freedom

i've been watching the hbo miniseries "john adams" the last couple days. it's very well done--not quite as good as "the wire," but still interesting in its own way. i always find myself somewhat convicted when i watch patriotic historical movies/shows that depict the forming of america. i love the patriot, but find the same tension that i've experienced watching john adams. all these ideals, the formation of this "great nation," this "new world," the thing is--i believe it is so misguided.

i get a similar but much less intense feeling watching braveheart. it is my favorite movie, and i love the themes and devotion and story--and the scottish cause for freedom is a little greater than simply taxation without representation, so i'm more understanding. it was about throwing off oppressors--but our revolution and the french and russian and other enlightenment revolutions were much more focused around the idea of "rights." yes there was some oppression and suffering--but enough to justify so many violent deaths?

i'm fairly convinced that some of the worst problems with christianity and perhaps the world as well come from placing rights above love. i don't know that there is such a thing as an inalienable right. it is a selfish idea to think that anything we have is more than a gracious gift--whether you believe it to be from God or cosmic fate. we did not earn anything, and any rights we believe to possess--where do those supposedly come from?

consider also that often the greatest spiritual advancement comes when rights are abused and people suffer persecution. it is a forced surrender and sacrifice in which people turn to God. but then why don't we let our rights be taken away willingly? then maybe we would realize that we don't actually need them to live a decent life. indeed they only seem to get in the way so often. we just don't seem to be able to willingly and consistently inflict this upon ourselves. why would we? why get up early when you can sleep in? (to use an example of much less significance)

i realize i'm speaking all of this from a place of almost total freedom. these words would be very different coming from the midst of not having rights--like the ability to express these thoughts freely. but that still doesn't change my belief in this reality, i just maybe should be careful what i ask for.

but then look at it aside from the external. what are my internal enslavements? and aren't those a far greater danger than the external ones that cannot steal my heart and soul? i must seek freedom from these oppressions. and that freedom does not come from revolution--i don't think it can be that quick. maybe there are many ways to that freedom. i don't know. but i know that at least one way to finding true freedom is through the desert, not comfort. and we very quickly want to go back from that desert, especially when we feel the discomfort and have come this way somewhat of our own will. just hit the snooze again, or reset the alarm for later. but usually there is no turning back from the desert. and you know the way back is just a return to slavery. we must be freed from our enslavements.

and our enslavements are not taxes or rights and their abuses. real freedom is not just getting what you want to live less encumbered by externals. exterior freedom ≠ internal freedom. exterior control ≠ internal enslavement. though external order can yield internal freedom, as can exterior and internal suffering.

real liberty is being able to do the good i would like to do--to love like i would like to love.

how do i find that liberty? not, how can i try to change people's actions by laws and external controls. they will just fight for their own "rights." no, true and meaningful change only comes when people of themselves surrender their own rights for love of others--or when they are persecuted and they realize the rights were only a hindrance in the first place. is this too overstated?

though perhaps too often the problem is not that we are fighting for the wrong things, but that we in truth aren't really doing any meaningful battles at all. what are you fighting for in your life? what is its ultimate value? indeed freedom is a value that i believe is so vital--it inspires me so much. it is a deep american value. though perhaps we fight for the wrong kind of freedom. and, believing we have achieved that freedom, we celebrate it and sit back with a beer and watch fireworks rather than realizing that maybe we are far more enslaved than we know. or even if we know or have an idea of it, why do we not fight with the same passion of our revolutionary forbearers? because ours is such a comfortable slavery, like falling asleep for a few more hours--only to find the day gone and yourself unable to rise much at all.


__it's interesting how i'm getting a lot of my major recent spiritual insights from television shows. the redemption of all things people__

it's friday

sitting at home alone on a friday night, i ponder my evening. somehow, even living with 8 people everyone has found somewhere else to go or be. that's ok, i'm no social butterfly--i am perfectly fine with a chill and solitary friday night. still though, i wonder, where are all my other friends? oh right, they're married.

no matter. i have the blogging world. yes, you my friends. i can be with you now and you'll be with me (or at least my thoughts) come some future date and time. let's spend the evening together. that is if you can be so kind as to not judge me as incredibly lame and pathetic. don't worry folks, i'm here for your reading pleasure--this all will have a purpose. so i'll just carry the computer around with me for a bit and see what happens.

of course that would involve going somewhere. well it's kind of late, maybe i'll get some dinner. taco salaad. leftover. and i'm sitting alone at a table for 10. the sound of my own chewing is way too loud, let's put on some music. how about the fun. album? it sounds a little like the format, but different enough to be a new band for sure. not quite as good.

all done. i'm going to clean up and then maybe write a couple emails. oh shoot but in the kitchen i thought about dessert. i'll save ice cream for later and just have some fruit snacks for now. you all remember how much i love fruit snacks. is it bad that i want a ginger ale and rum? is it bad that i already had a rum and coke? what is it they say about drinking alone? the red ones are the best, by the way. they're usually dinos, not sharks.

i'm a back to having nothing to do. maybe i'll check the royals score. ouch--7-1. poor royals. i walk back to my room. i've had this seabird song stuck in my head, though they didn't play it at the concert last week. it's quite singable. i sing it walking around the church a lot. the acoustics in here are actually pretty good, depending on the room.

ok, 8:45. what now? and this is boring. i'm going to go watch a movie.



if you're thinking all that was pointless, well, in part you are correct. and if you've come to that realization you can now go shut down your own twitter account. if you don't have one, kudos. and i won't subject you to this sort of semi-humorous banality again. goodnight all.

commerical

so a friend of mine has posted this before, but it was awhile ago and i was just recently showing it to some people. it's too funny and worth another watch--or definitely a first if you haven't seen it.

david bazan

"curse your branches"

of trees 2

guest blogging

well folks, i've never done this before but i've had a request for a guest blog appearance. this either means one of two things--that my blog is super cool and other people want to appear on it, or that this person's blog is so lame that no one reads it anymore but he wants people to read this. i'll let you decide. so here you go, a blog from the graham ripple:


Humbly Confident & Confidently Humble

[Walking home on down Mass St. Friday night I exclaimed that our evening was so eventful that it almost made me want to reinstitute my blog. I quickly retracted my statement but somehow convinced Luke to allow me to be a guest blogger on his. Thanks Luke! I'll try to make it utterly amazingness!]


A little known fact about Luke Healy: he's a music hipster. He may not seem the type, but he always seems to be ahead of the curve of what's coming & what's good. A text last week prompted me to join him Friday night at the Jackpot Saloon in Lawrence to see Seabird, Meese & Barcelona. Luke was there to catch Seabird; I was there because I love the Jackpot & always enjoy an evening with Luke.


