i'm (not) neutral

it's a funny name for a blog if you don't know the back story. i went to switzerland for a semester, a notoriously neutral country, and started this blog to chronicle my travels there. i appreciated the irony, as a blog is usually a place for anything but neutrality. i suppose it is that irony that has allowed me to keep the name, though i have thought often about changing it. somehow it still just seems to fit.

i'm not a very decisive person usually. i'm wondering if that is truly the case, or if i just give way to others more often because that is the general condition of a youngest child. you rarely get your way, so it doesn't do much good to fight for it. there are other methods to get your way of course, and the baby of the family is certainly a master of these techniques most often to the resentment of the older siblings. of course with your parents there is also the benefit of them having just been so exhausted by the first few children that they are too tired to try so hard with you. there just isn't as much need to fight.

i am talking about decisions. i thought an INFJ was supposed to be good at making decisions. it's that J part. i am generally pretty laid back, but if it's something i feel strongly about i'll be as stubborn as they come. a J is supposed to generally understand their feelings a bit more as well. i suppose that's why it is even harder when there is confusion.

when i decided to come to k-state i didn't give it a ton of thought. after a semester here i thought i had made a mistake, chosen the wrong place, hadn't listened to God in it. i think i was wrong about that--i am so glad i ended up here in manhattan. but in the midst of wrestling with feeling like i had made that mistake God didn't tell me that i had made the wrong decision. he told me that it wasn't my job to try to fix it by transferring, but rather that he had made it right. thank God for the goodness of God.

still though, i wonder what life would have been like if i had gone somewhere else. and i think that even as i am extremely please with how it went. what if i wasn't so satisfied with the course i took? and i didn't even understand the weight of that decision at the time--how could i? is it easier to not know how critically important the decision ahead is? sometimes it seems like it.

is it possible to take a direction at a fork in the road and not wonder where the other path may have led? but you can't just stand at the fork. neutrality is cowardice. but that of course is the point--it's meant to be ironic. i will not be neutral.

how do you just make one of the hardest decisions in your life?