a few days ago i wrote this in my journal, "heart is the fusion of feeling and wisdom by the Spirit." i had been wondering how it is that we "take heart," and how to live from my heart. i've been seeing that this is perhaps where the problem lies. without wisdom my heart is so weak and self-seeking.

lately i've also been realizing just how much of a damn fool i really am. "although they claimed to be wise, they became fools." i've never really claimed myself as wise--though people have said that to me and it's come up on spiritual gifts tests--ha. no but i always thought it would be good to be wise, something to seek after. instead i have built up knowledge--read many books seeking greater truth. i don't know how wisdom and truth interplay to be honest.

i heard somewhere once that wisdom isn't having the answers and knowing what to say, but rather knowing when not to say something. i have always found that profound--probably because i have no ability whatsoever to do that. perhaps this post is an example of that. i think, "truth! truth! the truth must be known. it is always better to be open and express what you're feeling or offer the thoughts you have." what seems like wisdom is only foolishness. insecurities masquerading as sincerity.

perhaps wisdom is only truly gained with age and experience. but our society says nope, you've got your college degree, you are ready to go out into the real world and now you've been educated and prepared. you can make decisions. you can begin to really lead your own life, truly independent. you have to be wise now--that or fall back on all the money you start making all of the sudden with nothing to spend it on, except maybe college loans. it would be nice if we didn't have to pretend to be so grown up and wise and that we have come through our years of education equipped and confident.

but we don't seriously look to education for wisdom really. rather how about the Bible, "do not deceive yourselves. if any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a 'fool' so that he may become wise" (i cor. 3:18). yeah. let's be "fools for Christ." there's probably a cheesy christian song to pump me up for it (there is). whatever that means. paul meant it as enduring suffering and ridicule. and don't believe that "christians being mocked in the media" or "friends thinking i'm different" is any sort of persecution. read a few proverbs a day, maybe that will get us there.

wisdom is more than cerebral. it is more than our idea of a stoic old greek man. it is deeply connected to our heart and i think especially to our non-instinctual emotions--hope, love, faith. whoa how did faith get in there--is that an emotion? all of our classifying, talk about foolishness.

wisdom is also not about knowing things to make life better or easier. i have a suspision that true wisdom is much harder than being without it. we think of wisdom as a tool to guide us through life, but no, "the heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure" (ecc. 7:4).

man that really makes me want to seek after wisdom. unfortunately these are the verses that are resonating with me now:

Then I turned my thoughts to consider wisdom,
and also madness and folly.
What more can the king's successor do
than what has already been done?
I saw that wisdom is better than folly,
just as light is better than darkness.
The wise man has eyes in his head,
while the fool walks in the darkness;
but I came to realize
that the same fate overtakes them both.
Then I thought in my heart,
"The fate of the fool will overtake me also.
What then do I gain by being wise?"
I said in my heart,
"This too is meaningless."
Ecclesiastes 2:12-15

what good does wisdom do? helping a few others on the path? making you money so that you can buy things that will leave you empty. what we all want and need is to love and be loved, and wisdom will not gain you with either one of those.

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