you rarely get your way, so it doesn't do much good to fight for it. there are other methods to get your way of course, and the baby of the family is certainly a master of these techniques most often to the resentment of the older siblings. of course with your parents there is also the benefit of them having just been so exhausted by the first few children that they are too tired to try so hard with you. there just isn't as much need to fight.

i am talking about decisions. i thought an INFJ was supposed to be good at making decisions. it's that J part. i am generally pretty laid back, but if it's something i feel strongly about i'll be as stubborn as they come. a J is supposed to generally understand their feelings a bit more as well. i suppose that's why it is even harder when there is confusion.

when i decided to come to k-state i didn't give it a ton of thought. after a semester here i thought i had made a mistake, chosen the wrong place, hadn't listened to God in it. i think i was wrong about that--i am so glad i ended up here in manhattan. but in the midst of wrestling with feeling like i had made that mistake God didn't tell me that i had made the wrong decision. he told me that it wasn't my job to try to fix it by transferring, but rather that he had made it right. thank God for the goodness of God.

still though, i wonder what life would have been like if i had gone somewhere else. and i think that even as i am extremely please with how it went. what if i wasn't so satisfied with the course i took? and i didn't even understand the weight of that decision at the time--how could i? is it easier to not know how critically important the decision ahead is? sometimes it seems like it.

is it possible to take a direction at a fork in the road and not wonder where the other path may have led? but you can't just stand at the fork. neutrality is cowardice. but that of course is the point--it's meant to be ironic. i will not be neutral.

how do you just make one of the hardest decisions in your life?

east of eden - fistful of quarters

ok this movie is hilarious, and awesome. it is extremely well done. it's the type of movie that is really cool and not a lot of people know about it--but soon it will be the next spellbound and it will be popular and those of you out there who think things lose credibility once they have become mainstream will no longer take so much delight in it, like napoleon dynamite or juno or death cab.

still, it has quite the story and characters, complete with its nerds, protagonists, and villains. particularly there is one villain. his name is billy mitchell. he's sleazy, arrogant, has the trophy wife, self-absorbed, has a terrible style, and is somewhat of a coward. at the end of the movie we were all expressing our extreme hatred for the guy, calling him names and talking about sending him hate mail. of course, we were just joking around, but i'm sure the type of people who actually do those things will be all over it because the movie did a stellar job of portraying this guy as the biggest douchbag you've ever seen. my favorite line of the movie is from billy: "on my phone it says 'never surrender.'

so i walked away from that movie to my car chuckling to myself at some of the insults we had come up with, however nonetoopleasant they were.

today i finished reading East of Eden. it took me quite awhile but i got there. i really enjoyed it, and while i'm not going to give you a book report, there are some pertinent themes here. as you might guess by the title, the book deals a lot with the question of good and evil. the primary relationship explored is the brother-brother/cain-abel. but throughout the whole book the question keeps coming up of if a person can be good, and if some are destined to evil--if some lack that something that brings goodness.

in the book it seems those who are completely good and those who are completely bad end up alone and isolated. it is those who struggle with their combined nature who find some degree of happiness in life, even if they bring the others around them down with their complexity. humanity is defined by "thou mayest" the choice to do either good or evil. and those idealists who believe in only one it seems are those who cannot truly live their life. it's a powerful theme.

in this story there is one of the evilest characters i've ever read. she has some serious issues. but fortunately the complexity of her keeps you from pure hatred--though horror is an accurate description. these are the sorts of people we find in fiction. they make their point. but perhaps one of steinbeck's points is that these people don't really exist, they don't really live.

so i'm driving home thinking about billy mitchell. he is painted with the brush and we loathe. he is the guy we root for to fail. but billy mitchell is no fictional character. and the beauty of the documentry is that it is just that--a documentary. you cannot look at him and see his acting. you look at him and you see his front. it's so off-putting you are most likely to not allow yourself to look long enough. because it's in his eyes. it's in his trophy wife with plastic breasts and the way he clings to her as he walks around the arcade.

below all the bravado is a human. a man who has sold his identity to a bunch of computer chips, a few buttons, and a joystick. he is dominated by fear. because if he loses this he loses all he is. and if you see this, you see this human just like me and you, then the hatred fades. and if you're not careful you might make the next mistake and pity him, providing another judgment. no, we are all so insecure when it comes down to it. and we have our own little posses that give us the security we need in one way or another.

