in the cool of the night

there's nothing like a run at 1 in the morning. i feel sorry for girls because it isn't safe for them--but then again i'm not so sure it's safe for me. i always pick up my pace a bit when a random car happens to be out on the road and passes by me. still, it's a pleasure to run in cooler weather in the middle of july in kansas city. i hadn't really planned on running tonight. it just kind of happened. so there i was, on the road at 1a.m.

i watched the royals game tonight too. in fact, it's kind of what spurred me on to run. no, they did not win--but the game went 13 innings. in somewhat typical royals fashion, they blew a 2 run lead in the eighth and the game was tied. it stayed tied till the 11th when the white sox scored two runs because the umpire botched an interference call that would have kept the runs off the board (it was pretty clear on the reply). but then the royals came back and scored two in the bottom half to tie it again. john buck pinch hit with a runner in scoring position for a chance to win the game, but grounded out--that's ok, he did win the game yesterday. so the white sox scored in the 13th, and the royals came back and loaded the bases with only 1 out. but a double play ended the heartbreaking game.

now you may not care about the royals or baseball, but that was quite a game. all the royals had their rally caps on in the dugout just like they were still in little league. jose guillen was jumping up and down. it was fun. and then they lost. of course, the royals of years past never even would have put up that kind of fight and made it that far. the white sox are a first place team, and they have better players on their roster. but the royals could have won the game. they made some crucial mistakes and failed to execute when they had the chance. the white sox are not only a better team, they are a better trained team (though things are changing for the royals).

a couple years ago i lost a good amount of weight (isn't strange how it's weird to talk about that? i feel like a lot of the time people are either in some way ashamed of it or are way too proud of themselves. why is it so taboo?). i went to europe and benefited from all the walking, the smaller portions, and getting to play swiss semi-pro basketball for a terrible team. i don't think we won a game. but i had fun, scored lots of points, got a technical for throwing my headband, and got in shape. a lot of people lose weight when they go to europe, but the truth is i had been running quite a bit the summer before i went to get things started.

when i got back, people noticed of course. i remember one person telling me about a time they lost a bunch of weight working construction one summer, but then he gained it all back. he said i would gain it back too--not coldly, just matter of fact like. i remember someone close to me pointing to one of my senior photos from high school not long after it was taken and saying, "you'll probably never look better in your life than you do in that photo." i resented both those things, but they motivated me (eventually at least) to work hard and to stay in shape and even to lose a little more the following year. is this all too personal?

the smaller portion thing was great too. when i got back every meal out meant leftovers and another meal for later. it was great. but soon enough the portions and great food took over and i lost that smaller appetite. i still kept working out a lot though, and that was enough.

then i got a large cyst on my tail bone, shutting me down for a couple months. i'm just finally fully recovering and getting back to being active again--though the fear of it coming back is hard to overcome. i'm way out of shape and soft now. and laying around has taken it's toll. that and lots of amazing baked goods that are way to delicious for my own good. (doesn't mean i don't still love receiving them though! thank you! you know who you are!) so i'm back to the grind. and it's slow going off the start, trying to get back so much that was lost.

i'm running the same paths i ran for soccer in high school, though much slower of course. back then we had to run those 3 miles in under 21 minutes, and i'm a bit older now with a stiffer back and sorer joints. i remember in high school, at lunch the day of the big timed run. i watched one of our star players go get a coke out of the machine. not on the day of the run! you'll cramp up, not make it. of course he ran it in under 20 minutes still. i always had to be more careful though it seems. my body seems more averse to long distance running than others--that or i just don't know how to push myself like they do. but to so many it seems like it just comes so easy. and i resent that. i know that guy put in a lot of work so that a coke on the day wouldn't really matter, but it seems like it's always a combination of hard work and natural ability. some people have the metabolism of a hummingbird, eating whatever they want and maintaining a body fat percentage of 2.3. those people should be force-fed rice cakes while plates of donuts are dangled in front of them. mmm, donuts...

anyway, the run back then, and still today consists of a nice steep incline at 87th street off somerset. which is of course where i live. i live on top of a giant hill, and no matter where i run i will always have to end my run going straight up hill. unless of course i run my desired distance before i reach the hill and then i walk it for my cool down. that has been my strategy of late. still though, there is something that feels wrong walking up that hill. maybe it's all those days of coaches yelling during the last 5 minutes of practice while we were running, "4th quarter!" and "overtime!" and "18th hole!" ok maybe not that last one--but i'll tell you carrying your 30 pound clubs 18 holes for 5 hours for 7500 yards is no picnic. but walking that hill just seems like quitting.

so tonight, listening to my running mix on shuffle, i'm walking the hill and the training montage from rocky comes on (oh wouldn't you like to know what other gems are on my running mix!?!? if you beg enough maybe i'll post it in all its glory and hilarity! cds are $5. contact me). and though i'm leaning forward to maintain balance and i've already finished my couple miles for the night, i start to jog. not a quick run, but a jog. and then i slow down a bit, and then i run full out to my street.

maybe soon enough i'll be able to run that hill without stopping. maybe i'll pick up my pace and build back some of all that muscle i lost on the sick bed. and maybe, if i keep at it long enough, i'll be able to take those runs at 1p.m. in the heat of the day.

...heck no! what do you think i'm crazy? i see people running that time of day in all that humidity and i think they are insane! they're like the people who keep jogging at red stop lights. or the ones who run because they actually enjoy it. masochism is alive and well folks. those people are just nuts.

commitment

sometimes themes just become clear--whether it's in a book, a movie, or your own life. and then you look back on so much that you have done, so many events that you have walked through, and suddenly you understand why. maybe it won't all make sense, but you begin to see that there is something larger at work in it all. you are learning something. and sometimes it takes a few things and a couple of weeks, maybe a couple of months. then there are the lessons that somehow seem to be the theme of your life, or at least perhaps this long season.

i wrote about a burden a couple posts ago. more simply put (in case it was too long a read for you ;) ), it was about how we are all "condemned to be free" to use sartre's phrase. my longing in response to that, was to just have someone wise to lead me along the way--a spiritual director. we all hunger for this guidance in our lives to some extent, though the expressions may be different. like this quote from a movie i watched recently, "parents have an unfair advantage over us. we want to believe them. and even when we don't believe them, we still just want to be with them." but i suppose sooner or later we are all confronted with our own freedom, and that no one can make our choices but ourselves.

no i suppose guidance is not such a bad thing, but it is never complete and it will never be enough to overcome your fears--no matter how much you trust your guide. even if God is your guide, and you believe you are close enough to him to be led every step of the way, i don't think he'd do it. he doesn't control us like that. in some way that wouldn't be loving.

i think a lot of times in my life i have been searching for the way to just break free of it all. to escape all the trappings that are created by...well, life. you can try to attach it more specifically to society, parents, culture, money, jobs, etc. whatever it is, the object is not really the problem. it is life. and it has its problems. there are things that are good to break free from--life cannot be one of them. and running away, in whatever form is not the answer. i feel like i've received enough grace to avoid that mistake.

ok let's bring this in. what am i really talking about here? i suppose it's all about commitment. maybe i don't have the wisdom to make the decisions that are before me, or maybe i do. either way i have to make them--and it's not going to help if i wait or when i'm older, because the decisions are before me here and now and they will just change. and you have to decide what it is you are going to commit yourself to.

because the fact of the matter is that at the heart of all of this is fear. the fear of "what if...?" all fear is rooted in desire, and this one is in the desire to do things right. i've seen enough of everything done wrong and the pain it causes, and i've set my life upon a course to learn how to do everything right. but the goal of life is not to avoid pain, or even to make all the right decisions. i've realized that i'm not afraid of pain (though i act on that fear so much), but rather what i'm really afraid of is meaninglessness. and the answer to meaninglessness is truth, which is found not in the answers but in the questions themselves. questions that lead to more questions.

long ago i learned that somehow it wasn't about doing everything right and to full completion, but just to try. the weight is too great if i think i have to begin with full assurance of what all will come of it. that's why i avoid goals, because i say to myself, "what if things change?" and this is a problem because i bind myself to what i set out to do, because anything less will be a cop out and a failure. otherwise what's the point of setting the goal in the first place? "i'm afraid of beginning because i don't know how to end."

