as a kid i used to have this dream--a nightmare really. and it would translate into a waking dream. in fact, that is the only way that i remember it now. i would be lying in bed trying to keep my eyes open, because as soon as i closed my eyes then it would come. i would feel myself in a giant room, and suddenly everything around me, the walls and the emptiness of that wide room, would fly away from me getting further and further away. nothing felt close, nothing felt reachable. it was extremely isolating in my mind and i can't really explain the full terror of it.
that's a little bit what my life feels like right now. distant.
what can you cling to when everything seems out of reach?
change makes life seem like it is falling away from you, and we try to salvage what we can. or we break clean and hope that what is new and in place of the old will in time come closer than that which was before. if the word "break" didn't convey enough we might need to note how we try to fix it up with "clean."
like one with a revolving door who thinks it better to go around and around than to enter into the place of destination, as if the choices will change after the next trip through. like magic. or maybe us. like superman.
we were not meant to break. we were made for communion. but damn aren't we picky about how we want it? and so we cut. and we bleed. and we wonder why it has to be so hard.
the pearl. our consolation price. it is not great. it is not the great. it's vanity.
the diamond. first prize. a coin flip for forever. maybe one day it will just click. tails; take it up the ass. or maybe a drunk driver will do it. and then it's time for your deep-sea search.
you will pry. you will cry. but your tears are swallowed by the sea. where else can you go though?
and if we believe old steinbeck, we won't think it's worth it. but no writer can convince our hearts.
so find those edge-pieces. hope the rest follow suit. 1000 at least for standards. there's no box to look at. but you've got to get it perfect. buy and sell your love until you get the right price. God will make up the difference.