maybe what we hate so much in billy is what we see in ourselves and wish wasn't there. so we project. or maybe we're much too clever at deceiving ourselves and miss our own constructions. in any event, the wisdom of a little girl still rings true--though she is talking about getting into the guinness book of world records it applies to all we achieve and strive for: "a lot of people ruin their lives trying to do that."

it may be easy to see the pointlessness in spending so much of your life striving to accumulate points on a 30 year old video game. it may be a lot harder to see the pointlessness in a lot of the things we strive for, trying to prove ourselves in whatever way.

blessed

my room has six windows in it. in the winter i keep the blinds closed to try and keep in a little heat. otherwise i like to have them open as much as possible. but right now i just have one of the blinds half up--the one that is just over the top of my computer, so i raise my eyes now and see through the bare branches down to the street below. i can also just see the western sky, a peek of the sunset when it comes. cars pass occasionally, but mostly there is stillness. and the tiny figures of a person or two walking to class.

it's almost as if you have to be this far away to appreciate the magnanimity in people. to see them so tiny. everything else around is all for them, all for us. even the glow of the sunset. we get far too focused on all the surroundings so often. or we become so focused on just one person that the rest become fuzzy.

sometimes there is a desire in me to take far too much of it in. to engage in far too many friendships than one person can hold.
sometimes i want to go off and live secluded from all else, so that i can be free from all that they take. and yet i love to give. but it keeps me from much else.
sometimes i want to love one woman to a depth i cannot even imagine right now. i think that's most of the time.

really though i'm writing this post because i was reflecting on something these past few days. i had a couple friends come to manhattan to visit, a couple phone conversations, and other interactions. i've had a lot of things kind of stirred up in me over the past several weeks, and while life was something slower and calmer--accompanied by a stillness from God not long ago, all that has changed. life has taken off running.

and in the midst of it all i am just incredibly struck by the amazing friends that i have in my life. i cannot express how blessed i feel by them and how fortunate i am in having so many quality presences in my life. for those of you who are them and are in the blogging world, thank you.

life is about people. true joy comes from the beauty of relationship, both with God and people. you can trudge all over europe to seek beauty and find nothing of that true joy. i wish the same blessing upon you all.

give.

my favorites: the rock

well for those of you out there that know me, you might say i'm something of a fairly serious or intense person--in a sort of way. this is really reflected in the art that i love: russian literature, dramatic intense movies, rembrandt, 'melancholy' music, etc.

of course, this does not tell the whole story. and this is a dedication to the other side, the one that doesn't always come out in a place like a blog. in my top 5 movies, right along with braveheart, big fish, the shawshank redemption, and good will hunting--is the rock.

yeah, that's right, the rock. sean connery kicking ass, nicolas cage playing the role he is supposed to--a dorky overachiever, great chase scenes, betrayal, conflict, a good plot, secrets, humor, a thrilling ending, and of course a great soundtrack. yup, that's right. the rock.

i thought about posting a video of a great line, but it's not quite g-rated, so if you want to see it go here. but then go do yourself a favor and go see it if you haven't!

quote of the week

"To be afraid of hell and desirous of a life without pain or trouble in heaven was not in itself Christian. It was self-interest on a higher level...But even in more spiritual forms of conversion, as long as men are wholly intent on their own destiny, they do not necessarily emerge from selfishness. It only changes its form. A Christian regeneration must have an outlook toward humanity and result in a higher social consciousness.
The saint of the future will need not only a theocentric mysticism which enables him to realize God, but an anthropocentric mysticism which enables him to realize his fellow-men in God."

