irresistible

i read a really interesting article online that I would like to share. i commented on it, because it really impacted me. would be curious of your thoughts--especially those of you living with me (but the others too :)).

read it here.

i'm going to jackson

well actually i'm already there. i've had the crazy good fortune to visit the John M. Perkins Center with a group of people from Kansas City. If you don't know who John Perkins is, take a look at this, or this organization he started. the man is legit. i got to listen to him a little this morning and i already have had my world sufficiently rocked.

it is a really amazing opportunity to be down here with just people from kansas city, all of whom are participating in some sort of kingdom work in kc. we are discussing what it is God is up to in the city, what challenges we are facing, what has been working and what hasn't, as well as a host of other questions and ideas. at the very least it is great to meet all these people and form relationships with other groups in the city.

we have several discussion times with perkins and his wife, and the small group atmosphere is way better than any sort of conference. i'm a little sad i am only here two days and wish i could be here longer--but at the same time i miss my community and what is going on there.

i'm sure i'll have a lot of processing to do after this, and probably some of it will find it's way onto here. this is all so incredible. time for another discussion!

the guillemots

"the rising tide"

a joke

i've fallen in love in the coffee shop.
just now when we made eye contact,
below your stylish bangs that match
your stylish bag.
you look a little like zooey deschanel.

and now the curve of your finger
as you hold a double-spaced paper.
are you a teacher?
and won't you please turn your hand
just a little more?
oh good--
no ring.

i'm jealous of the man by you--
the worker sweeping by your table.
it's getting close to that time
when they'll start dimming the lights.
you put on your cardigan
and give me one last glance.

unaware that i'm writing about you,
you walk out the door
and out of my life.
should i try to come back this time next week?
or cut my losses
and let my heart mend?
softly saying,
better to have loved and lost...

white noise

i've tried to write several entries lately on the deeper level but have had a hard time following through with those thoughts. it's like there is a level of engagement that i am finding difficult. even as i type this now a sort of haze comes over my mind. i'm not sure why--but i'm wondering if it has anything to do with the neighborhood. i've heard a lot about the spiritual weight of living in this part of the city from people who have moved here, but at first i didn't feel like i felt it. more lately though i have been noticing some things that seem different. but is it really this neighborhood that is the cause?

i'm a little challenged by this idea that this neighborhood is a place of darkness, that there is a spiritual weight of oppression and violence here, that evil is on the loose here. those things may be true to a large extent, but what makes that any different from the suburbs or the country? is there not just as much fear there, only under a different guise? is there not just as much sin there--it's just polished and below the surface. is it not arrogant to assume that just because there is money in a place so it looks nicer that there is less spiritual oppression there? maybe this "weight" of oppression is just simply our own discomfort at the difference and loss of some comforts.

granted that crime is much higher here, and i think yes, the devil is at work here in some visible and outright ways that are frightening and destructive. but so too is there destruction and fear deep in the heart of the suburb or small town, and other evils too.

of course the need down here is great, and that is why we are here. there are lots of reasons why we are down here and not in the suburbs--not that there's anything wrong with that--but i don't want to get into those reasons now.

it's been difficult in this early time, wondering what it is that we are doing here. it is a season of introduction and preparation, but still it is hard not to wonder what it is we are down here to do exactly. or what things are going to look like, how the heck we are going to relate with anyone or what difference we are going to make. that's not to say that i don't have a lot of hopes and dreams for what God could do. and i understand that it is a long and hard road down here. perhaps my fear though is that we would just be white noise down here. a little flash in the pan and/or just some sort of insignificant drop in the bucket.

i want to see true change and transformation take place. not for my sake or our community or any sort of notoriety. but truly to see lives rescued and people made whole and brought to a salvation of the most holistic kind. that this would not be some good experience where i learn a lot, or some personal growth exercise. i want my hope to have real substance--to see the hand of God move and the kingdom break in.

why?

not because i want a big church. not because of any sense of accomplishment or obligation. not to try to bring about my own inner fulfillment or dispel my own doubts or fears.

because i long to see people freed from the death that permeates their lives. i don't know why people voluntarily continue to live there, without asking what they are living for, why they are doing what they are doing, settling for lesser things. missing out on the love they could know. denying the freedom they could find. more than just a better standard of living or a few steps higher on the socio-economic ladder. to be free of the horrible oppression of the american dream and the addictions we create in ourselves to try to amass the stuff or numb ourselves from the pain of the emptiness of its lack. all that and so much more.

