fragmenation

(i've been in kind of hyper-blog mode recently. i guess i just have a lot to say at the moment, writing has been a good thing. but i apologize to any casual readers out there who haven't been able to keep up.)

i've been reading kierkegaard's Purity of Heart recently, as you might have guessed from my last post. it has been really incredible, like pretty much all of his that i read. but it has also been somewhat frustrating--even more frustrating than his more difficult books where i understand about 1/3 of it if i'm lucky. the full title of the book (or rather section of a much larger work) is "Purity of Heart is to Will One Thing." and over half the book is about the different forms of double-mindedness and ways that we will many things and therefore are not truly pure in heart.

you see i've been feeling really fragmented lately. feeling like there are parts of me kind of all over the place, in every direction. it's mostly inward, which is quite a change from my general little plan outward what am i going to do with my life next mentality. i think i know where i am, am glad to be here, and excited about what is next--i think i will probably end up doing this ministry apprenticeship program thing that is sort of like seminary. it starts in january and i'll still be doing ichthus here in manhattan. not finalized yet, but it looks like it's going to happen. i kind of know where my life is going at the moment.

yet at the same time a part of me feels very lost. i feel good vocationally, but fairly lost relationally. part of me wonders where a lot of my friends are, but part of me just wants to be by myself right now and i feel alienated in groups of people. part of me feels depressed and lost, and part of me feels hopeful and patient. spiritually part of me feels angry and frustrated, and part of me feels excited about some other things that are happening with ichthus. sadly, i could go on for awhile with things like this.

how can i will one thing when there is so much that i seem to be wrestling with? it's not just an over-arching wanting to follow God, it's a deeply integrated singularity of purpose and direction that leads to purity. and i am all over the place and so far from being there.

some of that is just adolescence, right? that's part of growing up--yes i'm still there at 25. some of that is just where i'm at right now personally, right? i'm just in a tough place. some of those conflicts are still kind of external, right? you're bound to have differences of opinions within yourself regarding other things. "double-mindedness!" kierkegaard would cry! that's the clever man making excuses.

but the fact is i am not there. not even close. i can't even seem to manage to focus on any one thing for very long at this point in time. i'm in a season of brokenness, and that is going to create some fragments. if my heart is not whole, how can it be pure? how can it be put back together? how can life spring anew? i don't even know what i would hope for at this point. i am of two minds there too, or i guess maybe a few altogether.

where will i find myself? what will happen? what am i left with? i don't want to be fragmented. i don't want to wander anymore. i'm tired of feeling like it's not enough. and i don't even know how to go forward in finding healing. all i feel like i can do is just lay down. my will is weak. my commitment feels spurned. the longer i lay here...

and then the quote from the last post comes back to me. and i think i can take just that one step. maybe soon. i hope so. of course then i have to figure out what that step is... damn it.