Walter Rauschenbusch in 1917

something of a lullaby

if you haven't heard bon iver yet, here's a taste. it's incredible. i couldn't find my favorite song of his to put on here, but this will do. enjoy.

shortcuts

the wisdom today comes from our friend steinbeck: "In uncertainty I am certain that underneath their topmost layers of frailty men want to be good and want to be loved. Indeed, most of their vices are attempted short cuts to love."

damn straight. of course we tend to focus on the misguided short cuts--the bad things to get money or power so we will be loved, or the misguided loves--that when we feel pleasure or delight that is in some way love. but are their other vices in pursuing love in ways that are accepted?

what are our shortcuts?

does this have to do with our belief that love is finding yourself, when in reality maybe love actually is losing yourself? ok maybe it's both. but do we give up on losing ourselves for the finding? do we take a shortcut that way?

do we jump into something that is not yet its time? or are we so driven by the need that we our desire for love is tainted--it can no longer be a pure and good want in our life?

do we avoid the brokenness and vulnerability that is necessarily to truly receive love? or do we try to earn it by being so good as to not need to go to that place with God, with another, with a family member?

is love something that needs to be earned? it's at least something that does not truly come quickly that is for sure--no matter what you want to say about love at first sight. it is much to full to happen in an instant.

many more thoughts could come from this very rich statement. i don't have any more right now.

anna

so this was my four year old niece's quote of the evening, as we all were sitting around the kitchen table talking after dinner:

"um, you guys, can we go out in the living room? i just want to go out there and chill with you guys."

wow, so precious.

quote of the week

"The first task of seeking guidance then is to touch your own struggles, doubts, and insecurities--in short, to affirm your life as a quest. Your life, my life, is given graciously by God. Our lives are not problems to be solved but journeys to be taken with Jesus as our friend and finest guide."

Henri Nouwen

this is great

just try to tell me you're not in tears after watching that.

super wednesday

today was ash wednesday for those of you out there following the church calendar a little more than you are following the primary calendar. do you know off the top of your head what lent is actually about? i have to admit that i didn't at first thought, beyond leading up to easter.

lent celebrates the 40 days that Jesus went off into the desert fasting, praying, and being tempted by the devil. dostoyevsky saw huge significance in the three temptations, and how they signified the major temptations we face. and how, for the most part, the church has fallen to all three of them. that's not the point of this post, but if you're interested check out The Grand Inquisitor, or if you're slightly more ambitious The Brothers Karamazov, which is where it's from. It's way better in context anyway. i cannot recommend a book more highly. but i digress.
there is some degree of irony in the fact that this comes the day after super tuesday. Jesus was quite the interesting political figure--but i don't know enough about that yet. a lot of people followed Jesus' example and followed Jesus out into the desert, living a monastic life. this political season makes that especially tempting! but after the temptation he came back into the world and ministered. in Luke 4 he receives the Spirit of the Lord in order to really change things--to heal the sick, to give sight to the blind, to preach the good news.

comparing that to any sort of political leader is just so silly. i have always wanted to just reject politics, and in a lot of ways i still do. but that is not to reject social reform. this is a key distinction. why do we feel that we need to do this through the political system? sometimes i wonder if europeans care more about politics because that is all they really have to put their hope in for social change. the states still have many religious organizations doing a lot of charity and social work. but that's a bit beside the point. is it worth the time and energy to engage in politics for such slow and little change? can't it be more worthwhile elsewhere? is it more of a stand for change not to vote (democratic heresy!!!)? did Jesus rally for a good caesar? or a better king of the jews than herod antipas? or do we follow our own way? thoughts?

another observation: i noticed romney carried 90% of utah. and hilary is doing very well among women voters, and obama among the blacks, and huckabee among conservative christians. do we even care about the issues at all? some of those allegiances have to do with policy (generally one or two issues only), but really--can we take this election seriously if this is the way we decide who to vote for?

stopped

enveloped smoke around
a car.
from a manhole underneath
wails its gift.
shivers against leather
there is all the warm of a cigarette.
the metronomes are set slow
in unison
they never touch.

another rhythm kept;
wet mist.
straining to hear--
no, to feel
your hairs come together and drip
your neck
your ear
your cheek.

wiped away steadily on
smooth glass.
a flick and the beams rise
the rain giving them reach.
it's time to go.

your feet are heavy
and your mind sluggish.
and maybe
you sit there a moment longer.

drama

i have to admit, the return of a certain unnameable television show tonight spurred this rant.

one word: sensationalism. there was a time and a place where this was mocked, where this was scoffed at as 'cheap entertainment.' drama is of course a very important element in any sort of fiction genre, but there comes a point when it is just ridiculously over the top. the abuse of it has always been around to some extent, but it's just gone off the deep end now.

