intimacy

i think there's a great deal of significance in the moments just before we fall asleep. lying in your bed, preparing yourself finally to receive sleep, what goes on in your mind? it is one of the few absolutely settled moments in our lives. there is nothing else to do ahead, just sleep--which of course is extremely elusive to direct seeking. i think these moments say a lot about our lives.

are you already looking ahead to the next day, working over what will need to be done? then perhaps the present is not rich enough, though some might just find that prudent. i've heard of someone who takes 20 minutes every night to reflect on every moment in the day and another 20 to plan how to improve his mistakes. do you do something like this? then perhaps you are trying to hard to be perfect, though some might find that admirable. are you so tired that by the time you fall in bed you are already asleep? then perhaps you are far too busy, though some might just think it is efficient. we could just keep going...

maybe it's wrong to make judgments upon the way we spend this time. maybe not.

is it going to far to say that these moments reflect what is most important to us in life at the time? in the silence our heart naturally draws toward speaking what we have such a hard time hearing all the rest of the time. unless we count sheep or listen to music or any other way to just pass this time. i used to fall asleep to music, but these moments are far too precious to pass over.

this used to be somewhat of a darker time for me. my mind would gravitate toward selfish desires, things i wanted, people i was mad at, things like that. that was when there was a lot missing in my heart, and a lot of other things came in to try and fill it--things like anger and lust, which comes from a deep dissatisfaction with life says Rob Bell. i think these moments really did reveal where my heart was.

in the past i've sought to recapture this time, as my heart. i tried to go to sleep praying every night--which i think puts you to sleep faster than counting sheep! no not really. i still do this often, but far less intentionally. if we're too intentional then we don't allow ourselves to listen to what our hearts are really saying.

disclaimer: this post in not g-rated.

random thought: do these moments change when you get married? since you're sleeping with someone else now? hmmm...

actually that relates to something. lately the same thought is coming to me as i go to fall asleep, or feeling rather. maybe it's because i'm getting older, and maybe because of a lot of other things too, but this time is becoming one that increasingly lonely. i don't want to go to bed alone anymore. i'm not talking about sex. but there is something in sleeping next to someone, sleeping with them. sharing in those mystical hours joins you in some way, some way that cannot be expressed in words. your dreams finally have a partner to their crazy dance. the bars fall back on our ribcages, though we're too asleep to feel it. and by the time we wake up our chests are solid, and we are unaware. even more unaware the longer this goes on.

too romantic? perhaps. i mean, really what do i know about this experience? i know that when we were kids we had to be trained to sleep alone, looking for every excuse to go in with our parents. this is of course right and good, necessary. but we were not meant to sleep alone.

i often think about how in ancient hebrew culture they got married at 13 and 14, which seems ridiculously young to us. we've doubled that and wonder why people cannot wait till marriage to have sex. it's not passion, it's longing for intimacy. and i'm sure some of it's cultural. but doesn't it somehow make sense that sex would line up with puberty? as weird and taboo as that may sound.

so i go to sleep these days, most nights thinking about the empty spot next to me. and my heart is truly speaking.

i was going to just end it there but that is far too sad. maybe my next post will be all about joy, and all the great things i have in my life. not just to put a positive spin on this all or anything like that. but because this is a subject related much about the future, and joy comes from what God has already done in our lives--and that is much. i wonder if those things could come to mind before i fall asleep. i'm sure they could. but for now, this is where i'm at. and this is my post. is it too personal?

what's in your mind and heart as you fall asleep?