Seabird was amazing. Great stage presence. Solid music. I am even listening to their album as I type (Ok, I am intermittently listening to Seabird and TLC's Waterfalls... I rediscovered it on my iTunes yesterday and currently find it somewhat irresistible).

Barcelona was also legit. Between them singing happy birthday to a fan & scratching their set list to have the audience vote between songs, I was sold. It also helps that they were really talented musicians.


Meese was also good. Talented musicians. Pretty good songs. A young band but with potential. Tragically though, even during the warm-up, it was apparent that in the most unfortunate of ways the lead singer was trying way too hard.

An elaborate mic-check that involved "clicking" was the first tip-off During their first song, I turned to Luke and commented: "Dude, he's trying too hard." He laughed & then it just kept coming: introducing himself & his brother (Meese brothers) and then introducing the band (Meese) while not introducing the other band members... Multiple self-referential comments about his height... An elaborate description of a leg kick that he normally does while playing the piano sitting down, but since he was standing up... Name dropping their last tour (they opened for the Fray, FYI)... handing us Meese magnets & stickers as we left...

After about song 3, we were ready to hit up the patio and wait for Barcelona. A couple minutes later, Luke and I overheard this girl going on and on about this "D-bag" and then starts referencing all the things I had noticed: the mic-check... the height comments... the name dropping...

Yep. Definitely referring to the same singer from Meese. Being the non-shy guy I am, I quickly joined their conversation to share my pretentious observations.


What I found so fascinating about the experience was the reason I was repealed by Meese' posture was because it was utterly unnecessary. They had no reason to try too hard; they had already proved that they are a legit band: they've signed a record deal, their first album was out last month & now they're on, at minimum, their 2nd tour. And frankly, their last tour was with a really well known band. Their apparent lack of self-confidence made me want to dismiss their success as a fluke or just luck, though really, I think it is neither. In truth, I think they are a good band with a solid sound and lots of potential.


On Sunday evening, a friend reminded me that last summer I referred to her as "humbly confident and confidently humble." We talked about that statement for a little bit and how deeply wrapped up it is with identity: humble confidence & being confidently humble is possible only as you know who you are. As soon as you know who you are, you no longer have to try being that person, you just are. Or, in other words, there is no reason to represent yourself as something, you just get on with the business of being someone. As we talked, I, of course, was reminded of the lead singer of Meese and what I perceived as his trying to hard. Possibly that is just this guy's stage presence & I misunderstood. But more than anything, I wanted to tell him to stop feeling an obligation to be a performer & just be a musician; I have a hunch his music would be much more potent and he would have a lot more fun.


Honeslty though, I do the exact same thing in my contexts: socially, as a leader, as a pastor, as a thinker, as an artist. To be real with that experience I have to evaluate the areas that I am legitimate, successful or talented, but see myself as lacking and therefore represent myself as such. In what ways have I forgotten who I am and therefore am trying way to hard to represent myself as someone rather than just being that person?

As I reflect, I am reminded of the simplicity of being formed in the image of God with his breath within me. There are a bunch of other things that I am as well, but as soon as I forget this simple, core truth, I tend to start trying way too hard.

"And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and man became a living being."


Do check out Seabird, Barcelona, and yes, Meese. I do think they are all worth your time.

And I will say this, despite our experience with Meese, Luke must have been impressed with them: he definitely had 2 of their magnets on his car as he drove home...

understanding

a common conversation during day camp:

"wait, you mean ya'll live here?"

"yeah upstairs."

"you live in the church?"

"yup."



i have this conversation with many of the kids, and several of them already knew it because they live across the street or around the neighborhood and have seen us around. but still, the concept of living in a church just baffles them. it seems like the absolute most strangest thing. and i guess in a way it sort of is. but in another way...it's not at all.
_______________

then i had this conversation with a group of girls one day:

"hey what's that thing on your neck? is that a bird?"

"well yeah, it's a dove. but it's also a cross. sort of both. do you know why it's a dove?"

"no."

"cause a dove is a symbol for the Holy Spirit."

"oh."

"will it break?" another girl added.

"no it won't break. it's pottery. it's made by people in a monastery over in france."

blank stares.

"do you know what a monastery is?"

shaking heads.

"do you know what a monk is?"

shaking heads.

"well you know what a nun is right? with the dresses and the thing on their heads." i made very effective hand gestures here. "nuns live in convents and a monastery is sort of like the same thing but for men."

"just men? aren't they married?"

"no they choose to live 'married to God' in a sense."

"that's weird!"

"well not like a marriage like we think of it. but more like just sort of deciding to dedicate, or, to commit to living their lives for God alone and live together to help each other do that."

"that's sort of what you guys are doing upstairs, right?"

i paused. "yeah. yeah it is. though some of us up there are married and some of us aren't."

they lost interest after that and continued to argue about some petty drama. but in that brief instant i felt like that one little girl somehow understood more about what we are trying to do than so many of the people i've tried to explain it to. "trying" would be the key word there of course.

hey harry, wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?

moving to the inner city there were certain things that i knew to expect, and then there were other things that i didn't quite see coming. for the most part i feel like i have made the adjustment ok so far and haven't been surprised by too much.

one of the things i knew was that it was going to be much louder. there would be lots of noise, especially late at night. my room has windows that face 43rd street, which is surprisingly busy. fortunately i am a heavy sleeper and the churning ac unit drowns out a lot of noise itself. the sound hasn't really been to much of a problem. well, for the most part. sirens just sort of fade to the background and i don't really notice them any more. but there is one sound that already i am growing to hate.

the ice cream truck.

da da du du du da da daw daw daw da da daw daw doo doo doo du da da da.... and over and over and over.

the little chiming tune you can whistle without even thinking about. the calling anthem from your youth to rush out the front door with spare change before it drove away. the excitement that ensued with gum drop eyes and sticky fingers to follow. it was a delight. then slowly the ice cream trucks all disappeared. was it just that you were getting older? no, they abandoned the increasingly desolate suburban streets. where did they all go? the city!

yes it's true. and i hear that infernal noise more times a day than i care to count. and they're all the same! mix it up a little! come on! ok i'm sure i sound like a scrooge hating the ice cream truck noise. but seriously, you try listening to that stupid tune over and over and see how quickly your fond childhood memories become hellish nightmares with overloads of ice cream and a scary truck driver named herb. in fact, forget water-boarding, just play the ice cream truck song on repeat for about a week in a guys cell and watch him crack by day three.

in high school i used to have secret destructive fantasies where i would blow up the boxes that controlled the stop lights that i really hated. then they would have to repair them and reset the timing so that the lights would not be so incredibly stupid. maybe a little weird i know, but i thought of all sorts of ways to get past that hard metal outer casing. suffice it to say that now i have new plottings running through my head....