these lessons just keep coming back up constantly in my life. they are the themes--because i just can't seem to remember them the first time? hope, not fear. gaze. try. it's not quite commitment--but it's the first step. i suppose you have to try to put yourself in position to make a commitment. i need to learn how to do this in the concrete. i can do this broadly, choosing to be with God through it all. it's the smaller decisions that seem much harder, because they are far less clear.

i'm not going to do everything right. i'm going to make mistakes. i'm going to hurt people, and myself. i have to accept that. that is part of life. and i must hope that people will afford me grace. and that the good i do will have more meaning than all the mistakes. that the night will not take my heart. that God will give me much when i gaze into him. that i am his beloved. then i will be able to chose, to commit.

if i had a soundtrack to this season of my life, i think it would be this. especially the first 4 songs.

kierkegaard

"The highest of all is not to understand the highest, but to act upon it."

postmodern malaise

i've always been an indecisive person. at least i think so. i'm really not sure. (yes that's a joke, sort of). actually sometimes i wonder if i'm truly indecisive or if i just grew up with two older sisters so i got used to not really getting my way. when your suggestions for what you want never get picked eventually you just cope with the disappointment and decide that it's better not to have an opinion so as not to be disappointed. you baby's of the family out there know what i'm talking about. unless you were the type to throw a fit and get your way. in that case i'm not sure whether to congratulate your effectiveness or question the will-power of your older siblings. (that was a joke too--ah parentheticals, isn't this such a helpful post?)

being indecisive may lead to problems when it comes to picking where to go out to eat, what clothes to buy, what music to listen to at any given moment, etc. sometimes you can pass it off as being overly considerate of the other person's need, which actually is probably somewhat often the case.

but then there are the times when being indecisive gets you into real trouble--deciding what college to go to, who to marry, 2 kids or 3, what job to do, which is the salad fork? not having the right answer for those things can get you into some real trouble. how can we know what the right answer is?

you see part of the problem lies in this time of life i think. youth is wasted on the young they say, and this is something like that--only in between. when i was young i thought i was just like adults (probably because debate taught me how to out-argue them), but i wasn't. i certainly lacked a degree of consciousness. i had no real idea the impact of the decisions i was making, what they meant to my life, how they would effect the course of my life. i had a vague idea i guess, and people told me that was the case--but i didn't really feel the burden of it. i don't know that i could have.

but now i feel that burden. all the time. the major decisions of life stare me down. they face everyone, and how you decide means so much. i've always been averse to making the decisions out of practicality. a lot of people make that choice to do -fill in the blank- because they must. they must make money, have a job, move forward in life. they make the decision not because it's what they really want, but because it is there and they wouldn't mind it most likely. or people avoid this decision-making as long as they can, going to grad school simply because they don't know what to do yet, or taking some time "off" from "real" life--perhaps traveling or wandering in whatever way. but sooner or later the demands of the reality of life press in and you must make decisions--that is if you want to eat and not live in your parents' basement, or upper room (a more modern development actually with the growth of independence--more on this later*).

it's not just major life decisions. it's also normal important decisions, at your job or with people in life. to make a decision you have to cut yourself off from every other possibility that could have come before that decision was made. and so you lose that. you lose something you never would have had, but still somehow possessed in your mind as opportunity. and you have to make a choice, for not making a choice is a choice in itself--and is far worse of course. then you lose all opportunity. but why is the decision to one thing not enough? sometimes it is. but often it isn't. things will go badly at times, and i don't know how you can continue without looking back and asking the question, "did i make the right decision" somewhat frequently.

perhaps the problem, as one of my friends suggests, is *autonomy. there used to be a time when we didn't have to make those decisions. marriage was arranged. you did the job of your family. you didn't really move because there was no need to, and no real opportunity elsewhere. sure we treasure our freedom, but we also long for a much more simple life in some ways. statistics show that hatians, who living in an ancient simplicity making less than a thousand dollars a year, are actually generally happier than americans.

the 4th of july is approaching, and while we will celebrate our country and freedom and all that, i'm asking the question if maybe freedom is not good all the time in any form. because when it comes down to it, there is no way that at 24 i have the capacity to treat my freedom with the wisdom and responsibility it truly requires. when i was younger i could make decisions because i was ignorant. when i'm older, perhaps i'll have less consequence to my choices, but then perhaps i'll have a little more wisdom when facing them. but what about this time? two aspects for now:

1. we have put ourselves, the individual, in control. we think we always know what's best for ourselves. and what have we received? narcissism, depression, multifrenicism (always trying on different hats), shallow living (when we deny the problem and cope with any number of entertaining distractions), and the inability to trust ourselves.

2. we also sometimes put ourselves in charge of knowing what's best for others. simply put, this is called authority. when i see people who are willing to make those hard decisions (for themselves or for others), i think they are either ignorant or have great courage. and if the decision implies leading other people and narrowing their direction, i tend to find that audacious and have a difficult time doing that myself. even when you want the best for them and desire to lead them into a good place, you're still going to make mistakes--and now at the expense of others too. where does the authority come from? and unless you have this authority (can it be without audacity?) how can you make that decision?

i think this is something that we could call the postmodern malaise.

i have a deep sense and desire for spiritual direction in me. i think this might be something growing in people. i read a book about the modern despair: the moviegoer by walker percy. of course it was written in 1960, but a part of it in particular stretches into today i think. one of the characters came to the conclusion that she just needed religion, but not of the sort we know. we are much too particular to be led by a church, we can maybe find the one that is good enough to go to--but to submit to it and really let it lead us. never. no, she chooses a man as the object of her religion. she tells him that the only way she will make it is if he always tells her exactly what to do, then she won't be afraid to do it. not because she trusts him as some great man of wisdom or faith, but because he is "not religious." she says of him, "you are the unmoved mover. you don't need God or anyone else--no credit to you, unless it is a credit to be the most self-centered person alive. i don't know whether i love you, but i believe in you and i will do what you tell me." he's unmoved because he is extremely passive. he has no care or passion or want for anything in life. that's one way to avoid fear--want nothing. of course she would do what God would tell her to do. but when she talks about that option she just leaves it there, almost as if it is just quite fanciful or simply impossible.

i have a propensity of mysticism in me for sure. and i've always desired the sort of relationship made up of constant communication with God. i want to do what he wants me to do. of course i don't always go to God with every decision and i don't have that relationship--though i'm striving towards it hopefully. and yet at times it seems like lots of decisions are left up to us, even when we ask for God's direction. probably a good thing, since we would blame him for it when things went not exactly as well as we would wish them or expect. i don't quite fully understand this though... so it is better to not have direction? when sometimes there is no one right direction? how do you choose then? my conclusion of the best option available is dreadfully insufficient.

i think this is as far as i can take these thoughts now. sure it's quite a long entry i know, but it's not like i've come to any real conclusions here. except that i really want a spiritual director. a wise old mystic. are you out there? oh but i already knew i wanted that. i'll sit with these thoughts and maybe write more later. and i would love your impressions and thoughts.

golf

i play golf. it's true. you might have to know me fairly well to know this--or not. but that's the funny thing about it. golf is such a strange and unique hobby, activity, sport, recreation, passion. it's almost as if it's unlike anything else. and the strange thing about it is that if you don't play, then you won't understand easily, and i'm not sure how to put it into words.

i grew up going to play at a fancy high-end private club in kc. the kids and women were/are snotty. the older guys aren't so bad mostly though. it's an elitist society. i can't stand it. but the sport gives me great memories, and it's something i share with my dad. it's weird to think that most the people at that club make way more in a day than i make in a month. ha. and they let me in...

but really, what other sport or activity is so sequestered? people make these private clubs for giant plots of land with finely shaped grass, sand, and water. topped with a giant clubhouse where people treat you as they are servants in your own mansion, so long as you're wearing the proper attire.

every now and then i look at a certain activity, something that a group of humans are engaging in, and i think to myself, "what in the world would someone who had no cultural context for this (like an alien or something) think if they saw us doing this?" they would think we are so weird. case in point: the circus.