may eyes be opened and freedom be found. and may the fight to get there be fought well. may we all start to pick up our swords and charge forward a little more, that we might get closer to those gates which we are supposed to one day overcome.

persona

i've been struck recently by a few conversations and then a few personal observations all pertaining to the same sort of topic. the general idea is that there are a lot of people out there who are very different on their blog compared to how they are in real life. do you feel that's true? what about other social networking sites? facebook? twitter?

sure certain aspects of people's personalities come through in different degrees--but people are also given the time to filter what they say and display. is this persona we put out there an intentional projection to make people think x, y, or z about us? i think often it's not always intentional. i know several people who at least seem in some ways different on their blog than real life, which makes me wonder about the prospects of online-only friendships or relationships.

so, to go completely narcissistic on you, and since commenting is generally a rare occurrence in which you can indulge this once--

how have you noticed i am different from the person who comes out through my blog?

i have some guesses, but i'm interested to hear.

review: david bazan's curse your branches

i've never really quite understood people who can listen to an album or watch a movie and then instantly write a review about it. maybe i am just a little dense but usually i feel like it takes a few times through to really process and absorb what it is that i am taking in. of course if it is something horribly shallow then you can write it off rather quickly. but something with true depth and meaning--that requires reflection and time to unfold. curse your branches is just such an album.


"when we fell"

bazan's albums with pedro the lion have always required such an investment. they are not easy to listen to, but something always brought you back to them. it was the depth of the lyrics. it was the molding of the sound with the action of the story. but perhaps more than anything at least for a lot of young christians it was the prophetic voice that called out against hypocrisy in the church and looked at the painful realities of life as opposed to the church's frequent smiling veneer. he gave an expression to the young christian's angst. he was the evangelical's kurt cobain, and as per usual to christian culture about a decade behind (more the culture's fault, not bazan's).

but bazan's path led him to a declared agnosticism. his "break up with God" left his fans with confusion and uncertainty. even with a slightly better explained and less commercial explanation, many of bazan's christian fans are still left wondering if they can continue to listen to his music. will it lead me down the same path? and what's more it could change your perspective on his music previous--are those questions and critiques really a healthy endeavor?

perhaps the answer to those questions lies in the decision to not hate bazan for the same reason we loved him. as he declares in the previous song, he "followed his heart." will we turn away and not enter the deeper wrestling? will we only appreciate a certain depth and then walk away in fear because now there are eternal repercussions? ignorance and avoidance were never appealing characteristics of bazan's fans--no need to start now. you can disagree with him, but walking away from him and his music may only prove him right.

do we only accept doubt to a certain point? or can we admire and appreciate a true wrestling--one that a person will follow with courage no matter where it leads them? i think we must.

the album is a deep wrestling, and in that i think it is still at least something very close to prophetic. it may not be from God, but it is the cries of a wounded prophet turning his back and walking away--not too unlike some of the hebrew bible.

perhaps what it reminds me of more than anything else is a painting i saw in europe of jesus being taken down from the cross, very limp and lifeless and devoid of color. it showed a Christ defeated, destroyed by the cross. and the power of the painting was crushing, except for the realization that that painting wasn't the end of the story--and yet it told a vital aspect of it vividly. it almost dared you to find your own belief in the resurrection.


"in stiches"

bird song

no photoshop used.

Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

from adam

apology to steph for the birds

untitled poem

and so it was seen--
a crack in the black rock
that poured forth lined light,
a streak of hope to dash toward.


and then a sprout--
a few leaves on rusted sand,
months and miles evaporated
for a root somehow soaked.

but it was you pulling that plow--
and your pores the sprinkling spout,
sweating life into arid doubt;
you've been here before.


the greatest treasures lie underground--
you bring them to that slit,
passing through jewels for others to find
strolling along swept streets.

self/pity

is the title of a book of poetry i read for a class several years ago. can't say i was particularly drawn to the poetry, but the title, oh the title. there are so many things i like about it.