a little more: synthar

so i post songs on here quite a bit, and i'm never quite sure if people like them or listen to them or anything. usually a song doesn't elicit comments, so i'm not sure. but that's ok. i post them usually because they have some particular meaning to me, or i just happen to really like that song at that particular point in time. i really love sharing things that i enjoy, and i really enjoy music and it's easy to share. so i hope you enjoy at least some of it.

and then every now and then there is a band that i just get obsessed with. it doesn't happen too often. but when it does i feel limited by one song, so maybe i post two, or maybe i do several posts over a period of time. well i want to maybe perhaps start a series of writing a little more about a particular artist or album, of which this will be the first one. i am no music critic and i don't quite know how to objectify it, so don't expect too much of that. no instead it will probably just be a few songs along with why i really enjoy it all. here's who i'm enjoying right now--


__________________



synthar is a band that isn't really a band. you probably won't ever see them on tour. it's composed of 4 guys from all over: mississippi, new york, california, and china. it's a sort of postal service story i suppose, though they played together in the past growing up. the band definitely goes along with its name, in that it has a lot of synthesizers throughout, as well as various other instruments. if you don't dig the synth you may not like them, but i think they are worth a listen, even if you don't. don't let one instrument (sort of thing) define the band! that or embrace your inner 80s child and groove to the electro-tune.

i already posted one song from this group. it is a fun sort of love song that has a lot of playfulness to it. a combination of lots of instruments makes for a good introduction until it quiets to let the story unfold. the little details in the descriptions make the story come to life. and then the chorus brings on a greater self-reflection, almost a commentary on the rest of the story of the song. does a delightful little falling in love in an instant last? i love even the way it is asked--"will you still cling so tight to me?"

it's funny i watched the movie "dan in real life" last night and it made me think of this song. the proverbial movie always seems to stop with the wedding. but i like that this song looks to the future, and asks those questions. because there are a great many who lack the certainty that comes from the 3 day romance and its life implications. and while it's fun to think about in reality i can't imagine something like that without asking those questions. but that's just me.

"stabbed by an unseen blade"

this is another fun song, though i feel like it has a little pedro the lion in it for sure. it's the other side of the story from the previous song, but it's a strange sort of lament. it is upbeat musically, but the story is much more of a downer. but there is again a sort of playfulness in the words, and it makes the music work. the details again are great: "Lord, Lord, I'm on my knees for you, she took the furniture too," and "I need a revival, cause all she left was her bible." these clever lines make the song because it keeps a certain lightness while at the same time adding a new depth to the response to loss and betrayal. and let's be honest, it's got a good beat.

"the phone call"

this is a bit of a sadder song, though the bands playfulness again comes through at the beginning with the piano sounding like a telephone ringing. if you can't tell i really like the playfulness of this group, even when in this case it is in a more serious sort of way. the story to this song is a little mysterious, as i can't quite figure out just what the relationship is between the narrator and the deceased. mother maybe? ex-wife or girlfriend? the song ends with a numbing sort of repetition, which i think fits the situation well. i am finding myself drawn a lot to songs that seem to do this, because it takes you to a deeper level somehow. it's almost chant-like, and when used in the right way it is profound.

i also seem to find myself drawn to songs about death at times too. no not crazy death metal--silly people for thinking that. no more like the laments that come after losing someone. i have never really experienced a death of someone really close to me, and maybe that's why i have some sort of fascination with it. the depth of feeling, the grieving process. i'm sure listening to those songs would be very different in the midst of that experience. i wonder if songs like this one would be helpful, or perhaps too hard to listen to.



so anyway there it is. they have a lot of other great songs too, even though they just have the one album. these are just the ones i have been drawn to. hope you enjoy them!

the horror that is...

...day camp.

this last week we had a vbs/day camp here at the church. 9 hours a day--which is longer than any vbs in their right mind. 75 inner-city kids who are awesome but not super well-behaved. probably something like 4 1/2 volunteers who actually do something. a poorly planned schedule and awful curriculum makes for too much time and not enough to do. there is much more that could go on this list, but i'll stop there. and the best part is--it goes for another week! that's right, we have a whole nother week of this utterly exhausting "camp."

first of all, let me just say that i am not much of a camp person. i never have been. it's probably the introvert in me that gags at the thought of 168 hours constantly surrounded by other people that made me hate kanakuk and other similar experiences. that and all the strict rules and uniformity and strange chants and songs and all around weird behavior. camp is weird folks. whatever gives us the excuse to act all strange just because we have so much time together was not constituted in my makeup.

sure this camp is not quite that extreme. let me just thank the Lord right now that this is not an overnight camp. but then again those sorts of camps usually have fun activities like pools and campfires and all sorts of things to entertain the kids. we have a basketball court, which is admittedly really great but not for all that long.

anyway i don't need to go on ranting about how draining the whole thing is and how difficult it is. especially because it's not really the kids. i love kids. i love meeting these kids and hanging out with them--so many of them are from around the neighborhood. it's just the poor planning and the lack of help that makes it so hard. so if you're free to help come stop by! seriously.

chess

things down here at the church are rarely calm, at least so far. there is always a lot of work to be done, things to be figured out, stuff breaking or the never-ending complications arising from most everything already being broken. we were supposed to have a nice time for a meeting the other night, but our shower urgently needed to be fixed. so the night pushed late and we weren't able to really do anything together. after the progression of showers most people headed off to bed. but bobby asked if i wanted to play a game of chess. i said sure.

it was a daring match. i think it's safe to say that we will make good playing partners for one another, as it was very evenly matched. about halfway into our match we hear sirens, nothing really all that out of the ordinary around here. it is really surprising how used to them i have already become. but then we see the police helicopter out our window. it is flying just a couple blocks away, shining a light down that is scanning a lot of different area. we watched for awhile. some of the neighbors came out of their houses and were looking down the street, which we didn't think was the best idea since the helicopter light seemed to have not found whatever it was looking for. later on they sealed off the street for a block or so. after a bit we returned to our game, which i won by a narrow margin. after which bobby proclaimed "whatever!" and we went to bed.

the next morning i spent some time sitting out in front of the church with pastor howard. i had heard via text that there had been a stabbing just two blocks east of us, hence the helicopter and everything. witnesses were uncooperative with the police according to reports. but as pastor and i sat out there we talked to some of the neighborhood guys. one of them mowed the lawn for a small fee, then was telling us about how was there the night before, how he left when the two guys started getting mad at each other, how he should have taken one of them with him, how they were arguing over a game of chess. a game of chess, and a guy gets stabbed. a game of chess, at the exact time i was playing one only a few blocks away. i hadn't played chess in years.

in one sense it sort of de-mystifies the violence. not just a random stabbing to any passerby or robbery, but two guys getting into an argument. they probably knew each other, at least a little. it really could have happened anywhere. but it didn't. it happened down here. and that is the other sense--that people's level of constant anger is just so much higher in this inner city culture. it takes only the smallest thing to set people off. of course not always to that extreme, but still often with much less control than is healthy and safe.