the game itself though has a strange aura around it. there is something in it that draws people out to keep playing. it is a ferocious mind battle, the focus it requires. one slight alteration in your swing will change the flight of the ball drastically. there is so much to think about: how you hold your hands, where to place the ball in your stance, the wind, where the trouble is, where to miss, taking the back-swing right, turning the hands, keeping the hips still, holding the shoulder closed, etc. and it changes with every shot. it's all in your head. and yet you are around 3 other people who are all going through the same process over and over.

the thing about golf is, you can go out with someone and spend 4-5 hours, hardly talking all that much, and walk off the course knowing them quite well. golf brings out a lot about a person's character. you can tell so much about a person by the way they respond to a bad shot, the way they practice before taking a shot, the way they respond to other's shots.

another thing about golf is that it affords so much sucking. you can be just about worse at it than anything else in your life, but of your 118 strokes that day you hit one that was just high and beautiful and right down the middle. and you'll be coming back for more.

i have no idea if this is interesting to any of you. i can't really convey it very well--especially the comedy behind it all. surrounded by mansions, hitting a little white ball ($4 a pop with high-tech cores to fly far and land soft) with highly forged pieces of iron and tungsten and whoever knows what other metals. you're disconnected from the world for those few hours, and it might seem like you're spending them in nature if it all wasn't so weird with everything around you so artificial.

still, i love it for whatever reason. oh and the guy we played on thursday gave me a cigar from a certain country that makes great cigars...shhh! dont' tell!

tenderness

"the problem of contemporary life is that morality is based on so-called tenderness, not on justice or a sound idea of the human person or the dignity due the least of us."

"In the absence of faith, we govern by tenderness. It is a tenderness which, long since cut off from the person of Christ, is wrapped in theory. When tenderness is detached from the source of tenderness, its logical outcome is terror. It ends in forced-labor camps and in the fumes of the gas chamber."
--Flannery O'Connor


I just find this idea so fascinating. Usually it seems the other way around--that those in search of truth or those who hold up right and wrong are the ones who end up inflicting pain on people. The story goes that the monster comes out of fanaticism. This is true, but it is not the only truth.

I watched an interesting movie tonight. It was called Youth Without Youth--the new movie from Francis Ford Coppola. I can't say that I really understood it, but one of the themes was what to do with power. If the ends can really justify the means, and if one will choose to use their power for good or for evil. It seems like most stories lead their character to the breaking point, and it is tenderness, the goodness in their heart that pulls them back from the brink. This movie was no exception.

Is this true to life though? Is a warmth of the heart going to pull us through the darkest despair? Is it going to lead us to do the right thing when great temptation is before us? when fear looms large? Maybe we can find it for the beautiful innocent person, but what about those different from us? That's where it seems to fail. We have no tenderness for our enemies. Why should we? So in fear we persecute our enemies, and all those associated with them.

On a smaller scale, I think I tend to make a lot of decisions based on the judge of "tenderness," or what we might call "the most loving option." The law of love as a guide to morality is only as good as our understanding of love. Our love is tenderness, and I think it lacks the sense of justice and righteousness that is in love--and probably lots of other things too. How do I really know what the most loving option is? Well I have to do my best to try to find that, but too often we avoid difficulty or tension because it is not the tender thing to do--though it might be the most loving.

Do we have the courage to love like it should be done? Can we love terrorists? Can we love each other without being so afraid to step on toes? These are the questions I'm asking tonight.

an evening with david sedaris

last night david sedaris was at rainy day books. i heard about it just the day before, so i thought i would head on down there and hear him reading, maybe get a book signed. if you don't know who david sedaris is, well and even if you do--watch this.

unfortunately, the thought in my head of "oh i'll show up at 6:30 and that will be plenty of time" was sorely off. if i'd have known how long the whole thing would take to hear his reading and get a personalized book signing i would never have stayed the whole time. but as it was, seven hours later i made my way home after the following conversation:

david: "are you 'luke'?"
luke: "yes that's me, i'm one of the selfish ones getting the book signed for himself."
david: "so do you have to go to work in the morning?" (it's 1:30am at this point)
luke: "well kind of, not really."
david: "could you do your job if you were paralyzed?"
luke: "well yeah actually probably."
david: "so not a lot of walking, climbing stairs?"
luke: "no not really."
david: "oh that's good. do you know any paralyzed people?"
luke: "i don't think i do actually. do you?"
david: "no i don't either. most people don't actually. i recommend that you just spend some time by a ramp."
luke: "oh well there's one right outside."
david: "well good then. you can just stand there for awhile and you'll probably run into one."

i thanked him for signing my book and i opened it as i was walking away. he had scribbled: "to luke, i'm so happy that you can walk."

another things i learned throughout the entire ordeal:
-in france you can get milkshakes made with breast milk (from david)
-a french roll from hen house can sustain you a really long time
-the rainy day parking lot is actually not all that uncomfortable
-people are really interesting
-i was in fact hit on by a slightly intoxicated woman in her upper 30s
-david takes notes for his stories a lot from the things around him. one time he watched his sister lean back in her chair and get her teeth flossed for 3 minutes by her pet parrot. she leaned her head up and looked at david, already with his notebook out, and said, "no."

*edit. also forgot to mention that david was drawing pictures in lots of people's books. them throwing up was a common one. also there were a lot of pictures of abraham lincoln. one guy i talked to said he drew a picture of an owl with a text bubble coming from it saying "i like black people."

confession

it's come out of the closet--literally. very few people have known about this before now. wait wait, i'll explain.

one of the things about the protestant tradition is its under-use and under-emphasis of the sacraments. of course, going with my at-times quaker sympathies i also see the side of how perhaps they are not necessary for anything, and only detract from our mystical connection with God--setting our focus on the physical. that's probably a really poor description of why they don't feel the need for sacraments, but this whole debate is one i'm not really wanting to get into here.

more importantly, i see the need and purpose of symbols in our lives. tillich gives a wonderful explanation of their function: "the language of faith is the language of symbols" because "man's ultimate concern [faith] must be expressed symbolically, because symbolic language alone is able to express the ultimate."

bible college was a very significant year for me. God did some great healing in me, and i learned much about living as a disciple. towards the end of my year there i took a trip to calgary with a good friend of mine. while in the mall i found a symbol. it was kind of expensive, but after some consideration i decided that it was a very good memento for my time and all God had done in me. it would remind me of how i needed to fight for my heart, and for others. that there is much going on in the spiritual realm that i need to be constantly aware of.

i brought it home, kept in its box. i thought, i will put this up someday when i own a home. well that's getting farther and farther away, if i even live the sort of life where i would own my own home. and so it's sat in my closet in my room for 5 years. until now. it is set out in the corner of my room for me to remember. to see the battle always before me.

i have a giant 5 foot scottish claymore broadsword in my room.

sure its funny considering i am pretty much a pacifist. but it's the symbolism. braveheart has always been my favorite movie--not only does it have the major theme of father-son relationships, it also presents the theme of calling forth people to really live. there is much this movie stirs in me. and there is much this sword represents beyond that movie. if i could explain to you all that this symbol meant to me than it wouldn't be a symbol. but a symbol must be seen to be functional. and so now it is in the open.

well, we didn't get dressed up for nothing.

nouwen

"Giving yourself to others without expecting anything in return is only possible when you have been fully received. Every time you discover that you expect something in return for what you have given or are disappointed when nothing comes back to you, you are being made aware that you yourself are not yet fully received. Only when you know yourself as unconditionally loved--that is, fully received--by God can you give gratuitously. Giving without wanting anything in return is trusting that all your needs will be provided for by the One who loves you unconditionally. It is trusting that you do not need to protect your own security but can give yourself completely to the service of others.

"Faith is precisely trusting that you who give gratuitously will receive gratuitously, but not necessarily from the person to whom you gave. The danger is in pouring yourself out to others in the hope that they will fully receive you. You will soon feel as if others are walking away with parts of you. You cannot give yourself to others if you do not own yourself, and you can only truly own yourself when you have been fully received in unconditional love.

