what am i made of?

i'm 25. yes folks, that's kind of old. i suppose not in the grand scheme of things, but then today i found out that tyler thigpen is 24 (he's the chief's quarterback). i was also recently reading an article in sojourners magazine about all these 20-somethings who are doing some of the coolest stuff. i would list a few but the magazine is out in my car and it's cold and dark out there. see, what am i going to accomplish? i won't even go out to my car for this.

a friend of mine recently told me that he felt like God was asking him, "what are you made of?" and thinking about it i'm glad God was asking him and not me. because i don't know about me. i don't know what i'm made of. i think about how i have handled some of the hard times in my life, or about all the things that i continually fail to accomplish every day. there's a nice list on my desk that's been there way too long.

i don't want my life to be about crossing off lists. sometimes i'm ok with not knowing really where my life is headed, who i'll be headed there with, or what i'll be doing along the way. sometimes. but then other times i feel like i'm getting a little too old for that. or that no one really wants to attach themselves to a wanderer. well, maybe that's too strong of a word--but that security thing, people like that i am told.

i feel like a lot of life is about watching the pieces of it fall away one way or another. and even if we were to try to pick back up the ones we could, the sum of those parts cannot equal the whole from before. we can hold on to some of those parts a little better than we often do--but we also must be free to look for the new things that can recreate our lives constantly. i think that's where i have trouble, letting my life become something new. but i'm getting better. maybe. i think...

maybe i need to think outside the fox. yes, the fox--that crafty little devil. like there being something new and grand far beyond anything i have around me now--that life is waiting to unfold in some far off distant land with great adventure and new opportunities. but i feel like i don't have the energy for that, for starting all over. but if that's what i'm supposed to do...

at the moment it's not. and thinking that or reaching for that is an attempt to reclaim a life that is being crucified, a life that is being taken from me, a life i am trying to lose. i guess at this point that includes future direction, plans, and some companionship. i am thankful for who and what i do have now though--especially my wonderful friends.

so one moment at a time, another look at the list and a sigh knowing that's not what my life is about. it's about following God in faith. and faith and sight aren't always the best of friends.

and it's about these questions from nouwen lately:

"Can my hope in God grow deeper and stronger even when my many wishes remain unfulfilled?"

"Do I fully trust that with God at my side, I will find my true home?"