there used to just be the dramatic event at the end of a large part in a book, spurring on the next section. now there is a cliff hanger at the end of every 3 page chapter. there used to be dramatic endings to an entire show, or perhaps a season. now every single show has a 'spellbinding' ending. beyond that, there is a question looming at every commercial break!

fiction is not the only culprit. we see it especially in 'reality tv,' specifically game shows. Who Wants to be a Millionaire really took it to a new level, with lowering the lights and dramatic music and the commercial break right before the answer is revealed. and everyone followed suit. deal or no deal, the moment of truth (a sad commentary in itself), etc. they all are ridiculous. they take 10 minutes worth of content and stretch it into an hour. lingering the extreme close-ups on their face. why do we accept this!?! and don't get me started on the new american gladiators. decked out in barely any clothing, the gladiators yell a grunt to say they are ready. people swim under fire. it is completely overdone--even more so than the 80s version! the 80s version! (ok early 90s, but it started in the 80s) yes, the 1980s, where hair was big and everything was overdone. we are worse! we don't need big hair. (oh and everyone gets injured on that show! what kind of gladiator gets injured and sits out events?).

you know what it is? it creates a guise over terrible plots and bad acting, and all we care about is "what's going to happen next???". we become addicted simply because it's a cheap feeling of excitement in our otherwise uneventful lives. ok that's a bit harsh--but it is living vicariously. at best we become attached to the characters because they have some sort of development or endearing quality (usually brought on by the actor, not the plot). but they're not real! really the only 'real' thing we can take is a greater meaning within the stories. but we don't even care about the deeper values or ideas put forth--if there even are any.

i am guilty too. yes, i watched every episode of the OC. what? seth was funny. yes, i know i'm a hypocrite. speaking of deeper values. i have since mourned the loss of several weeks of my life i will never get back.

sometimes i begrudge the approval of subtlety in fiction, but i do see why it is really necessary. and my point of consolation is that movies seem to still do the majority of their 'drama' genre pretty well. and of course there's always good fiction out there--but contemporary fiction has its own issues.

so, if any of you screen writers on strike out there happen upon this post, i know that america eats up the crappy drama--but for pity's sake, use this free time to write something decent. and of course i don't blame you entirely, i know much is the director and producers. oh hollywood, how distinctly american. it's times like this i wonder if i live in the wrong country.

and those of you out there who watch these shows, time for some soul-searching. why do you watch? i mean really, for real, why?

faith

I've been thinking a bit about faith recently. A friend remarked tonight that sports is a religion, to which I countered, "So is Oprah." We all have our "little faiths." But what do I mean by that? The problem comes in our idea of what faith is.

Faith is not belief system, it is not a set of beliefs that we ascribe to. In fact, faith is not simply beliefs, as we have come to distort the word. Faith is not an act of knowledge with a low degree of evidence. Faith is not a just trust either, though that is a vital part of it. It is not just trust in authority, whatever that source may be--the Bible, a religious authority (pope or prophet), tradition. Faith is not a creation of the will either. So what is it?

Faith is our ultimate concern. It is what is absolutely most important to us in life. That is what we have faith in. Faith is not just saying what we believe. It is not just acting along a set of principles. No, it is what we care most about--that is what our faith is in. It's the first commandment. It is the sum greatest command that Jesus gives in Mark 12:30.

What do you care most about? A basketball game? A significant other? A television? Music? Do your life's actions match up with what you would want your answer to be. The Greek word for faith "pistis" and the Hebrew conception of faith has no alternative between faith and faithfulness. They are the same word, they are the same thing. What is your ultimate concern?

Gives new meaning to the phrase "put your faith in Christ Jesus." Also gives a new thought to what doubt looks like in our life. And to what "the Christian faith" is. It's not all so abstract and intellectual as we might have thought. How did we ever get to thinking that???

God is good

God is good. God is good. God is good.

If I keep saying it enough, will I believe it?

How is it possible that I don't already? I mean, I know that God is good. Of course God is good. There is so much in my life to remind me that God is good. There is so much that speaks to his goodness. And yet something in me questions it. Is he really? Does he really want to bless me? Does it have to be this hard? Sometimes he seems almost even sadistic. Is that weird? How can I even think that?