i have a lot to learn about this culture. but i am glad to be here. glad to be a part of it. it has been and is swept under the rug so often by the rest of popular american culture. why do we ignore it? do we just assume that it is normal and expected to have some sort of violent, crime-filled ghetto somewhere? it is accepted, but should it be?

one of the things that we don't want to do as a community down here is to just continue to perpetuate the system of dependency and handouts. we want to seek to learn how to love people, but to do it in such a way that is long-lasting, that really truly helps them and their children with more permanence. it is a journey to learn how to aide community development, finding our role in the holistic restoration of the children of God. so often i have no idea where to begin, or how to do it, or what the next move should be. sort of like a chess game. it all can seem so overwhelming with so many pieces, and they all affect the whole landscape so differently. you can really only learn by playing over and over, usually losing a lot at first.

perhaps the most important lesson i learned in chess is that you have to constantly keep attacking. i use to try to set up these elaborate defenses to stop the other player. but the only way you can win is to put the other person in checkmate. and against good players you can't just sit back and wait for them to make a mistake so you'll have the advantage. you have to continue to put on the pressure and make them do the things they don't want to do, eventually trapping them into choices they don't want to make. i don't know if this is an apt metaphor really, but i know that the kingdom of God is an advancing force. for the scripture says that the gates of hell will not overcome you. that's their gates, not ours. and we have been on the defensive as Christians for far too long.

now we just need to learn once again how to build up our attack. positioning is vital and having all the right pieces in play is a must. what piece will you be? will you stay back behind the pawns? will you charge out too quick? most importantly though we must all realize that this all isn't just a game--this life thing. it's not for our own amusement. and are we willing to accept sacrifice for victory, so that the kingdom can break in and hopefully some day we will see people stop killing each other over silly games. do you believe it is possible?

it's fixed

as you've probably gathered if you've read this blog much, we are now moved into the church we've been working on and such. it's been a few weeks now and things are finally starting to settle, at least a little bit. that is until day camp the next 2 weeks for 11 hours a day. i'm going to die. if you have any suggestions for games etc. feel free to share!

anyway, i just wanted to post our address so you all can stop by or send us something! looking forward to it!

church address:
2701 E. 43rd St.
Kansas City, MO 64130

mailing address:
PO Box 300225
Kansas City, MO 64130

great lake swimmers

this is another band i just can't stop listening to recently. their new album is outstanding. check them out more, seriously.

"she comes to me in dreams"

last night

i was already doing a couple things wrong. i was driving on my way back to the church after a meeting that had gone much later than i was expecting. it was now 11:30 at night. we had decided that we would all usually try to make it home before 11 most nights, simply because it just isn't safe to be out too late. a short walk from the lot to the front door awaited me, though i would also have to take the time to slide shut the parking gate and lock up since i would be the last one home.

as i drove along the highway the fear began to grow in me. everyone else is going to be asleep already. i started to imagine a mugging scenario. i had my bag with my computer with me. should i take my credit cards out of my wallet? i felt my toes wiggling. i was wearing flip-flops, not the best for running to be sure. we had also talked about not walking around in sandals too much as a safety precaution. i thought about how i could slide them off and run barefoot. too much broken glass around. i just hoped they would let me live if i handed over all my stuff. dying right now would be sort of inconvenient.

maybe the fear wasn't quite that strong, but i really considered driving to my mom's house and crashing the night there. i could just come back in the morning. stop being silly; you'll be fine. besides, i had to lock up the gate or else it would be open all night. a car could get stolen. or people would keep dumping more in our already overflowing dumpster. i drove on, saying a few prayers as i got closer and the streets became smaller and emptier.

i didn't see anyone walking around as i pulled into the parking lot. i threw my bag over my shoulder and got the key out for the gate padlock. as i came to the opening i saw someone walking down the sidewalk towards me. they were holding a bag of some sort. as i started to pull the sliding gate i gave a peak and saw that it was a woman, probably just a little older than me. she was not far away now. i stuck the padlock on and turned around.

"hi," she said.

"how you doing," i responded with a smile.

as she passed me my fears were relieved and i turned to walk toward the front door. she continued on but had a slight hesitation in her next step. then she stopped and turned back.

"would you pray for me?" she asked. "my mom just had another heart attack and she's back in the hospital."

"yeah, for sure. what's your name?"

"and pray for my sister too, she's twelve and her uncle has started messing with her and i just can't do nothin about it." we both shook our heads for a moment.

"absolutely i will pray. and what's your name?"

"A--, and my mom's B-- and my daughter's S--. A--, B--, S--."

i repeated the names and wished her a good night. then she kept on walking.



after i was inside i smiled at the irony of the experience. perhaps God was smiling too. my fears were so preoccupied with myself. and i remembered why i was there in the first place.

maybe it was just because i was walking out of the church parking lot. maybe it was because i was one of the white kids and the word is getting out that we are living in this church now. but for whatever reason this woman knew that she could ask me to pray for her. not really for her, but for those closest to her who are hurting. there was a gravity in the way she asked too, in the way she stood. in the quiet anonymity of the dark there were no walls. through the streetlight's soft accents i could see the depth in her in that brief moment--a rare and sincere candor with no pride nor shame in it. i can't even express in words the significance and meaning this meeting had for me. it was a divine encounter. a kairiotic moment.

sometimes i tell people i will pray for them and then i forget about it. i will not forget about A--. and how great is it that this is exactly what we've come here to do, to pray, to talk to people, to relate, to love? she didn't ask for money, for food. no, for prayer. and pray we will.

maybe we need to think about being out and about late at night more often :).

yay america

the 4th of july is my least favorite holiday. i don't quite get it really, to be honest. sure it's fun to just sort of hang out and grill some food, but you really could do that any saturday if you set out to do it. i think part of what i don't understand is that we decide to celebrate by tapping into that inner destructive part of ourselves--we're free! let's blow stuff up! or at least once that is a little more subdued we find delight in watching lights in the sky. and i just don't get the delight in that--they look the same every year. sure there are lots of colors but it just seems so underwhelming. if i want to see colors moving in special directions my screen-saver is about the same level of engagement for me. we could even hook up the computer to a projector if it's not big enough for you. cause we need big and explosions to celebrate our country.

i'm not writing this to try to steal your joy if you love this holiday. i hope it's a blast for you. in fact, to help me understand how about you tell me why you love this holiday--or if you really want why i should love it.

nouwen

That God reveals the fullness of divine love first of all in community [at pentecost], and that the proclamation of the good news finds its main source there has radical consequences for our lives. Because now the question is no longer: How can I best develop my spiritual life and share it with others? but Where do we find the community of faith to which the Spirit of God descends and from which God's message of hope and love can be brought as a light into the world? Once this question becomes our main concern we can no longer separate the spiritual life from life in community, belonging to God from belonging to each other and seeing Christ from seeing one another in him.

go love

so...i have a new address. well, more theoretically speaking, because we still don't have our p.o. box yet and we don't want to mix our mail with the churches. but i am living somewhere new.

that's right we finally moved into the church on sunday amidst a multitude of complications and difficulties. we have some electrical issues which compound the heat issues and sleeping has been a bit of a challenge, but it's getting better. we've had some wonderful support and help from various people so that has been a huge blessing.

if you are able i suggest you come pay us a visit and check out the place! it is a work in progress, but here's to building your ship at sea.

this is the door to my room. it was like that. you can probably figure out what it used to say. i like it how it is now though. and i like how it looks at night.




ps we don't have internet yet so i will be less available for some time. or it's called a phone.

synthar

i've been loving this band a ton recently. you should check them out, and you can get their whole album for free here. it has more great songs like this one, that kind of makes me want to go to...