the other night i had a conversation with a friend i hadn't seen in awhile. we caught each other up on recent stories of life and dating. mostly dating. that's just the kind of friendship bond we have established. last fall we had semi-regular venting sessions as we sat in bluestem bistro. poor rachel, she often got the brunt of our bitter diatribes. though our therapeutic sessions were most likely and most often not without good reason, i can't say that they were the most healthy. though in his defense, he's had some pretty unreal things happen to him that are just beyond belief. you can hear about them in his forthcoming memoir. you think i'm kidding.

one question he expressed is one that has come to my mind many times over the last few years: why is it that some people had it so easy? this could be asked of many life situations, but in the present context it is about those people who just seemed to meet someone, date, and then get married. so simple. sure there were complications and questions and such, but never any real heartbreak. never any unrequited love. why did they get it so easy? sure their hard times will come, but they were still spared a lot. implicit in that question is the idea that i haven't had it so easy, that the road i've been given is much rougher. me and this friend of mine, and many others--we've taken our hits.

it makes me think of those old battles, like in the civil war and such. they just stood there in a line and who's to say which one of you will take a bullet? do the fallen look up from the ground, wondering why the man who was next to him is still standing? why the bullet strayed over to his spot and not another?

it's a self-pity thing really. which is such a powerful and destructive emotion. perhaps so because there is so often truth at its center--you have had a rough time. you have gotten the short end of the stick. the problem is that it only looks one way. it doesn't consider all those who've had it worse off than you. not that that would be all that much consolation to you though. it doesn't decrease your pain.

perhaps part of the problem is the lack of pity itself. to pity someone is seen as denigrating. but true pity is the affirmation of another's pain and misfortune. and it at least seems as if it can only be given by those who somehow have it better than you. for if they have it worse, then they don't pity you, they just resent or at best accept what you have. but they cannot pity you. that must come from someone willing to look outside themselves and down the other end of the stick. to not look up to those who have what you do not, who haven't experienced the suffering and pain you have and somehow have it better--but to look down at all those with worse hands from life's impartial dealing. how we'd rather delight in counting our own chips while figuring out how to get more of our own.

do people want pity though? no they would rather hold themselves in their own independence and simply secretly envy the others. pity done in love with understanding is not only acceptable i would say, but maybe even necessary. to see your pain affirmed and acknowledged--it is to take some of its burden and power away. but no, we are too proud for pity. pity is for the weak. or at least from others, so we turn to self-pity. the thoughts run deep and often they are hard to recognize for what they truly are, for we are so often comparing ourselves to others, comparing our lot with those around us.

i want to learn to fight those voices. to fight the excuses i create because so and so has happened to me or i've had it such and such way. to ask that question about others. to not let myself be dissatisfied with the way my life is because it is not filled with what many others have, because i have had such a painful road where others have been spared. when all the while the voices in my head is the spoiled brat that refuses to acknowledge the millions who have had it far worse, who have suffered far beyond anything i have experienced. or even also to ask the question if maybe perhaps they were better off because of it. or if i am somehow ever more enriched because of those trials and disappointments. the problem is, character-building experiences never seem to come close to comparing with those who have what you have been denied, who have been spared the pain you suffered.

i'm 26 tomorrow. i can't say that this is where i thought i would be at this point. i could never have imagined these last three years and how they unfolded, only to end up where i am now. it's hard to understand so much of it. it's hard not to see so much of the battle as all for nought. the losing side makes the greater sacrifice, giving up more men and not gaining the field. but then to see what i have gained. to think what still might await me and where i could be in another 3 years. self-pity teaches perpetuation, believing you are in some vicious cycle or that it's all tied to who you are and how that cannot change. and indeed it can become self-fulfilling.

but hope.

a yes, hope. you are greater than the envy and self-pity. and somehow you rise up from the ashes and are born once more. a weak frail youngling, you still somehow find your wings and jump out of that nest once again. will you fly this time? or fall once more? somehow it doesn't matter. because we are learning to fly. who knew it would take so many crashes? but still we leap. and we'll worry about the destination later.

edwin h. friedman

The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. If you want your child, spouse, client, or boss to shape up, stay connected while changing yourself rather than trying to fix them.

alli rogers

"come now my love"

availeth much

everyone thank you so much for your prayers! please tune in to fox 4 news tonight at 9 or 10 to see the coverage on marquita and her family that came from the letter of two posts ago. continue to pray that the coverage and help of the news team will bring justice to this situation. more when we know more.

