pretext

i read this on a blog recently:

"Bitterness is its own prison.

The sides are slippery with resentment. A floor of muddy anger stills the feet. The stench of betrayal fills the air and stings the eyes. A cloud of self-pity blocks the view of the tiny exit above.

step in and look at the prisoners. victims are chained to the walls. Victims of betrayal. Victims of abuse.

The dungeon, deep and dark, is beckoning you to enter... You can, you know. You've experienced enough hurt...

You can choose, like many, to chain yourself to your hurt... Or you can choose, like some, to put away your hurts before they become hates...

How does God deal with your bitter heart? He reminds you that what you have is more important than what you don't have. You still have your relationship with God. No one else can take that."

- Max Lucado, "He Still Moves Stones"


it really spoke to me. i wanted to write a post about bitterness, because it is something i have really been wrestling with this past week or so. aside from it being maybe too personal (when has that stopped me on this blog?), i didn't write it because i didn't want to walk through it yet. i wanted to stay in that prison. it's an odd thing about bitterness--you know how bad it is for you yet there is something very strangely appealing about it. it is really consuming too.

i wish i would have put away some of my hurts earlier. creating more wounds doesn't help anything. and really looking at your bitterness head on reveals it for the ruse that it is. it usually has a bit of truth in there, but you expand it and cast it into broad generalizations that really aren't reasonable. you know this, but that doesn't change your feeling.

bitterness is just stagnant anger, stemming from hurt. yeah there's the resentment, betrayal, and self-pity too--but i feel like it really is a place you walk into. it is something of a choice often. other times you stumble in. but i don't think you can walk out on your own. you must be carried. pulled out by those who care about you. dragged by the love of others, but mostly the perfect love of Christ. and in the open air, outside of the stagnant prison, you see more clearly.

i am seeing more clearly. i am seeing my own faults and failures. i am seeing with grace again. i am seeing with my true heart once again--the one that is hidden with Christ in love. i do wish i would have put away some of my hurts earlier. but sometimes it just takes that time, and all that comes with that unfortunately.

really what all this comes down to is love, of which i am learning a lot and writing a long post in my head about. so really this is just the setup for that. try to hold your anticipation, because i know the wait will be killing you...