how life can turn

it's that time of year here in manhattan. things are wrapping up. people are pushing through the final barrage of tests and papers and projects to reach the point of relief--no more school for the summer or for good. some are facing graduation, and the next step in their life. it's an interesting thing to observe again (this being my sixth spring here), especially being removed from all of that school stuff now. from my perspective it seems as if it all is a little blown out of proportion. of course, it's easier to say that being free from those old burdens. looking back they don't seem so heavy. why do we let them hold us down?

although this year is a little different for me. when i went through the whole graduating fiasco, i knew i wasn't leaving manhattan. it had a different feel for me. it wasn't quite so exhaustive. the change of being out of school didn't have to go with a change of location. but now that i am moving on, i don't have the accompaniment of the end of school. i don't have the sense of completion like when you finish your last final. i do feel like my time here is complete. yet it is not culminating in some sort of harrowing finish. no. it is just sort of drifting away, edging closer to the moment when i will move and be gone from this place i have called home for 6 years. 6 years. that's quite a chunk of my life. how do i find closer on this season?

i went to a concert tonight. and in an odd way it actually led me in that direction a step or two. i saw the appleseed cast at the kathouse. i also saw them there nearly 2 years ago, right at the start of my two years out of school here in manhattan. it was an odd symmetry, bookending this season with a random concert. some of the same people surrounded me at the show. others who were there the first time are off in places distant from my life.

i got there a little early this evening. so i had a drink and watched the royals game. in the midst of that and after i had a lot of time to think. maybe it was the drink but i was feeling a little melancholy. it's been an interesting 2 years to say the least. i walk away from it now not quite sure what i've given and what i've gained. i sense more what i've lost and what has changed.

manhattan has had an odd sort of comfort about it. there is much more that i would want out of life than what i've had here. but at the same time i felt very content in the simple comforts and undemanding lifestyle. and yet i sense that i've somehow come to a point where i no longer see and realize all the things that are lacking. i see some of them still--but others i have become so used to living without that i just grew accustomed to the lack. i can't put my finger on all of what those things are. i could name some of them. others i feel i have even forgot what was once a need or blessing regular in my life. hopefully some of those things will be reclaimed.

still, i have gained much in my time here--mostly in new relationships. some other things too. God had me here for this time for a purpose i'm sure. i feel it cost a lot--more than i know in some ways. it gave back too. and i know i will see those things even more as i move away from it.

anyway. i'm not sure any of that is at all interesting for anyone else to read, but whatever. i guess to sum it up it was a thoughtful/feelingful night and i tried to express that somewhat--though admittedly not very well. so hopefully better next time. stay tuned dear readers. more on the flip side.