zee avi

"just you and me"

to whom it may concern

please pray for marquita, our neighbor who came by tonight because she wanted our help to write this letter:

To whom it may concern,

“This is coming from a family that is paying rent on a house that is being put up for foreclosure, and this house has took a lot of money from the newborn and the eleven kids that live in the house. Our mom has been through a lot of stress thinking about what’s going to happen and we’ve been trying to get a hold of the landlord but he never returns our call. The father that’s in the house has been going out to sign a lot of applications for jobs, but it’s been hard to get a job.“

This letter is coming to you from an eleven-year-old who wants someone to hear her story. Her mom doesn’t know she’s writing this letter; she wants to surprise her. Her mom, who she lives with, is actually not her birth mother, but someone who has custody of her and has taken her into her home as her own daughter for five years now. She has opened her home to many children, who have had nowhere else to stay, and now she and her husband are in need of someone to care for them.

“Because of us paying so much money to the landlord, the newborn doesn’t really have that much.”

In fact, what she did have has been devastated. There is a hole in the roof of the baby’s room, which the landlord has not fixed and the window only has a screen on it. The whole in the roof rained on all the baby’s clothes and they were ruined, and people have broken in through the window and stolen what necessities the baby did have at the time; diapers, lotion, baby wash. They left a dent in the car that they jumped on to get to the window.

“God always said do good things and good things will come back to you.”

The police have put out a warrant on the landlord for not fixing the window, when they responded to the break in. Any maintenance on the house has ceased, since the landlord quit paying the man who used to work; so the holes in the roof go unfixed and the window stays mainly useless. As we sit here, we ask her what she would want if she could have anything; all she wanted was a hug. Or lots of money so she could take care of her family. She dreams of being a psychologist so she can help people with addictions. She wants to make the world a better place.
What does she dream of?

“Being rich to help a lot of people in the world, including the family that took me in for five years. “

So what do we dream of? Do we dream of making the world a better place and helping other people meet their dreams? I like to think that we have dreams too. That our dreams are bigger than white picket fences and fancy cars, and that this thing that we call the American dream runs deeper than the commercials and magazines tell us. I like to think that our dreams would be awakened by the heart of an eleven year old girl who wants nothing more than to help the mom who has taken her into her home.

“I really want to say thank you to whom it is concerned.”

Will you be concerned?

update

i learned something new recently, and i cannot help but pass on the information to keep you all from remaining in the dark. it may shatter your fragile illusion of the innocence of childhood and all that is sacred, or may just think that it makes sense. but apparently, the word on the street is that...

the ice cream trucks deliver drugs.

it's so sad i know. who would have thought? yes it would seem an effective form of transportation, but have we lost all respect for preserving the sanctity of an american pastime and childhood icon? apparently so. i'm sorry if i melted your innocence a little.

freedom

i've been watching the hbo miniseries "john adams" the last couple days. it's very well done--not quite as good as "the wire," but still interesting in its own way. i always find myself somewhat convicted when i watch patriotic historical movies/shows that depict the forming of america. i love the patriot, but find the same tension that i've experienced watching john adams. all these ideals, the formation of this "great nation," this "new world," the thing is--i believe it is so misguided.

i get a similar but much less intense feeling watching braveheart. it is my favorite movie, and i love the themes and devotion and story--and the scottish cause for freedom is a little greater than simply taxation without representation, so i'm more understanding. it was about throwing off oppressors--but our revolution and the french and russian and other enlightenment revolutions were much more focused around the idea of "rights." yes there was some oppression and suffering--but enough to justify so many violent deaths?

i'm fairly convinced that some of the worst problems with christianity and perhaps the world as well come from placing rights above love. i don't know that there is such a thing as an inalienable right. it is a selfish idea to think that anything we have is more than a gracious gift--whether you believe it to be from God or cosmic fate. we did not earn anything, and any rights we believe to possess--where do those supposedly come from?

consider also that often the greatest spiritual advancement comes when rights are abused and people suffer persecution. it is a forced surrender and sacrifice in which people turn to God. but then why don't we let our rights be taken away willingly? then maybe we would realize that we don't actually need them to live a decent life. indeed they only seem to get in the way so often. we just don't seem to be able to willingly and consistently inflict this upon ourselves. why would we? why get up early when you can sleep in? (to use an example of much less significance)

i realize i'm speaking all of this from a place of almost total freedom. these words would be very different coming from the midst of not having rights--like the ability to express these thoughts freely. but that still doesn't change my belief in this reality, i just maybe should be careful what i ask for.