"A lot of giving and receiving has a violent quality, because the givers and receivers act more out of need than out of trust. What looks like generosity is actually manipulation, and what looks like love is really a cry for affection or support. When you know yourself as fully loved, you will be able to give according to the other's capacity to receive, and you will be able to receive according to the other's capacity to give. You will be grateful for what is given to you without clinging to it, and joyful for what you can give without bragging about it. You will be a free person, free to love."



this is what i want.

brother roger

"a heart resolved to love can radiate goodness without limits."

blessed week

this week is a great time. not only is my lifelong friend getting married this saturday--a great event in and of itself. but it is also national donut week! some say it's just the first of june, some say it's the first friday in june (which is today), and others think there is way to much donut love for just one day.

total donuts consumed so far this week: 11. wow, i'm almost to a dozen. i don't think i will have any problem getting there by tomorrow.

so go out and enjoy a donut. and get a real donut, not just some poor excuse for what some might mistake as a delicious circle of glorious delight.

question #1: favorite donut shop?
question #2: favorite donut?

and answer now.

cold

today i was listening to the new coldplay album*--not thoroughly impressed, but only my first listen. i was also going around the internet and reading some blogs. the last song on the album came on and it was sort of waning out in sound, and then it picked back up and started sounding really good. i said to myself, "oo, i like this." i checked my itunes to see that there were only about 40 seconds left. then i went back to the blog i was reading and i realized that it was playing a radiohead song off its page. ha. no wonder it sounded so good.

*yes i realize it's not out yet. i know a guy.

permanence

"Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
--John 16:33

just to the left of the computer screen of my laptop at my desk here in manhattan is a window sill. the blinds are closed all the way, only because i haven't been in town recently. a piece of yellow post-it is sticking out below the blinds. i've had several quotes on different note cards and post-its there for some time now. i don't remember what this one says. let me check. it says "listen to the divine whisper," something i have been having a hard time with recently, but am coming back to.

below that, what first drew my attention, is two small vertical strips of poster tape, each with bits of torn photo paper still attached to them. i took down this photo as i was moving out for the summer. it was of a hiker walking down a railed curvy road with autumn trees all around. i doubt anyone in my room would have noticed it, tucked back like it was. that was the point. and it spoke something very meaningful to me. let me peel off one of the strips of tape now.

to my right there are a bunch of pictures of scenic locations all around europe. i have thought about taking them down more recently--it's almost more painful to see them and remember all the places i've been and am very far away from now. but they're still up. they're quite beautiful places.

at my other house in manhattan in the past i decorated my room with several big bulletin boards covered in pictures from my life--CBC, family, friends. i surrounded myself with the memories of good times. there are less pictures of people in my room anymore. as nice as the memories are, sometimes its even harder to have their faces there before you. frames tucked away in closets and drawers. i have an internet filter for facebook. ok maybe not.

the past has always been a difficult thing for me. i've always had a hard time letting go of relationships. i never accepted the phrase, "some people are there for just a season of your life." it is the reality of life now, but it wasn't always this way. transience is a much more recent phenomenon, especially to the degree we feel it now.

i one heard that we were created for permanence. that death and separation is not the way things are supposed to be. but in our individualistic culture we don't even need death anymore. we create our own separation. we put people to death in our lives long before they are ever dead. what can you do though? you have to go off to college. you have to move to where you can get a job. or sometimes it isn't forced, but each passing away brings the chance for something new, something fresh. maybe then we will have the relationships we wanted, the friends who care slightly more about us, the right weather to affect our disposition.

(side note: i think the fact that we as americans are so dictated by the weather, especially in our countenance and happiness says much about our lack of constitution and inner peace that we can be so affected by such minor external circumstances--i mean, can we face trials and sorrows with hope and courage when a cloudy or windy or cold day ruins us? don't worry, i'm guilty too.)

some people it seems thrive on transience though. they are always changing, always moving, looking to the next thing. i think i am suspicious of these people--like i believe that they move forward so fast and so hard that they never give themselves the chance to look inward. and though that is probably most often the case, perhaps there is a degree of movement that we are called to, even if we are not made for it. the son of man had no place to lay his head. as christians, we are sent out to be salt and light to the world, to be aliens and strangers, enduring hardships and struggles. and yet our bodies cry out inwardly for the redemption of our bodies, the renewal and resurrection of all that is good. that is the ultimate permanence that we seek.

still though, i look at the bare spot on my wall where the picture used to be, and i see the image of what was once there. and then the tape and the residue creating a frame of emptiness. there are times when we come to a place of emptiness, and our desire for permanence tempts us to set up a home there despite its bleakness. when we are called forward we must not tarry. but if we do not know where to go, will we wander?--wander seeking or wander leaving? keep moving till you find the way, till that word is given. do not set up camp and wait for it.

we are called to go out and to move, but not alone. i think the permanence we long for is not found in a place, a city, a neighborhood, a home. it's found in the people who are there with us all the time. of course ultimately everyone and everything passes away and Jesus is our only constant--but God wants us to have the permanence of true community, of rich friendships, of love. and it is never easy when that is lost or changed. but take heart, for he has overcome the world. despite how distant that seems from the reality of your life, take heart. take it firmly. it's not easy. take it.

george macdonald

"they are blessed to whom a wonder is not a fable, to whom a mystery is not a mockery, to whom a glory is not an unreality--who are content to ask, "is it like Him?"

like a child

the entryway to my house is made up of a marble flooring, variously shaped pieces held together by a black grout. as a kid, wearing my chiefs sweatpants i used to slide on my knees across this floor, making diving catches of my white and red rubber chiefs football. i also used to throw a bouncy ball off this floor and let it bounce high around all the walls, hoping to avoid hitting the hanging glass light. that didn't last very long, mostly because of the many marks on the white walls. such a small, inconsequential room--only a hallway really. yet it holds so much.

i was standing just outside that room a moment ago, staring at the floor and trying to remember something. and then i saw the shapes. it's been a long time since i looked at that floor closely. and i suddenly remembered how i used to really look at it. why you may ask? no i wasn't a distant child, entertained by balls of twine and rubber bands. there are really interesting shapes, mostly because a lot of them look like the shapes of the states. i used to make it a game how many of the fifty states i could find. i don't remember how many i came up with ultimately. but right in the center of the room dead on is nebraska right underneath minnesota. not geographically accurate i know, but that's not the point. it looks just like them. i'm not making shapes in the clouds here.

i walk over that floor all the time. maybe you've walked over it even. have you ever noticed nebraska and minnesota? i haven't in at least 10 years i'm sure. and it just got me thinking about the things you notice as a kid, forced to find some sort of interest because the conversations and entertaining distractions do not hold their power over you for very long. i've never been a very observant person, even as a kid probably. but in those little shapes i see the playfulness and attention that fades so quickly when we have so much to do.

so now i'm reminded, and at least for a few days, maybe even a few hours i'll be thinking about what else i should be noticing.

mates of state

sick beard

shaving is somewhat of a curse to the race of men. sure sure women too--but jobs don't make you shave every day! (of course mine doesn't make me shave at all) that's beside the point. the point is, shaving every day gets really old. so i don't. thankfully i can do that. others do not have that luxury.

however, it is one of the natural courses of things that when a man gets sick he stops shaving. perhaps because he doesn't have to--that's part of it. but also to let everyone know, hey, something is not right here. that's right, the sick beard. loud and clear--"hey everyone, i'm sick." it communicates that not only am i sick, but i'm a man, and i am wounded. i am fragile--that's why i have this manly beard now. i'm too sick to shave.

so, as you might imagine--i now look something like this:

i do actually have a sick beard, though it's a bad time for a beard and i am feeling better. perhaps i'll shave soon, even though i have made it well past the itchy stage and that is half the battle.


in other news about this time last year i was driving across the country and back, both ways. i believe gas is about twice as expensive now as it was then. who has good timing? yeah that's what i thought.