Texas was awful, but was it really that bad? The last night we were there, at the conference this missionary to Sri Lanka gave a talk, basically about her life story. It was a really emotional story, full of heartbreak and tragedy--coming to somewhat of a climax with the suicide of her father. As she received the news, amidst tears and sobs, she cried out over and over to her pastor on the other end of the phone, "My top button is buttoned! My top button is buttoned!" Which was a reference to a message she had received in training, that when you button your shirt, you get that top button right and all the rest line up straight. That top button is that God is good.

As I sat in the passenger seat a week ago, cruising north of Dallas, I looked out the window at cars flying past us going 90mph. "Of course they don't get a ticket. Here I come down to Texas to seek God, graciously volunteer my car, and this is the reward." As I lay in destitution a few days later, bearing the weight of the flu, feeling like death, I thought, "How much more do you need to break me?"

Then of course comes the reality check. What's a wreck and a ticket, what's a couple thousand dollars compared to losing a parent? What's the flu compared to a friend of mine from Bible College dying in a car accident a few days ago? This isn't that much tragedy. I've been through far worse and turned to God with it. So why does all this now turn me to scoffing and skepticism? to questioning the goodness of God?

The reality is that we button our top buttons long before we step outside and feel the cold wind blow. The wind just shows us how many buttons we missed.

It was not Texas that shook me. No, it was the months before then and God's leading in a personal situation, and then how that turned. That's the soft underbelly. And I can understand it all. I can rationalize it out. I can sit with God on that Friday night of the conference and weep with him, mourning the situation. He can comfort me then and I can feel his love. But the need for healing runs deeper than one night. The need for knowing goes deeper than understanding.

God needed to break me down to speak to me about next year. And speak he did. It would seem that I'm staying in Manhattan again next year, against all expectations. I'm glad. I want to be where he wants me to be. And if it took all that to get me to stay, then of course it was worth it. I mean, damn, I think I would have listened without all that but....


I never would have thought it would be so hard to believe that God is good. Why is my knowledge of his love separated from my understanding of his goodness? I've known a lot of goodness in love. But I've also known some love without a ton of goodness. Of course I don't know much about love. And if I admit it as well, I probably don't know all that much about what is really good. The absence of tragedy? The presence of happiness? of joy? That's another post entirely.

A friend of mine once told me Bart Campolo said that he doesn't always know that God is good. But he knows that he hopes that he is. And faith is trusting in our hopes, even as we lay it on the altar to be sacrificed. Following you old Abe.

do ever have one of those nights when you are so tired, but something inside you won't let you go to sleep? it's as if this night holds a secret and you must put in your time to build its trust. and then, just maybe it will whisper it in your ear.

"it's two o'clock and i can't sleep or at least i'm still awake
something there is in consciousness that slumber cannot break."

quote of the week

"The natural response of the soul to God is absolute and complete surrender to Him. Too many mental reservations, too many cautions of worldly prudence, and we become disobedient to the heavenly vision, and the apostolic fires are quenched, or smolder as a feeble flame. Fearing excess we have not feared caution, or dared to believe that the only security is in Him."
--Thomas Kelly

a bit more venting

preface--not an attempt for sympathy.

another reason to hate texas:

the texas department of transportation called the woman i hit trying to get her to speak with a chiropractor about her neck, which wasn't even hurt and not in the report at all. she declined, as a good person would. (they called her on MLK day!)

THEN, she gets a call from a chiropractor's office saying that they heard she wanted to schedule an appointment with them about her whiplash! she was appalled, thankfully. (besides the fact that chiropractors are not doctors and often cause more damage then they fix)

damn texas.

then my printer broke yesterday. the damage estimates are high. and now i have the flu.

can i curl up in a ball now and not leave my house?

...my next post will not be so negative, i promise.

it's official:

i hate texas.

i think before it was just mostly joking, scoffing at their arrogance and ultra-stateism (yes i made that up that word--they're not a nation). i would joke that we should just give them up, hand over the alamo, you know, all that. but i think now it's more than that. why you ask? well then, let me tell you.

my day:
1. got in a car wreck on the way to the last session of a conference i went to this weekend in waco (the conference being the one redeeming factor, somewhat--see #5). yes, part of it was my fault. yes, the police filed a report. yes, my car and the one i hit were the only ones damaged in a 6 car pile-up. couldn't really avoid it, but at least my car was drivable to make it back.