"small coastal towns"

too horrific

ok so i haven't seen it and don't intend to, even if i hadn't read either of the following. my favorite lines:

"Director Michael Bay has accomplished something incredible with Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen. No filmmaker since Stanley Kubrick has so perfectly captured the zeitgeist of an anxious, enervated and testosterone-poisoned society. Bay’s crowning achievement with this cinematic landfill is that he managed to do it unintentionally. Beat that, Kubrick."

"Michael Bay’s 150-minute celebration of attention deficit disorder is like a July 4th fireworks display that doesn't end until July 8th and makes you swear off Roman candles for life."

more.

and please read this entire joy of a review giving the film (if you can even call it that) an entire 8 out of 100--using the term "regrettable."

the bridges

"finding it hard"

"it doesn't feel right"

alright my female friends, or male cohorts--it's time to enlighten me on a little something. another humble submission that i have no idea in hell about a particular aspect of life or relationship or whatever you want to call it. so fill me in, or further echo your own exasperation along with me. thanks.

i'm talking about that phrase, "it just isn't right." this is death to a relationship. as soon as it is felt you might as well shake the dust and get it over with as soon as possible, right? if it's said then there is no turning back. try to fight it and you're only delaying the inevitable and causing more pain. at least that's how it seems to go. am i right?

unfortunately i've been the recipient of this phrase several times in my day. is this just the new "God is telling me I need to be alone right now" which was the middle-school way of getting out of dating with someone you didn't really want to date? "feeling" is more neutral and less authoritative, but just as passive and seemingly less hurtful. is that the case here? or does it really reflect an actual state?

i guess my first question is just, what the hell is "it"? the relationship or you? can't we be honest here people? oh but it's both isn't it? or neither. it's a compatibility thing. though in truth it's a feeling and it can't really be fully explained so you can't even really talk about it. damn what i wouldn't give for some telepathy.

what is this mysterious magical feeling that must overcome your senses by the third date? or even if it seems to be there the feeling can strike at any moment, this doesn't feel right all of the sudden. it is over! but that is all we have to go on right? that's how we judge isn't it?

you see they say that when it is right it will just feel right and it should feel right because that's how you know that it is right because it feels right when it is supposed to feel right. right?

that's what people say who are still happily married, isn't it? of course, i do wonder if the others said that too--the ones who are divorced now. and they just simply aren't still around to say that it felt right. or maybe they change their story though--like now they say they somehow always knew that it just wasn't right. it was those reservations from before. i wonder if the happily married couples had reservations ever. we just judge the means by end result, but what if our research methods are quite skewed? we believe what we want to believe. we find the support where we want to find it.

|insert disclaimer: i'm sorry if i sound a little bitter here at any point in time--it is not my intention and i don't really feel that way as much as exasperated. so put that fun tone on my sarcasm. cynicism maybe at times, but that also isn't the predominate emotion. got it? good.|

so let's get a little philosophical here. i'll leave the talking about the spirituality of such a phrase to your own judgment, though mostly i would strongly caution associating our own feelings with the will of God--as the two seem to often be the same for many. i guess the philosophical question here for me is what exactly dictates our decision making? do our feelings dictate our actions? or is it our will? is there a difference--yes. but do we just equate our feelings with our will--but only in certain situations? then there really isn't a will then, is there? or it is at least just a slave to our feelings. what constitutes the choices that we make?

some things we might call matters of the heart. these would tend to be dictated by our feelings, because we equate feelings with the heart. that may be misguided for sure. so also may be the distinction we try to make assigning some things as specifically to our heart and others to a more cognitive, scientific decision-making. i think there is truth in that to a degree, but no decision can be made entirely devoid of our entire decision-making faculties. even the most "scientific" decision must have some feeling in it. and vice-versa. but even that duality is oversimplifying. ok that's all for the philosophy--it's not practically helpful here immediately so let's leave it for now.

practically though you can't go forward if it doesn't feel right. you can't force it. it just won't work. and this is true. i think it's a matter of our framework though in many cases. we can't force it through because we have created a pretty narrow doorway through which we must pass. and say the opposite extreme would be arranged marriages, which would have a very wide doorway (though i'm not advocating that). our framework so often is something like seeing God's will for us as eerily similar to a great chick flick. throw a little fear in there about not finding mr. right and perhaps the doorway widens a bit. or worrying that we are settling and it narrows. we have become so diluted as to think that it's all about the perfect romance and everything fitting together so naturally and it being all easy at the start--sure it will get harder but it should be easy at the beginning. because easy is synonymous with good. because it's all about us and how we feel and our comfort and what this other person is going to offer me. ok that might be a bit too far as it isn't always like that of course.

can we change our doorway? our framework? maybe God is far more concerned about you doing his will than finding mr. or mrs. perfect that feels so great. sure God wants to give us good gifts, but we can be pretty picky about what he sets before us. i don't mean to downplay the importance of this decision--indeed our framework has made it even all the more important if we don't want broken homes and pain for our children. it just doesn't seem to be working. romance as we are approaching it has some major flaws, and no one seems to be willing to look at the results and put two and two together.

how do we change our framework? well that is too specific to each one's situation i think. but i don't think a super narrow or extremely broad framework is healthy in any respect. this "feeling right" thing is just one issue that i think is narrowing a lot of frameworks and maybe keeping some people away from the other side of that door. and they can do something about it. don't try to force your way through, but take a look at what you've set up before you. it may not be as sturdy as you may have imagined. and changing the framework just might take you to a very different place once you pass through it.

confessional corner

i went to hawaii. last week. it was a late-breaking development. there, i said it. now you all know.

of course you may ask, "how did luke go to hawaii?" well, a cheap ticket plus a borrowed tent plus meeting up with old friends and new makes for a very doable trip. camping is totally the way to do hawaii. in fact, i want to do it again--maybe next year. who's with me?