buechner

"Christ never promises peace in the sense of no more struggle and suffering. Instead, he helps us to struggle and suffer as he did, in love, for one another. Christ does not give us security in the sense of something in this world, some cause, some principle, some value, which is forever. Instead, he tells us that there is nothing in this world that is forever, all flesh is grass. He does not promise us unlonely lives. His own life speaks loud of how, in a world where there is little love, love is always lonely. Instead of all these, the answer that he gives, I think, is himself. If we go to him for anything else, he may send us away empty or he may not. But if we go to him for himself, I believe that we go away always with this deepest of all our hungers filled."

how well do you know the world?

warning: this is fairly addicting. love it though. so greatful for those map placemats as a kid!

http://www.travelpod.com/traveler-iq

update

good-/bad~:
- the hole in my back/butt that was about 2 inches deep is now about 1 inch deep
~ i have a 1 inch hole by my tailbone
- i can kind of sit down for awhile, especially on hard surfaces and if i lean forward
~ i have a nasty form of strep throat now--hurts every time i swallow, fevers, ears ache (this is getting kind of ridiculous)
- my open wound no longer has to be unpacked and packed every day (that was painful)
~ i have to clean and dress my wound with gauze multiple times a day
- i'm off that really stupid high maintenance antibiotic that also made me feel sick
~ i'm on a new antibiotic for my throat, and the pills are the size of a fun-size snickers...ok not quite, but my throat is the problem--not a good combination!
- i can kind of drive now--not my car though, it's a stick
~ i'm stuck at home most of the day, and i'm almost running out of books to read (they're all in manhattan)
- i've gotten a lot of reading done
~ i miss people. i miss manhattan. i've missed the whole end of the year there :(
- i've also seen some good movies, one of which--darjeeling limited, love it!

ok i promise i'll have a post not about all this crap sometime soon--or maybe something i've learned from all of it. still waiting on that learning something from all this part. or you know, why all this is coming down so hard. but hey, if you're in kc and want to come sit with me, watch a movie, read, say hello, whatever. that'd be awesome.

64

so i had a cyst pulled out of my back today. it was about the most painful experience of my life. it feels like i have a hole where my tailbone used to be. i of course still can't sit down. i hobble around when i manage to get up. i'm on a lot of vicatin. and i thought i felt old before. well, if you're in kc, drop me a visit--i'll just be laying around. oh, and i'll probably be out of commission on here for a bit too. tomorrow morning=very painful follow-up procedure. woo-hoo. peace my friends.

extras

sitting sick

those of you still able to sit down, consider yourself lucky.

those of you who haven't had a fever the past 2 weeks, consider yourself lucky.

those of you who haven't experienced violent bodily rejections in the past 2 weeks, consider yourself lucky.

those of you who can still withstand direct sunlight, consider yourself lucky.

those of you who are not sick, consider yourself lucky.


yes i am ranting. i'm so tired of being sick. and being sick only being able to sit with great posture or lay on your stomach. save your pity. save your health. and lean back in a nice rocking chair for me. (don't ask)

ps is anyone else considering using native indic script for their blog? you blogspotters will know what i'm talking about.

tagged

Tagged by:

Rustin

The rules are:

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about himself or herself.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. Ten years ago I was doing . . .

I was in eighth grade. At this time in the spring I was playing baseball and living like an awkward middle-schooler, just about to come out of those weird years.

2. 5 Things on Today’s To Do List

1. Have lunch with Jenna
2. Have coffee with Nathan
3. Spend an hour in prayer
4. Go to lifegroup
5. Call my momma (that's not a joke)

3. Things I’d do if I were a billionaire.

If I were a billionaire I'm pretty sure I would hire classical musicians to play life background music for me whenever I wanted. That's all.

4. 3 Bad Habits

1. Constantly listening to music, always in the background
2. Reading far too many books at once
3. Running on my heels

5. Five Places I’ve lived

1. Leawood, KS
2. Prairie Village, KS
3. Strathmore, Alberta (Canada)
4. Manhattan, KS
5. Lugano, CH (Switzerland)

6. Five Jobs I’ve had in life

1. Grocery Sacker
2. Hillcrest Summer Staffer
3. Medical Records Attendant
4. Christ Church Summer Staffer
5. Ichthus Staff

7. Tagged Ones

1. Cooper
2. Kelly
3. Sara
4. Graham (yes, again--get on it!)
5. Anyone else...

even birds

i was thinking about the last post, after a read a story about a man who was sitting with a famous botanist in a field. they were looking at a tree just in front of them when the botanist remarked, "i would like to know something about that tree." he of course knew everything to know about that tree inside and out from a systematic and scientific viewpoint. but he did not know that tree. what was its experience? what had it seen? and no, cutting in down and counting the rings isn't going to solve any of those problems.

i feel like i projected this on my last post, from what i know of blue jays (nasty, mean birds) and cardinals (personally sympathetic because they are my mother's favorite birds).

i think i've been found saying that i want to orient my life around truth. the last thing i want to do is be living a lie. that requires tough questions--of that i at least say i'm willing. it also requires docility--posturing yourself to learn from others. that i also will always try to do. but it also requires seeing the world outside of the conceptions that you have of it. taking things simply for what they are, what you see in front of you.

we make assumptions of all kinds, all the time. we have to in order to get through the day. but maybe simplicity answers that there are far more important things than getting through the day. i'm sure that on so many levels i don't even know where i am blinded. it's a good thing i have a God who sees all, and i look to him questioningly with the eyes of a child.

`

today i've been noticing birds. i stood outside for a moment to clear my head, and there they were.

a blue jay, flying across the branches, from limb to limb, pecking occasionally at the buds. it's head always twisting every which direction. jittery.

a cardinal, hopping along a branch, only rarely moving its head. or maybe just the deep black from the neck up hid its slight movements with the stillness of its bright red body.

they would both fly from branch to branch, and then wind up on some sort of electrical wire.

a robin flew in front of me while i was walking too. not too close, just a few feet away.

i may or may not have talked to each of these birds. if i did, the blue jay didn't seem to pay much attention, but the cardinal was patiently attentive. the robin was in too much of a hurry.

there was also a bunny laying on the gravel in the parking lot behind our house. there's a family of them who have made their home back there. i've seen the baby scamper across the driveway through my headlights late one night. it's a sad place for a home i think.

i don't know what any of this means, or why i wanted to post it. maybe to be more observant. sometimes i'm not very good at that. maybe to stumble upon some sort of artistic point (is that an oxymoron?). anyway, take it for what it is.

church of trees

emptiness

This is where you are. This is a great place of emptiness. "Empty space tends to create fear...but filling up every empty corner and occupying every empty time...becomes more oppressive than revealing."

Not long before, the word was "emerging." Emerging into...what? I did not expect this. I thought it would be into something grand and glorious. What is fulfillment? and why do we always think we will find it around the next turn? Fulfillment.

In coming to this place, I almost asked God to fill it. But what sort of prayer is that? Is it not just another way of escape? If we can come to the place where we allow ourselves to see the emptiness and space, would it not be a disservice of God to take that from us? He does not fill it like some "God-shaped hole." No, it is as a voice echoes through a great hall. It is filled with a presence, but it is still quite empty.

Do not fear that word, empty. Every one of us has greater emptiness in us than we allow ourselves to know. See it as an opportunity, a greater space to grow into. Just as a family grows it needs more space, so does your soul. Finding the emptiness is finding the space to grow. If you do not let fear fill that space with any sort of distraction. To be there, to take it in, to accept it and God by your side--not a distant force that swells in the recesses to make you feel better. There you know him. And there you become something new. And the place becomes something grander than anything brand new.

more nouwen

usually i just put up one quote, but in this case it is just all far too good. really, the whole chapter, or the full book--heck, why not just read everything nouwen's ever written? but this will do for starters.

from Reaching Out:

"When we feel lonely we have such a need to be liked and loved that we are hypersensititve to the many signals in our environment and easily become hostile toward anyone whom we perceive as rejecting us. But once we have found the center of our life in our own heart and have accepted our aloneness, not as a fate but as a vocation, we are able to offer freedom to others. Once we have given up our desire to be fully fulfilled, we can offer emptiness to others."

