are you a dreamer?

that's a good question denison. aren't we all in a way?

"The tears of dreams can be real enough to wet the pillow and the passions of them fierce enough to make the flesh burn."
--Frederick Buechner

i've been having a hard time with dreams recently. they're tough because you really can't control them. i suppose some people do have lucid dreams where they know they are dreaming and have fun with it. i'm more one of those poor suckers who suffers the fates their dreams have to offer. i don't usually remember my dreams. in fact, they usually come in seasons--short periods of time when i will remember a few dreams for a few days and then they are gone again.

theoretically speaking they are a fascinating subject, but i don't really feel like going into all that right now. here are a few more words from buechner:

"We are in constant touch with a world that is as real to us while we are in it, and has as much to do with who we are, and whose ultimate origin and destiny are as unknown and fascinating, as the world of waking reality. Our lives are a great deal richer, deeper, more intricately interrelated, more mysterious, and less limited by time and space than we commonly suppose... Maybe the Real World is not the only reality, and even if it should turn out to be, maybe [we] are not looking at it realistically."

that last word stands out to me. realistically. have you seen vanilla sky? it's a great flick. at one point there is a line about how his dreams are a cruel joke. and it is the working out of everything a little too perfect that the mind seems unable to accept. the matrix briefly shoots out this idea at one point as well. there is something about dreams that is at least a source of pain and at most a form of torture. even when everything works out perfect and we don't realize it in the dream, we wake to find the same life that left us the night before.

it's also no coincidence we call our lofty wishes "dreams." it's where everything works out just as if our minds had control over everything in our lives. our wishes find their reality behind shut eyes. that is, of course, excluding nightmares. we won't go into those here either.

a lot of christians put a lot of stock in dreams, as have i in the past. heck, i've even driven halfway across the country because of a dream. i think especially since i rarely remember them, i have tended to think they are significant when i do. and maybe they have been. when i acted on that one it turned out for the best. i've also had some crazy prophetic dreams--like about a heart attack to someone close to me the day before it happened. but i can also come up with other reasons why i remember them at those times. i can think of times when my dreams do not lead me to anything good. and most recently my dreams will not conform to the reality that is before me.

which has left me with the question: do my dreams just reveal my illusions? is it just the mind playing out what it cannot experience in the disappointment of real life? is it wishful thinking to hope that they point to something more? maybe i just don't trust them anymore. why should i trust them though?

i have been able to pray for dreams in the past and that has worked, as well as asking God not to let me dream about something which has worked also. it's hard to know what to want though when i'm not sure if my dreams are working for or against me. what should i ask for tonight?

we all want to believe that our dreams will come true. but they usually don't. that's why they call them dreams, like when i wanted to play professional soccer or go to europe. maybe mine will though someday, right? maybe they point to a time in the future. maybe?

yeah. keep dreaming.

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