it was an incredible and crazy week. if you want to know more, i suggest you ask me about it.

mahalo my friends.

a dream at sea

i woke from a dream today.
not this morning--nor last night,
for some dreams take a greater rousing
than one day can manage.

a dream of the grandest sort--
a great story,
the stuff of novels and fairy tales;
full of twists and surprises,
heartache and longing,
rendezvous and restoration.

a dream persisting through fits of waking,
unsure whether it was better to sleep or to rise.
but dreams cannot be held;
they come and go as they please--
and you poor fool are the victim,
not the author.
unable to lay down it all.

a dream that would not die.
how long can life-support last?
and is it right to hope for a revival?
i couldn't seem to help it,
to try to close my eyes once more and see
something different.

or even the dream of future dreams.

but a dream none the less.



the thing is,
we all need to wake up sooner or later.
the sweetest dream is still a fiction.
and i say,
give me the ugly truth over the most beautiful lie.

and sinking beneath the tide,
let me come up for air--
and wake like a burst through the surface of the deep,
still alive
and able once again
to see
to breathe.

ready for the next plunge.

lookout

we're 4-0. softball teams beware. long live the corked bat.

(don't worry, it's legal)

a moment

every now and then when i am washing my hair, i find myself trying to shampoo my beard as well. and then, upon realizing that it is gone, one small sob escapes me. and then i turn my face beneath the spout.

letters that i send

wisdom

not long ago i had the opportunity to spend the weekend in chicago for a good friend's wedding. while i was there i had the opportunity to talk with a man who is a part of reba place fellowship. this is one such community we hope to learn a lot from as we enter into the experiment of intentional christian community life.

the man to the left is tom roddy. he is an extremely interesting man, as you might be able to tell simply from his picture, though i wish i had a better one to show the character in the lines of his face. he is 78. he has been through much, including a time as a monk, marriage to a widow with 6 kids, great financial success sacrificed to join reba, time in mental institutions for clinical bipolar and depressive episodes (of which he was very open about and has been better for many years now), and a member of reba place church for over 40 years. he is the subject of a local chicago documentary entitled "the renegade monk," and his story is told in the book the new monasticism. all of these things matter and they don't. to talk to the man for a few minutes is to see the peace and happiness he exudes still even after all the many years. he attributes this to his practice of daily meditation and silence, insisting that it is essential for any sort of self-knowledge and clarity. young people are drawn to him. he is an example of the wisdom of years we far too often ignore or marginalize. i consider myself privileged to have spent a couple hours with him.

one of the fun things was to discover a literary kinship with this 78 year old man. he was quite delighted by it as a matter of fact. 50+ years apart and we love the same books. so fun. there were also a few things within the conversation that really stuck with me. there's something to a man living all that time and still seeking after God, still finding the joy despite the many hardships he's faced in life. something that compels you to listen and gives gravity to his words. in a world where we seem to only be able to speak to others through the credibility of our own experiences, then i would have to say this guy takes the cake.

the thing he said that struck me probably the most was his statement that in all his years of life he's learned that the only thing really worth it is face-to-face, interpersonal relationships. which of course adds irony to this blog post. the other things he spoke to me were less in words.

i also was able to have a short conversation with an anglican bishop from uganda just the other day. he too exudes a peace and wisdom, a spirit of grace and goodness. he read an excerpt from a prayer that was very powerful. but beyond really anything he said simply his presence seemed to draw me into a space where God was near. that is powerful and indescribable, and it would be a great hope for myself someday. while i was in this place, with this man, i seemed to come to some sort of realization. maybe it is profound. maybe it is just a simple truth whose key fit the grooves within me at that moment.

i realized that true wisdom is the melding of our head to our hearts. the problem with american christianity is not its lack of understanding (indeed you could say that about many things in america), but the lack of heart. which makes you wonder why our churches continue to preach sermons week after week that are mostly teaching, titillating the mind with little bits you may not already have known. exhortation is generally unimposing and individualistic--if it's any more it has to be rare otherwise the independence of the listener will just start ignoring it completely.

our passion, if we do find it, is generally short-lived. there are numerous reasons for this. but rather than diagnose the problem--perhaps it is better to just focus on learning how to cultivate an engaged heart. it is so easy to slip away into entertainment that numbs the passion, or lets out just enough vicariously to make you feel like you are really living. so how do we learn to truly engage our hearts? if i had the answer to that then i would be a wise person. i'd ask someone older.

the wire

"the wire" is an hbo show that examines the nature of inner city life in a penetrating and profound way. generally told from the perspective of the drug culture and the cops who investigate it in the city of baltimore, each season focuses on a different aspect of the nature of this lifestyle and culture. it is an american culture that is marginalized and of ignored in the mainstream of american life. but you cannot watch this show and not be impacted by the stories of how life is in many of our major cities, usually just on the other side of town.

i've been watching this show now for the past few months, and i just finished watching season 4--it was the best yet. there is one season left in the complete series, which i plan to watch soon. it has by numerous people been called "the best show on television," and i have to say the same thing myself. watching this show makes heroes or many of the other shows i have watched just look amateur. i mean really--they don't even compare.

now i have to say off the start that i can't really give a broad wide-sweeping recommendation for anyone to watch this show. it is graphic in many ways, especially in violence and language. the earlier seasons also show some skin from time to time. but it is not gratuitous. it is there because that is the reality of the world this show is portraying. i understand the idea that what you put into your brain usually finds a way to come back out--and that we are encouraged to think on the good and wholesome things. but if you think phil. 4:8 is admonition to shut your ears and eyes from the reality of the evil in this world, then you are not seeing the rest of scripture and denying that it is the sick who need the doctors. though there are sensitive spirits out there, and the graphic nature of this show would be too much for those perhaps. though the unwholesomeness or whatever you want to call it is never there for the glorification of it, that's for sure.

i started watching this show on the recommendation of others who have been spending time in the inner city of kansas city, testifying to the many similarities between the show and the lives of the kids they interact with in real life. along with its accuracy and exposure the show is exceptionally well-done from a story-telling perspective. it usually takes a couple episodes to really get into the story, as it doesn't tend to rely on cheap hooks and suspense-driven plot. like most really good things, it demands work from its observer. in that way each show is usually very "literary" in a sense, in that it uses themes and motifs to make points and tie together ideas and realities. it is a show of great substance even beyond the extremely well done storytelling. again it makes other television shows look like cheap entertainment. but then again i don't watch a lot of other television.

i felt compelled to write a post about this show after watching season 4. it has stayed in my head and really greatly impacted me. season 4 followed the lives of particularly 4 eighth-graders and their coming-of-age into the "manhood" of inner-city life. this is the first season to explore the education side as well. it is haunting to see what these kids go through, the choices that they are forced to make, and how hard it is to overcome. if you ever had any need to challenge your prejudices about poverty and "the american dream," the ideology that america is a land of opportunity and anyone can pull themselves up and become the great "self-made man," then you simply need to watch this season. though of course to really understand it and fully appreciate it you have to watch the first three. and then of course you'll be compelled to watch the last one.