"Poverty of mind as a spiritual attitude is a growing willingness to recognize the incomprehensibility of the mystery of life. the more mature we become the more we will be able to give up our inclination to grasp, catch, and comprehend the fullness of life and the more we will be ready to let life enter into us."

"That is the poverty of the mind. It demands the continuing refusal to identify God with any concept, theory, document or event, thus preventing man or woman from becoming a fanatic sectarian or enthusiast, while allowing for an ongoing growth in gentleness and receptivity."

then about poverty of the heart: "God cannot be identified with a good affectionate feeling toward our neighbor, or with a sweet emotion of the heart, or with ecstasies, movements of the body or handling of snakes. God is not just our good inclinations, our fervor, our generosity or our love. All these experiences of the heart may remind us of God's presence, but their absence does not prove God's absence. God is not only greater than our mind, he is also greater than our heart, and just as we have to avoid the temptation of adapting God to our small concepts we also have to avoid adapting him to our small feelings...But when we are willing to detach ourselves from making our own limited experience the criterion for our approach to others, we may be able to see that life is greater than our life, history is greater than our history, experience greater than our experience and God greater than our God."

"To help, to serve, to care, to guide, to heal, these words were all used to express a reaching out toward our neighbor whereby we perceive life as a gift not to possess but to share."

chocolat croissant

i had a chocolate croissant at the roasterie cafe today. it was delicious. i haven't had one since i was in italy. it's interesting the things that spark memories. every time i went south out of switzerland down into italy, the train would always transfer in milan at the large beautiful station there (which was about the only beautiful thing in milan, besides the duomo (3rd largest in the world) and i suppose da vinci's last supper painting--i'm not kidding, don't waste your time there. oh, i guess i also saw an ac milan futbol match there which was stellar (they won the uefa cup that year too!)). enough parenthesis! back to the story. anyway, during the layovers in the station my buddy bill and i would always go into this little shop and get chocolate croissants. every time, without fail. and i think that was the only place i would really get them. i don't know why i didn't get them other places, i just didn't. so now, probably for the rest of my life, whenever i get a chocolate croissant i will think of the train station in milan.

what crazy or fun memory associations do you have with objects or places?

Flight of the Conchords

how have i not blogged about these guys before? most of you probably already know, but oh man, so good. it was tough picking which song to put on, as there are so many good ones. i highly recommend their show.

by its cover

so, a few weeks ago i gave a friend of mine a ride somewhere. while on the way she carried with her a little baggy of cereal. a snack or a poor substitute for dinner? you tell me. in any event, she offered to share some and i really liked it. i hadn't had it before. now you must understand, cereal is a precious thing for me. i tend to not like very many kinds--and the kinds that i do like i very often get sick of it fairly quickly.* case in point: frosted mini-wheats. i defy you to eat more than 10 bowlfuls and still desire to eat more after that. (of course, not having a garbage disposal at my old house and therefore needing to dump any remains down the toilet did not help).

*exception to the rule--any cereal that has cinnamon in it. cinnamon toast crunch (off brand is actually better, but worse for you health-wise), cinnamon life, etc.

ok, so i didn't know what this new amazing cereal was--but i knew it was a form of cheerios, and that it had oat clusters in it. that wouldn't be too hard to find. perusing the cereal isle at the grocery store proved surprisingly difficult. anyone else think we have way too many options? for everything. also surprisingly, the cheerio products were mostly all on the bottom. i spotted a cinnamon-apple type, but refrained. i was on a specific mission. finally i followed the arc of cheerio products up to the eye-level row and many different newer kinds of spiced up cheerios. i found what i was looking for. my heart sank.
what?!? i mean, really. that's the cover you put on this particular cereal box? you know what you've done--you've just alienated 50% of your market**, you realize that don't you? it's the same reason i've never read that chapman book, the five love languages, even though it sounds very interesting--the cover is all pink and purple with a flowery heart. oh, and a side note--i don't read books with shiny covers either. a good rule to live by.

**actually it's probably more like 48%, because i believe there are more women than men in the US(according to the 2000 census. yeah, that's right, this blog does some in depth research). of course that's also not taking into account that the ratio of shoppers for cereal is perhaps a bit higher among women. not important. the point still is strong!

so the question was, can i, a 24 year old self-respecting man, pick up that box and take it to the check-out and undergo the scrutiny of an elder check-out lady and a pubescent boy bagger, both raising their inner eyebrows as the box is scanned and placed upright in the paper bag (yes i said paper)? can i do it? well, obviously i did, but i am still living with the shame of it. i'll heal some day. until then i'll cope with handfuls of sweet cereal that is good for a woman's heart. that is until i get sick of it.

trendspotting

i've got the jump on you this time demetri martin. i'm way ahead of you.

a few years back, it was popular for a lot of women's shirts to have a little tiny pocket on the sleeve up by the shoulder. i always questioned this little pocket. i mean, what possible use could it have? you could maybe put a cigarette in it--yes just one, or a quarter, or a cookie. of course i never saw any of these potential uses employed. it was too small for a wallet or key chain. no, it had no practical function--it is purely fashionable. though it looked ridiculous and fell out of fashion, perhaps never to return.

my apologies to anyone who still has a shirt with a pocket there.

another trend has risen up, or i should say has risen back up. ripped jeans. yes, it's cool to have those worn out jeans, even if they are worn out the day you buy them. it's more expensive to buy jeans that are falling apart then ones that will last. hey, it's fashion. don't complain.

now we could go into a number of trends that have sprung back up from the 80s. yes, they are returning, and the few of us in my generation who were too young to catch it the first time are old enough to be able to once again laugh at the ridiculousness of all that is over the top. that is, if we're not sucked in by the bright flashiness of it all. deer in the headlights, if you catch my drift.

but no, ripped jeans are not just fashion. now all you "socially conscious" people out there listen up. all you who are more excited now than christmas time because earth day is a mere 15 days away. you can embrace this trend for its shear functionability.

the other day, sitting at a restaurant, i saw a sorority girl using the large rip in her jeans a bit above the knee to hold her cell phone. brilliant! the ingenuity! what resourcefulness. of course, if your jeans aren't quite tight enough to function this way, go ahead and hit up a few all-you-can-eat buffets and fill them out. it's the american way AND now you are doing it for the environment.

so there you have it. you're up to date on the latest trend, and your ready to have your fashion double as saving the earth. no more need for pesky pockets and making poor foreign children go through all those elaborate sewings. think of all the time you're saving them! go ahead, give yourself a pat on the back.

and if you don't have jeans with rips in them, don't despair. just go out and buy a brand new ripped up pair for $99. think of all the good you'll be doing. and if you're a little tight on the cash right now, don't worry, just find yourself a nice big kitchen knife.

strangers

i was in a coffee shop today--the beloved java (not bluestem), sitting across the table from a friend, discussing life and politics and jesus. we were sharing a focaccia round with cholula sauce--oh don't get me started on the goodness of cholula sauce. the sun was slanted across our table, the delightful hum of general coffee shop activity glinted behind. you could here the keys tapping from laptops at the tables nearby. occasionally someone would laugh.

then, all of the sudden we here, "I HAVE BLEEDING SHIN SPLINTS." our conversation stops mid-sentence. the table next to us a woman is on her cell phone, "NO, I HAVE BLEEDING SHIN SPLINTS." and yes, i use all caps because i'm sure everyone in the whole shop could here her--and it's a fairly big place.

people are so funny. sometimes you notice because they're shouting. sometimes you just have to pay a little more attention.

i was at the grocery store today. i tried to go late last night, as i usually do, but i was very dissatisfied with the produce, and half the store was sectioned off for waxing the floors. i left in frustration. anyway, so i'm at the other dillons in manhattan today (in hopes they would have better produce--they did. and no, wal-mart is not an option). ok, so i'm standing in line after gathering all my items (a good amount--i stock up on my trips to the store, because i try to only go about once a month. i don't know why, and i invariably run out of the good things--like produce--but it just takes so much time!). yeah i'm really going to tell the story now.

standing in line, i noticed the woman in front of me. call me snoopy, but in a moment i had a glimpse of her life. she was quite older. grayish-white hair in tight curls held close to her head. solid glasses--the type that have probably been worn for 20 years. a large gray wool coat (it was 60 degrees this afternoon) that extended down below her hips. worn brown polyester pants quite faded. i didn't notice her shoes.

