the entryway to my house is made up of a marble flooring, variously shaped pieces held together by a black grout. as a kid, wearing my chiefs sweatpants i used to slide on my knees across this floor, making diving catches of my white and red rubber chiefs football. i also used to throw a bouncy ball off this floor and let it bounce high around all the walls, hoping to avoid hitting the hanging glass light. that didn't last very long, mostly because of the many marks on the white walls. such a small, inconsequential room--only a hallway really. yet it holds so much.
i was standing just outside that room a moment ago, staring at the floor and trying to remember something. and then i saw the shapes. it's been a long time since i looked at that floor closely. and i suddenly remembered how i used to really look at it. why you may ask? no i wasn't a distant child, entertained by balls of twine and rubber bands. there are really interesting shapes, mostly because a lot of them look like the shapes of the states. i used to make it a game how many of the fifty states i could find. i don't remember how many i came up with ultimately. but right in the center of the room dead on is nebraska right underneath minnesota. not geographically accurate i know, but that's not the point. it looks just like them. i'm not making shapes in the clouds here.
i walk over that floor all the time. maybe you've walked over it even. have you ever noticed nebraska and minnesota? i haven't in at least 10 years i'm sure. and it just got me thinking about the things you notice as a kid, forced to find some sort of interest because the conversations and entertaining distractions do not hold their power over you for very long. i've never been a very observant person, even as a kid probably. but in those little shapes i see the playfulness and attention that fades so quickly when we have so much to do.
so now i'm reminded, and at least for a few days, maybe even a few hours i'll be thinking about what else i should be noticing.
shaving is somewhat of a curse to the race of men. sure sure women too--but jobs don't make you shave every day! (of course mine doesn't make me shave at all) that's beside the point. the point is, shaving every day gets really old. so i don't. thankfully i can do that. others do not have that luxury.
however, it is one of the natural courses of things that when a man gets sick he stops shaving. perhaps because he doesn't have to--that's part of it. but also to let everyone know, hey, something is not right here. that's right, the sick beard. loud and clear--"hey everyone, i'm sick." it communicates that not only am i sick, but i'm a man, and i am wounded. i am fragile--that's why i have this manly beard now. i'm too sick to shave.
so, as you might imagine--i now look something like this:
i do actually have a sick beard, though it's a bad time for a beard and i am feeling better. perhaps i'll shave soon, even though i have made it well past the itchy stage and that is half the battle.
in other news about this time last year i was driving across the country and back, both ways. i believe gas is about twice as expensive now as it was then. who has good timing? yeah that's what i thought.
"Christ never promises peace in the sense of no more struggle and suffering. Instead, he helps us to struggle and suffer as he did, in love, for one another. Christ does not give us security in the sense of something in this world, some cause, some principle, some value, which is forever. Instead, he tells us that there is nothing in this world that is forever, all flesh is grass. He does not promise us unlonely lives. His own life speaks loud of how, in a world where there is little love, love is always lonely. Instead of all these, the answer that he gives, I think, is himself. If we go to him for anything else, he may send us away empty or he may not. But if we go to him for himself, I believe that we go away always with this deepest of all our hungers filled."
good-/bad~: - the hole in my back/butt that was about 2 inches deep is now about 1 inch deep ~ i have a 1 inch hole by my tailbone - i can kind of sit down for awhile, especially on hard surfaces and if i lean forward ~ i have a nasty form of strep throat now--hurts every time i swallow, fevers, ears ache (this is getting kind of ridiculous) - my open wound no longer has to be unpacked and packed every day (that was painful) ~ i have to clean and dress my wound with gauze multiple times a day - i'm off that really stupid high maintenance antibiotic that also made me feel sick ~ i'm on a new antibiotic for my throat, and the pills are the size of a fun-size snickers...ok not quite, but my throat is the problem--not a good combination! - i can kind of drive now--not my car though, it's a stick ~ i'm stuck at home most of the day, and i'm almost running out of books to read (they're all in manhattan) - i've gotten a lot of reading done ~ i miss people. i miss manhattan. i've missed the whole end of the year there :( - i've also seen some good movies, one of which--darjeeling limited, love it!
ok i promise i'll have a post not about all this crap sometime soon--or maybe something i've learned from all of it. still waiting on that learning something from all this part. or you know, why all this is coming down so hard. but hey, if you're in kc and want to come sit with me, watch a movie, read, say hello, whatever. that'd be awesome.
so i had a cyst pulled out of my back today. it was about the most painful experience of my life. it feels like i have a hole where my tailbone used to be. i of course still can't sit down. i hobble around when i manage to get up. i'm on a lot of vicatin. and i thought i felt old before. well, if you're in kc, drop me a visit--i'll just be laying around. oh, and i'll probably be out of commission on here for a bit too. tomorrow morning=very painful follow-up procedure. woo-hoo. peace my friends.
those of you still able to sit down, consider yourself lucky.
those of you who haven't had a fever the past 2 weeks, consider yourself lucky.
those of you who haven't experienced violent bodily rejections in the past 2 weeks, consider yourself lucky.
those of you who can still withstand direct sunlight, consider yourself lucky.
those of you who are not sick, consider yourself lucky.
yes i am ranting. i'm so tired of being sick. and being sick only being able to sit with great posture or lay on your stomach. save your pity. save your health. and lean back in a nice rocking chair for me. (don't ask)
ps is anyone else considering using native indic script for their blog? you blogspotters will know what i'm talking about.