do i think you should watch this show? yes, if you have the time. it is a big investment but the expanded time allows for such a greater depth of insight than just a film can portray. i think despite the violence and language and whatever impact that might have on you, i believe it will enrich your life and greatly benefit you as a human being--in a way that few other shows or films can do.

kalai

"patience lies"

proof

it's in the pudding.

so let's take a little journey and remember time past....

i had a beard.














and then i shaved my head.


















then i had a little fun.













yeah i just need to be wearing my admiral's outfit for the british royal navy. i actually left it like this for a couple of days.

then i thought i could be cool like this guy, but couldn't pull it off.



















so this is me.





















well it's been fun all. sorry to blog about my beard so much--but come on, you know you liked it. guilty pleasures.

time

oh razor, my old friend. it's been so long.

relocation reflections

so now i'm here in kc. gone from manhattan--a 6 year chapter of my life come to a close. it's been a lot to process emotionally. fortunately i haven't had time for any of that and i'm keeping busy enough to not have to dive into it all. sure that's not healthy. i'm not sure transitions ever are off the start. still, that's no excuse and i think it's important to take some time with these things.

one of the ways of doing that is while working. trust me while you're pulling a thousand staples out of a window frame over and over your mind isn't exactly riveted. it allows for lots of thoughts. we need to get some music up in there. but until then at least there is the beckoning silence.

there was something today with pulling off the plastic from all these windows. for years they have been sealed, cutting off the outside world and its cold winds and menacing bugs. no longer. as the plastic is pulled away, the neighborhood can really be seen for the first time in quite some time. the church is up on a hill so you can see a lot far away. and you can see a lot up close. the windows aren't so great. in fact they are pretty awful. thin glass single-paned for little to no insulation, that would matter more if it weren't for the many large gaps in every window. no screens. from the outside maybe it isn't so noticeable, the change in these windows, the removing of this plastic veil. but we are seeing much that is new.

relocation brings up lots of things. there is what is left behind. of course we aren't fully moved in yet so a lot of what i am leaving isn't fully left yet. but manhattan is gone. and it was a wonderful place. much of what made it wonderful was the people, and a lot of those whom i was closer to are leaving--so it's different now anyway. but that doesn't change that it's past and lost. it will always hold a special place in me.

we met a guy the other day--alex. one of the first of many we are sure to meet. even just talking with him in a short conversation i can see so much of how inept i am to understanding these people that live in a very different culture, which leaves me dependent on God for many things. so i enter that culture with humility, but i also have to be strong--for these people will push on you and try to get anything they can out of you. not all of course, but many. we have to know what we are about. and that's hard because we only know so much, and some of what we know is more what we are not about. i won't get into those things now though. maybe another time.

i also find myself thinking about comfort. i've been saying for years that i don't want to live a life that is just about keeping myself comfortable. of course, once you start to experience discomfort then a nice couch with low lighting and a big tv playing baseball in the background sounds pretty good. it's easy to get overwhelmed in this new place. there are lots of things, and probably even more we do not see. oppression comes quickly. the task seems daunting. the work seems never-ending. the cracked thin windows, the holes in the walls, the leaking roof, the collections of mold, the lead paint, the wasp nests inside the building, etc. it's a long list. but we're not there for that. the task is simple. love people. sure it's ok to spend some time getting things fixed up to make it more livable and all--but i don't want to just create a new place of comfort. no, that won't do. peace yes. that's different. livable. sure. i don't want to freeze in the winter or be stung by multiple wasps at night. but if i am, that's not the end of the world. put on a sweatshirt. hang a mosquito net :). and don't take with you the gods from the house of your father when you go out of the land and into someplace new. comfort be damned.

man i hope i don't eat those words too much.

move your life, not just your stuff.

moving day

goodbye manhattan. i'll miss you.

hello kansas city. what a new place you'll be.



this is going to be way too much for one day....

matthew perryman jones + katie herzig

"where the road meets the sun"

two quotes

"The tragic is inevitable. The comic is unforeseeable."
--Frederick Buechner

"The fairy tale does not deny the existence of...sorrow and failure: the possibility of these is necessary to the joy of the deliverance; it denies (in the face of much evidence, if you will) universal final defeat..., giving a fleeting glimpse of Joy, Joy beyond the walls of the world, poignant as grief."
--J.R.R. Tolkien

stars

"heart"

christywood

this is a real trailer for a real movie, unbelievably enough. and you absolutely have to watch it. who's up for seeing it with me!?!?



review here.

put down the flag

recently i tried to explain to someone why i no longer considered myself an "evangelical." it was a little difficult, because she had a different religion and didn't understand all that term entailed. maybe you don't understand either--i'm not sure that i do either. and maybe it doesn't really matter. maybe labels and titles are something that just get us into more trouble than they're worth. old distinguishing marks that were worn like a badge of honor undergo a change in meaning as time passes, especially when any old anyone can choose that mark for themselves.

actually i don't know if i ever would have called myself an "evangelical," though i went to one of their churches and schools. the term conveys a lot of things--different probably to different people. in many ways evangelicalism has become the face of american protestantism, where many outside of the church and in wouldn't be able to tell you the difference. if you don't happen to know it is a label for denominations to distinguish themselves, usually by a strong emphasis on the bible at the center of all and the need to "save" others.

i've never really been big on denominations. you could call my theology lax, but the difference just never seemed like that big of a deal to me. i think there are important things to be gleaned from every tradition--and more evangelicals should be reading catholic writings, past and present. and more variety beyond that as well--other traditions, other religious literature, classic literature, foreign lit, modern poetry. but hey, i have an english degree so of course i would say that right?

that's not really the point of what i wanted to say in this post--though it connects because i believe current evangelical americans are the greatest offenders, particularly on the political front.

we put our rights above our call to love people.

i mean "rights" in a couple ways. first i mean it in the sense of what we deem to be right. our truths. our beliefs. people gotta get their beliefs right because it's faith that saves us right? we can worry about all that lovey crap after they are good and saved. and what's more it is generally the more loving thing to do to show a person where they are wrong. funny how many evangelicals have a different idea of what "love" is than everyone else. call it sanctified if you want, but i think i cor. 13 might have something to say about that.

in the second and i think far more accepted sense, i mean it in the more traditional sense of the word. we have our rights as citizens of the usofa, as human beings. it's right there in the declaration of independence. it's in our beings, our fiber as americans. life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. and we as american christians agree. evangelicals have done a fair job trying to convince everyone that the founding fathers were devout men of the christian faith. my question is why? i'll give you the puritans and the pilgrims--but the founding fathers, well that's just not historical for the most part. did they do it in order to try to absorb these principles into christian practice so they wouldn't have to be different? or was it more out of insecurity? trying to hold onto the puritan idea of america being the new zion, the new city on a hill?