her groceries:
-2 cans of hormel spiced chili
-3 packages of fudge cookies
-1 potato (no bag)
-3 24 packs of milwaukee light beer (cans)
-8 healthy choice italian dinners (manacotti, ravioli, etc)
-1 carton of cigarettes

it's interesting how we can paint a picture of what we assume. for all i know she has many wonderful grandchildren that visit her all the time. or perhaps she has a husband of 40 years she shares all that beer with--i didn't happen to look for a wedding ring. but that one potato. one potato. and her eyes.

i'm not sure, but i think when you have lived that much life you will be off the fence in some ways. i feel like you will either feel like you have figured out something about life and why it's worth living, or you won't have and are either in despair that you have not, or more likely you have created some way to ignore or dilute the lack of satisfaction with life. now, that might be completely off since i'm only 24--but i think to some extent that has to be true. as in a lot of ways its true of anyone any age, it's just perhaps easier to ignore the younger you are. perhaps.

still, the point of it all is that i look at strangers. hell, i look at a lot of people who aren't strangers and i want to ask them the question, "what are you living your life for?" have they thought about it? i mean really thought about it, and does the way they live reflect that? i have to ask myself that question. in some ways i feel like i should ask it every day. does being so intentional take the joy out of life as it is sometimes assumed? no, not at all. fun can be just as much a distraction to joy as somber dedication (though that's not what intentionality truly is). at this point i'm nearly plagiarizing:

"One of the roots of the desire for pleasure is the feeling of emptiness and the pain of boredom following from it. Emptiness is the lack of relatedness to things and persons and meanings; it is even the lack of being related to oneself. Therefore we try to escape from ourselves and the loneliness of ourselves, but we do not reach the others and their world in a genuine relation. And so we use them for a kind of pleasure which can be called "fun." But it is not the creative kind of fun often connected with play; it is, rather, a shallow, distracting, greedy way of "having fun." And it is not by chance that it is that type of fun which can easily be commercialized, for it is dependent on calculable reactions, without passion, without risk, without love. Of all the dangers that threaten our civilization, this is one of the most dangerous ones: the escape from one’s emptiness through a "fun" which makes joy impossible."
--Tillich

Tillich also says that faith is not as much about belief but about ultimate concern. what are you ultimately concerned with, at the deepest level and at the most basic sum of your actions, and that is what you have faith in. that goes with chesterton saying something to the effect of "the dividing line in life is not between christians and non-christians, but between those who think seriously about life and those who do not."

i am not trying at all to be a proponent of life taken so seriously that it has no joy. if you are worried about that, read the full chapter from tillich here. but truly, what good does it do to go through life without knowing why you are doing 90% of the the things you do? maybe it's wrong of me to assume strangers are living that way. maybe they are full of purpose. but then why don't i see it in their eyes? do they see it in mine?

what if i went up and asked one of them completely out of the blue, "what are you living your life for?"?

2-0

yes, the royals are taking the series against who most are saying is "the best team in baseball."

b. bannister: 7ip, 2 hits. solid.

greinke takes the mound tomorrow...sweep anyone?


let's all soak in this hope and winning record while we can...mmm that's nice.

nouwen

"When we think about the people who have given us hope and have increased the strength of our soul, we might discover that they were not the advice givers, warners or moralists, but the few who were able to articulate in words and actions the human condition in which we participate and who encouraged us to face the realities of life. Preachers who reduce mysteries to problems and offer Band-Aid-type solutions are depressing because they avoid the compassionate solidarity out of which healing comes forth. But Tolstoy's description of the complex emotions of Anna Karenina, driving her to suicide, and Graham Greene's presentation of the burned out case of the Belgian architect Querry, whose search for meaning leads him to his death in the African jungle, can give us a new sense of hope. Not because of any solution they offered but because of the courage to enter so deeply into human suffering and speak from there. Neither Kierkegaard nor Satre nor Camus nor Hammarskjold nor Solzhenitsyn has offered solutions, but many who read their words find new strength to pursue their own personal search. Those who do not run away from our pains but touch them with compassion bring healing and new strength. The paradox indeed is that the beginning of healing is in the solidarity with the pain." (emphasis mine)

pachelbel rant

sun kil moon

moorestown is the song. the album--april, is here. well, actually not quite yet--but i have it and it's great.

although i did happen to notice the "genre" for it on my itunes, "sadcore," which is just a little...well, sad. very soothing though. great for a drizzly day.

chazoo!

confession: i have an addiction. i can't stop. i can't help myself. i need help. i need an intervention. i need rescuing.

yes, it's true. i can't stop eating Dinos & Sharks fruit snacks! (chazoo being the brand). i mean, they are just so good! naturally and artificially flavored. made with REAL fruit juice. and seriously, they provide 100% daily value of vitamin c. so they're healthy right??? one pouch is 100 calories and 1g of fat. 22g of carbs and 13g of sugar yes, but look at all that vitamin C!!! as a dessert substitute at least, not so bad right? unless someone out there is going to tell me that they contain some sort of bone enamel or squid parts that will coat my intestines, i think i'm ok.

(this is the part where you intervene, my dear friends)

hiatus

back from arkansas, among other things. sorry for the little blog break. it's over now.

"You alone are unutterable,
from the time you created all things,
that can be spoken of.
You alone are unknowable,
from the time you created all things
that can be known.
All things cry out about you;
those which speak,
and those which cannot speak.
All things honour you;
those which think,
and those which cannot think
For there is one longing, one groaning,
that all things have for you...

All things pray to you
that comprehend your plan
and offer you a silent hymn.
In you, the One, all things abide,
and all things endlessly run to you,
who are the end of all."

Gregory of Nazianzus, 329-389 AD

the test

if you haven't seen this yet, it's awesome. good luck!

http://dothetest.co.uk/

for tom

Mexican stand-off

–noun Informal: Sometimes Offensive.

a stalemate or impasse; a confrontation that neither side can win.

---

[Origin: 1890–95]

this seems to be the situation every couple months when it's dwindling. we all see it going, but who is going to be the one to break down and buy more? who will give in? who can hold out the longest? you see them shrink and disappear. finally you take to using other locations like on campus, or at a restaurant. maybe you even borrow a roll from one of these places, dropping it into your backpack behind locked doors.

yes, the source for toilet paper is always a point of contention. so tonight when all was gone and the need was dire, my roommate tom returned from wal-mart empty-handed. tragic. but he had won in a sense. what was to be my solution? would i have to make a late night run, enduring that knowing smile from the cashier? well good and gracious tom, he had it all figured out.

a roll of paper-towels torn in two. genius! don't you think? what ingenuity! what resourcefulness! and the results?

surprisingly ineffective.

Kierkegaard

"The commandment is that you shall love, but ah, if you will understand yourself and life, then it seems that it should not need to be commanded, because to love people is the only thing worth living for, and without this love you are not really living."

Soren Kierkegaard, Works of Love

10 songs

so the game is, you turn on shuffle on your itunes and play from your whole library, then list the first 10 songs that play--no cheating!

1. Suitcase -- Over the Rhine -- Ohio
2. III Courante -- Bach -- Cello Suite
3. The Man With No Skin -- Great Lake Swimmers
4. The Sporting Life -- The Decemberists -- Picaresque
5. Leif Erikson -- Interpol -- Turn on the Bright Lights
6. Baby's Clean Conscience -- Ugly Casanova -- Diggin' Holes
7. Best of Luck -- Nickel Creek -- Why Should the Fire Die?
8. Strike Me Down -- Reindeer Section -- Son of Evil Reindeer
9. Steel for Papa -- The Flashbulb -- Soundtrack to a Vacant Life
10. Friday I'm in Love -- The Cure -- Galore

there it is. play along!

ps the bonus song that i just can't help putting on:
11. Just a Friend -- Biz Markie

jane austen

"Jane Austen? Why I go so far as to say that any library is a good library that does not contain a volume by Jane Austen. Even if it contains no other book."

"Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone."

