taking an active poll: what should luke do next with his life?
A. Another year in Manhattan with Ichthus--year 2, exponential?
B. Move to Kansas City--job? but there are my best of friends, and the new chicago...
C. Live in a monastery (L'Abri? Taize? Other...)
D. Missions in Alaska--amazing, raise support again? for something entirely different, hmm
E. Live in a cabin and write books--oh shoot, what about food...
F. Teach English in St. Petersburg Russia--a bit chilly...and maybe a bit lonely...
G. Fill in the blank________--other ideas? and no, professional wedding goer is not an option.
There's part of me that dreads this process coming up once again. It's the anxiety of graduation all over again. But then would it be better to be locked into something and secure? Actually, maybe. But security does not become me these days.
I watched Hook tonight, got a little teared up like always. That movie, let me tell you. To live will be an awfully big adventure. There's something in there that strikes me. It's the tension of living that adventurous exploration and the adventure of life. Peter Pan, the never grow up kid, did. Why? Cause he wanted to be a dad. He wanted a family. Happiness is only real when shared.
I'm sure I'll make friends wherever I go, but part of me is weary of starting over again and again with people. A man can only have so many true friends. But I don't want to stay just because of that. And really, isn't so much of it about the one? wherever might she be? But maybe I just need the One. That's what a monastery would be all about. Maybe half that? Some time there but not a full year?
I do know that I have to fight not to be dissatisfied with my life. Probably because of the dissatisfaction with myself, which will probably go to any of those places I go--even Alaska, couldn't hide from me there. If you haven't yet, see Into the Wild. The question I have is, if I live radically enough for God, will that be the answer?
Don't worry, it's just the courage of despair. "They attack as a morbid longing for negativity what in reality is courageous acceptance of the negative. They call decay what is actually the creative expression of decay. They reject as meaninglessness the meaningful attempt to reveal the meaninglessness of our situation." Don't do it. "[You] should decide for truth against safety, even if the safety is consecrated and supported by the churches." (Tillich, The Courage to Be)
What do you want? In some ways, I have no idea. And at the same time, I know so much of what I want. And I pray to God the truth is in that.
Jesus I'm a sucker, I wish I believed less of the lies
that everything I thought I knew, would turn out to be true.