but perhaps you are asking what's wrong with these principles in the first place? aren't we afforded these rights? well in a way yes. perhaps that is true as humans we should have these rights--they fit within our natural sense of what justice should be. the only problem is that they aren't the way of Jesus. i could have said "they aren't christian," but that wouldn't sound right--they have become quite "christian" indeed.

read i corinthians 9. it's all about paul giving up his rights for the sake of the gospel. read philippians 2. it's all about how Jesus did not hold onto his rights as God but humbled himself. perhaps that's the best word for it: humility. americans have taken the humility out of christianity.

we will love people as long as it doesn't interfere with our rights--our ability to live, our independence, and our own happiness. that implies a lack of sacrifice, but even more it shows which is our priority. we believe in our own rights more than we do in the call to love people. our love has no teeth. who will give up their "happiness" for another? who will submit themselves to losing their independence for the sake of others? who will really lose their life--that whole greater love hath no man thing. nah we'll just leave all that to Jesus. he did it all for us right?

well are we disciples of Christ or are we not? are we Christ-ians? no it seems we would rather be the people who toe the line and follow the rules--our wonderful puritan heritage in its distortion there. and that's how people begin to think that being a christian is all about following rules. the problem is well-intentioned christians think this too. following the rule of grace and belief and no love in action beyond writing a couple checks. maybe that's too harsh, but our sense of "following" Jesus is almost laughable. american evangelicals--what gospel are you reading?

life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? there are the core values of america. and yet it's exactly our ability to lay down these rights that makes us Christian, that makes us truly loving.

how life can turn

it's that time of year here in manhattan. things are wrapping up. people are pushing through the final barrage of tests and papers and projects to reach the point of relief--no more school for the summer or for good. some are facing graduation, and the next step in their life. it's an interesting thing to observe again (this being my sixth spring here), especially being removed from all of that school stuff now. from my perspective it seems as if it all is a little blown out of proportion. of course, it's easier to say that being free from those old burdens. looking back they don't seem so heavy. why do we let them hold us down?

although this year is a little different for me. when i went through the whole graduating fiasco, i knew i wasn't leaving manhattan. it had a different feel for me. it wasn't quite so exhaustive. the change of being out of school didn't have to go with a change of location. but now that i am moving on, i don't have the accompaniment of the end of school. i don't have the sense of completion like when you finish your last final. i do feel like my time here is complete. yet it is not culminating in some sort of harrowing finish. no. it is just sort of drifting away, edging closer to the moment when i will move and be gone from this place i have called home for 6 years. 6 years. that's quite a chunk of my life. how do i find closer on this season?

i went to a concert tonight. and in an odd way it actually led me in that direction a step or two. i saw the appleseed cast at the kathouse. i also saw them there nearly 2 years ago, right at the start of my two years out of school here in manhattan. it was an odd symmetry, bookending this season with a random concert. some of the same people surrounded me at the show. others who were there the first time are off in places distant from my life.

i got there a little early this evening. so i had a drink and watched the royals game. in the midst of that and after i had a lot of time to think. maybe it was the drink but i was feeling a little melancholy. it's been an interesting 2 years to say the least. i walk away from it now not quite sure what i've given and what i've gained. i sense more what i've lost and what has changed.

manhattan has had an odd sort of comfort about it. there is much more that i would want out of life than what i've had here. but at the same time i felt very content in the simple comforts and undemanding lifestyle. and yet i sense that i've somehow come to a point where i no longer see and realize all the things that are lacking. i see some of them still--but others i have become so used to living without that i just grew accustomed to the lack. i can't put my finger on all of what those things are. i could name some of them. others i feel i have even forgot what was once a need or blessing regular in my life. hopefully some of those things will be reclaimed.

still, i have gained much in my time here--mostly in new relationships. some other things too. God had me here for this time for a purpose i'm sure. i feel it cost a lot--more than i know in some ways. it gave back too. and i know i will see those things even more as i move away from it.

anyway. i'm not sure any of that is at all interesting for anyone else to read, but whatever. i guess to sum it up it was a thoughtful/feelingful night and i tried to express that somewhat--though admittedly not very well. so hopefully better next time. stay tuned dear readers. more on the flip side.

insulation

so shed your clothes.
like a child who cannot bear the incumbrance.
free from the sticky cling of overheated cloth
your skin can then share the air.

no longer hide the imperfections.
the marks, the moles, the scars, the hair, the flab.
and cool yourself with the generated air,
rotors at your command--
set just to your liking;
consideration passé.

no more fashion.
no more folly.
just a bare chest,
and no hand on that heart.

i've always preferred the cold.
you can always put more on to bundle up,
it doesn't work the same the other way.
and comfort just can't be found.

so wrap yourself up,
you've seen them in the desert--
they know how it's done.
because either way
sooner or later
the sun is going to come out.
and you'll wake from this night's dream,
burned or frozen.

bon iver | sarah siskind

blaise pascal

I have often said that man's unhappiness arises from one thing alone: that he cannot remain quietly in his room.

...

That is why play and the conversation of women, war, and high offices are so sought after. Not that in fact they bring happiness, or that we imagine true bliss to consist in money won at games or in the hares that are hunted; we would not accept these if they were given to us. We do not seek that easy and peaceful life that allows us to think about our unhappy condition, nor the dangers of war, nor the burdens of office, but the bustle that turns our thoughts away and diverts us. --Reason why we prefer the hunt to the kill.
That is why men so love noise and activity. That is why jail is such a horrible punishment. That is why the pleasure of solitude is incomprehensible. In fact, the greatest source of happiness in being a king is that people constantly try to divert him and to procure for him every kind of pleasure. The king is surrounded by people who think only of diverting the king and of preventing him from thinking about himself. For, though he is king, he is unhappy if he thinks about himself.
This is all men men have been able to devise to make themselves happy. Those who philosophize about it, and who think people are quite unreasonable to spend a whole day chasing a hare they would not have bought, scarcely know our nature. The hare does not save us from the sight of death and the miseries distracting us, but the hunt does.

...

A man lives his life free from boredom, playing every day for a small amount. Give him every morning the money he can win that day, on the condition that he does not play: you make him unhappy. You may say perhaps that he seeks the entertainment of play and not the winnings. Make him, then, play for nothing. He will not get excited about it and will be bored. It is not, therefore, only the amusement he seeks. A weak and passionless amusement will bore him. He must get excited about it and trick himself into imagining that he would be happy to win what he would not accept on the condition of not playing. He must fashion for himself an object of passion to excite his desire, his anger, his fear for the fashioned object, like children who become frightened by the face they have darkened.