but then look at it aside from the external. what are my internal enslavements? and aren't those a far greater danger than the external ones that cannot steal my heart and soul? i must seek freedom from these oppressions. and that freedom does not come from revolution--i don't think it can be that quick. maybe there are many ways to that freedom. i don't know. but i know that at least one way to finding true freedom is through the desert, not comfort. and we very quickly want to go back from that desert, especially when we feel the discomfort and have come this way somewhat of our own will. just hit the snooze again, or reset the alarm for later. but usually there is no turning back from the desert. and you know the way back is just a return to slavery. we must be freed from our enslavements.

and our enslavements are not taxes or rights and their abuses. real freedom is not just getting what you want to live less encumbered by externals. exterior freedom ≠ internal freedom. exterior control ≠ internal enslavement. though external order can yield internal freedom, as can exterior and internal suffering.

real liberty is being able to do the good i would like to do--to love like i would like to love.

how do i find that liberty? not, how can i try to change people's actions by laws and external controls. they will just fight for their own "rights." no, true and meaningful change only comes when people of themselves surrender their own rights for love of others--or when they are persecuted and they realize the rights were only a hindrance in the first place. is this too overstated?

though perhaps too often the problem is not that we are fighting for the wrong things, but that we in truth aren't really doing any meaningful battles at all. what are you fighting for in your life? what is its ultimate value? indeed freedom is a value that i believe is so vital--it inspires me so much. it is a deep american value. though perhaps we fight for the wrong kind of freedom. and, believing we have achieved that freedom, we celebrate it and sit back with a beer and watch fireworks rather than realizing that maybe we are far more enslaved than we know. or even if we know or have an idea of it, why do we not fight with the same passion of our revolutionary forbearers? because ours is such a comfortable slavery, like falling asleep for a few more hours--only to find the day gone and yourself unable to rise much at all.


__it's interesting how i'm getting a lot of my major recent spiritual insights from television shows. the redemption of all things people__

it's friday

sitting at home alone on a friday night, i ponder my evening. somehow, even living with 8 people everyone has found somewhere else to go or be. that's ok, i'm no social butterfly--i am perfectly fine with a chill and solitary friday night. still though, i wonder, where are all my other friends? oh right, they're married.

no matter. i have the blogging world. yes, you my friends. i can be with you now and you'll be with me (or at least my thoughts) come some future date and time. let's spend the evening together. that is if you can be so kind as to not judge me as incredibly lame and pathetic. don't worry folks, i'm here for your reading pleasure--this all will have a purpose. so i'll just carry the computer around with me for a bit and see what happens.

of course that would involve going somewhere. well it's kind of late, maybe i'll get some dinner. taco salaad. leftover. and i'm sitting alone at a table for 10. the sound of my own chewing is way too loud, let's put on some music. how about the fun. album? it sounds a little like the format, but different enough to be a new band for sure. not quite as good.

all done. i'm going to clean up and then maybe write a couple emails. oh shoot but in the kitchen i thought about dessert. i'll save ice cream for later and just have some fruit snacks for now. you all remember how much i love fruit snacks. is it bad that i want a ginger ale and rum? is it bad that i already had a rum and coke? what is it they say about drinking alone? the red ones are the best, by the way. they're usually dinos, not sharks.

i'm a back to having nothing to do. maybe i'll check the royals score. ouch--7-1. poor royals. i walk back to my room. i've had this seabird song stuck in my head, though they didn't play it at the concert last week. it's quite singable. i sing it walking around the church a lot. the acoustics in here are actually pretty good, depending on the room.

ok, 8:45. what now? and this is boring. i'm going to go watch a movie.



if you're thinking all that was pointless, well, in part you are correct. and if you've come to that realization you can now go shut down your own twitter account. if you don't have one, kudos. and i won't subject you to this sort of semi-humorous banality again. goodnight all.

commerical

so a friend of mine has posted this before, but it was awhile ago and i was just recently showing it to some people. it's too funny and worth another watch--or definitely a first if you haven't seen it.

david bazan

"curse your branches"