2. after sitting for an hour while the report was filled out, we got back on the road. not an hour after that i got a speeding ticket in a construction zone--fines doubled. of course, the reason the cop radared me was because the six cars in front of me all going 85 were led by a cop and bunched together. i, being more careful, was going 75 and that created the nice separation for the radar gun to spot me (speed limit was 60).

3. my license was suspended in the state of texas, so i sat in degradation in the passenger seat for the next 4 hours, staring at the crusty earth of this barren, god-forsaken state.

4. a few hours later, the combination of the whiplash from the car behind me hitting me, and the 9 hour car drive created a nice driving migraine, which loved the dark roads being pierced by upcoming headlights for hours on end.

5. while the conference had some cool things about it, i realized i'm not really all that keen on big christian conferences. and i didn't hear much, which wasn't entirely surprising given the spiritual season that i am in.

6. i visited baylor's english grad department, something i was excited about. and i wasn't crazy about it for multiple reasons, probably not for the internet's eyes though. also, i don't think i can picture myself in texas, the now dubbed "fat ass of the u.s."©. something about the conservative buckle of the bible belt as well--just not me. good people though. (of course watch after posting this i'll end up down there...)


well let's just hold it to six--somehow it changed from a list of bad things in my day, to a list of why this weekend sucked. don't know how that happened...of course, blaming the state might not be entirely accurate (but drivers there really suck i'm not kidding, that's a fact). i just feel entirely justified in doing so right now. now don't go arguing you texas-lovers (graham), you know it's true.

new found love

this is incredible, you have to check this out:
larknews.com

my favorites:
wild at heart
abstinence
gniv
homeschool
jabez


they're actually really well done. love it!

quote of the week

it's not that i necessarily intend to do a quote every week, but maybe. i just like the title, and that's rare, cause i'm terrible with titles. anyway, here without further ado:

"We will never experience life in loving union with God as long as the roots of our identity, meaning, value, and purpose are grounded in something other than God."
--M. Robert Mulholland Jr.

neither death nor life

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present, nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
--Romans 8:38-39

Of any verses in the Bible, these have always by far meant the most to me. Through the many family trials, the changes in life, the transitions and the losses, this promise of God is the foundation of all that I am, of all that I strive to do. It is what has kept me in the arms of God. It is His inseparable love that gives me hope in the midst of my fears, meaning in the midst of my doubt, solace in the divorces of life and relationships, joy in my despair, and peace somewhere deeper than it all.

Reading this verse again recently a phrase was highlighted: neither death nor life. And that is what I want to think about a bit now.

I feel like I have a bad tendency, especially when reading scripture, to view a list as one complete concept. It's not so important what every object is, but rather the point that they make as a whole--so I gloss over the words for the greater point. Here it would be that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Nothing. But that is not the full truth. Not only nothing, but no thing. And some of those particular things are pretty important. It might be easy to let the connection slip because these are the first two in the list--but these things do not separate us from the love of God. Death cannot. Life cannot.

Death cannot separate us from the love of God. This is maybe the one we focus on the most. "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" We are freed from the wages of sin. But so often we are still not freed from the fear of it. Death may no longer be the victor, but who of us have not felt its sting? Who of us do not fear our own death, or even worse that of who we care most about?

Not only is our own death unable to separate us from the love of God, but it also cannot separate us in others' deaths. The pain of grief and loss will never be able to make us fully empty. Let everything pass away, still we would not be alone or unloved.

There is another death that cannot separate us from God: the death of ourselves, our earthly nature, the part of us still opposed to God. Acts of sin no longer separate us from God--the rest of Romans 8 is quite clear about that. It is a heart held on to sin and independence that shuts God out (his presence, not his love). But the war with our flesh and the sins that remain, the sins that are not who we truly are anymore--those cannot separate us from God either. That's what the end of Romans 7 is all about. Do not worry over the part of you that is still being put to death and the failures there--they do not separate you from God. Keep your heart seeking him, your inner being delighting in the Lord, and there is no separation.

But in this it is not the death that separates us, but the remnants of the old life. And this does not have any power either.

Life cannot separate us from the love of God. Life. Oh we know that death can't keep us from God anymore, but really? neither can life?

Your life cannot keep you from the love of God.

What is your life? Your life is all you are, all you have been, all you will be. Everything you've ever done. Every terrible moment, every sacred offering. Even the most beautiful service cannot make God love you anymore. His love for you is no less nor more than for Mother Teresa, than for a murdering terrorist.

Life cannot keep us from the love of God. Whatever it has to throw at you. Life can certainly seem pretty cruel at times. And it's in many ways all we know. But it is not all we have. We have something far greater. We have the love of God.

tagged by...um, no one

I guess this is kind of like declaring "I'm it!" in joining a game of tag. In other words, I stole this idea from someone else's blog even though I wasn't 'tagged.' I just really liked the idea and wanted to do it. I hope that's ok...

One book that changed your life:

A Testament of Devotion by Thomas Kelly

One book that you read more than once:

The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

One book that you would want on a desert island:

Works of Love by Soren Kierkegaard

One book that made you laugh:

Dead Souls by Nikolai Gogol

One book that made you cry:

Sex God by Rob Bell

One book you wish you had written:

Telling the Truth: Seeing the Gospel as a Tragedy, Comedy, and Fairy Tale by Frederick Buechner

One book you are currently reading:

The Challenge of Jesus by N.T. Wright

One book you have been meaning to read:

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

And now, to pass on the love:

What about you?
Graham
Sarah
Rachel

church signs

i once had the idea to make a coffee table book with pictures of cheesy church signs. but alas, it has already been done. drat. well, here's one i saw this week:

"Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop."

the next step

taking an active poll: what should luke do next with his life?

A. Another year in Manhattan with Ichthus--year 2, exponential?
B. Move to Kansas City--job? but there are my best of friends, and the new chicago...
C. Live in a monastery (L'Abri? Taize? Other...)
D. Missions in Alaska--amazing, raise support again? for something entirely different, hmm
E. Live in a cabin and write books--oh shoot, what about food...
F. Teach English in St. Petersburg Russia--a bit chilly...and maybe a bit lonely...
G. Fill in the blank________--other ideas? and no, professional wedding goer is not an option.


There's part of me that dreads this process coming up once again. It's the anxiety of graduation all over again. But then would it be better to be locked into something and secure? Actually, maybe. But security does not become me these days.

I watched Hook tonight, got a little teared up like always. That movie, let me tell you. To live will be an awfully big adventure. There's something in there that strikes me. It's the tension of living that adventurous exploration and the adventure of life. Peter Pan, the never grow up kid, did. Why? Cause he wanted to be a dad. He wanted a family. Happiness is only real when shared.

I'm sure I'll make friends wherever I go, but part of me is weary of starting over again and again with people. A man can only have so many true friends. But I don't want to stay just because of that. And really, isn't so much of it about the one? wherever might she be? But maybe I just need the One. That's what a monastery would be all about. Maybe half that? Some time there but not a full year?

I do know that I have to fight not to be dissatisfied with my life. Probably because of the dissatisfaction with myself, which will probably go to any of those places I go--even Alaska, couldn't hide from me there. If you haven't yet, see Into the Wild. The question I have is, if I live radically enough for God, will that be the answer?

Don't worry, it's just the courage of despair. "They attack as a morbid longing for negativity what in reality is courageous acceptance of the negative. They call decay what is actually the creative expression of decay. They reject as meaninglessness the meaningful attempt to reveal the meaninglessness of our situation." Don't do it. "[You] should decide for truth against safety, even if the safety is consecrated and supported by the churches." (Tillich, The Courage to Be)

What do you want? In some ways, I have no idea. And at the same time, I know so much of what I want. And I pray to God the truth is in that.

Jesus I'm a sucker, I wish I believed less of the lies
that everything I thought I knew, would turn out to be true.

James Lipton meets Jesus video voice

You have to love this.

Nappy Yew Hear

Happy New Year. A friend of mine told me that 7 is the number of change and 8 is the number of new beginnings. Yup, sounds about right.