--Mark Twain


yes, this is a post that might draw some hatred--but it has to be done. i feel it is my duty. why do i feel it is my duty? because i have an english degree? because i am a man? because no one else has the guts? yes.

so women, what is the fascination with her books? i mean, she wrote pretty much the same story in every one of them right? are they really all that different? and what does it say that about them they that are primarily read by women?

of course we're not trying to judge them on whether or not they are good literature. you could argue both ways, but my favorite english professor loved her, and i respect his opinion enough to believe him. besides the fact that i've never actually read any jane austen :). haha

i guess the real issue here is that i feel like so many people limit themselves when there is so much good stuff out there to read. i feel the same way about tom clancy (on the guy end), or any books with shiny covers, or-dare i say it-j.k. rowling.

women of the world! put down your jane austen and pick up something else! men of the world! put down your tom clancy and pick up something else! pick up something that will challenge you, that will not take you to some escapist fantastical world that has so little bearing to your actual life and the things you experience. we can learn so much from stories about other worlds and such--that's not what i'm talking about. i'm talking about books that have something to say beyond just passing the time.

life is too precious to ever just pass the time.


now of course if you feel jane austen is not just passing the time, please feel free to disagree and inform me as to why. i dare you.

why i love kansas

now, you might not hear me say this all too often, especially when i am complaining about the fall season being way too short, or there usually not being enough snow in winter (not this year!). and though i've lived here nearly all my life, there are many other places i would love to go that are quite special. but no, there are some truly great things about kansas to be sure.

yesterday late afternoon i was laying outside in a bed of pine needles in 70 degree weather, soaking it in as the sun set. the evening remained beautiful, though very windy. this morning it was a little gloomy, and it turned into a wonderful rainy day. i'm not talking about a pseudo-rainy day where it rains for like an hour, i'm talking about raining all. day. long. yes, glorious. it turned to thunderstorms as it started to get dark. and then it was snowy heavy, slushy flakes, which have since solidified into snowflakes and it's 35 degrees outside. all this in just over 24 hours. all we needed was a tornado in there somewhere. only in kansas.

of course it's funny that our love for a place has to do so much with the weather. never mind the great people, the amazing attractions (or lack thereof), or the proximity to the beach and mountains. weather is such a crazy driving force here in america. no, it's not universal. other countries care about the weather far less than we do--even in agrarian countries much more dependent on it than us. we have to know what the weather will be. we have to use it as a filler in dead conversation. we let it dictate our mood. is it just me or does that seem like an unhealthy level of susceptibility? if something as simple as the weather can do that, what chance do we then have against stronger forces?

oh, sorry for that aside. i'm off my soapbox now. of course i also love kansas for the amazing people, but i've already talked about that. seven hours to the mountains--could be worse. the beach? who needs it? way overrated. besides, the thunderstorms we get here are incredible and are incomparable.

quote of the week

"Communion with God is more often an intuition or inner conviction that God's heart is greater than your heart, God's mind is greater than your human mind, and God's light is so much greater than your light that it might blind you and make you feel like you're in the night."

Henri Nouwen

i'm (not) neutral

it's a funny name for a blog if you don't know the back story. i went to switzerland for a semester, a notoriously neutral country, and started this blog to chronicle my travels there. i appreciated the irony, as a blog is usually a place for anything but neutrality. i suppose it is that irony that has allowed me to keep the name, though i have thought often about changing it. somehow it still just seems to fit.

i'm not a very decisive person usually. i'm wondering if that is truly the case, or if i just give way to others more often because that is the general condition of a youngest child. you rarely get your way, so it doesn't do much good to fight for it. there are other methods to get your way of course, and the baby of the family is certainly a master of these techniques most often to the resentment of the older siblings. of course with your parents there is also the benefit of them having just been so exhausted by the first few children that they are too tired to try so hard with you. there just isn't as much need to fight.

i am talking about decisions. i thought an INFJ was supposed to be good at making decisions. it's that J part. i am generally pretty laid back, but if it's something i feel strongly about i'll be as stubborn as they come. a J is supposed to generally understand their feelings a bit more as well. i suppose that's why it is even harder when there is confusion.

when i decided to come to k-state i didn't give it a ton of thought. after a semester here i thought i had made a mistake, chosen the wrong place, hadn't listened to God in it. i think i was wrong about that--i am so glad i ended up here in manhattan. but in the midst of wrestling with feeling like i had made that mistake God didn't tell me that i had made the wrong decision. he told me that it wasn't my job to try to fix it by transferring, but rather that he had made it right. thank God for the goodness of God.

still though, i wonder what life would have been like if i had gone somewhere else. and i think that even as i am extremely please with how it went. what if i wasn't so satisfied with the course i took? and i didn't even understand the weight of that decision at the time--how could i? is it easier to not know how critically important the decision ahead is? sometimes it seems like it.

is it possible to take a direction at a fork in the road and not wonder where the other path may have led? but you can't just stand at the fork. neutrality is cowardice. but that of course is the point--it's meant to be ironic. i will not be neutral.

how do you just make one of the hardest decisions in your life?

east of eden - fistful of quarters

ok this movie is hilarious, and awesome. it is extremely well done. it's the type of movie that is really cool and not a lot of people know about it--but soon it will be the next spellbound and it will be popular and those of you out there who think things lose credibility once they have become mainstream will no longer take so much delight in it, like napoleon dynamite or juno or death cab.

still, it has quite the story and characters, complete with its nerds, protagonists, and villains. particularly there is one villain. his name is billy mitchell. he's sleazy, arrogant, has the trophy wife, self-absorbed, has a terrible style, and is somewhat of a coward. at the end of the movie we were all expressing our extreme hatred for the guy, calling him names and talking about sending him hate mail. of course, we were just joking around, but i'm sure the type of people who actually do those things will be all over it because the movie did a stellar job of portraying this guy as the biggest douchbag you've ever seen. my favorite line of the movie is from billy: "on my phone it says 'never surrender.'

so i walked away from that movie to my car chuckling to myself at some of the insults we had come up with, however nonetoopleasant they were.

today i finished reading East of Eden. it took me quite awhile but i got there. i really enjoyed it, and while i'm not going to give you a book report, there are some pertinent themes here. as you might guess by the title, the book deals a lot with the question of good and evil. the primary relationship explored is the brother-brother/cain-abel. but throughout the whole book the question keeps coming up of if a person can be good, and if some are destined to evil--if some lack that something that brings goodness.

in the book it seems those who are completely good and those who are completely bad end up alone and isolated. it is those who struggle with their combined nature who find some degree of happiness in life, even if they bring the others around them down with their complexity. humanity is defined by "thou mayest" the choice to do either good or evil. and those idealists who believe in only one it seems are those who cannot truly live their life. it's a powerful theme.

in this story there is one of the evilest characters i've ever read. she has some serious issues. but fortunately the complexity of her keeps you from pure hatred--though horror is an accurate description. these are the sorts of people we find in fiction. they make their point. but perhaps one of steinbeck's points is that these people don't really exist, they don't really live.

so i'm driving home thinking about billy mitchell. he is painted with the brush and we loathe. he is the guy we root for to fail. but billy mitchell is no fictional character. and the beauty of the documentry is that it is just that--a documentary. you cannot look at him and see his acting. you look at him and you see his front. it's so off-putting you are most likely to not allow yourself to look long enough. because it's in his eyes. it's in his trophy wife with plastic breasts and the way he clings to her as he walks around the arcade.

below all the bravado is a human. a man who has sold his identity to a bunch of computer chips, a few buttons, and a joystick. he is dominated by fear. because if he loses this he loses all he is. and if you see this, you see this human just like me and you, then the hatred fades. and if you're not careful you might make the next mistake and pity him, providing another judgment. no, we are all so insecure when it comes down to it. and we have our own little posses that give us the security we need in one way or another.

maybe what we hate so much in billy is what we see in ourselves and wish wasn't there. so we project. or maybe we're much too clever at deceiving ourselves and miss our own constructions. in any event, the wisdom of a little girl still rings true--though she is talking about getting into the guinness book of world records it applies to all we achieve and strive for: "a lot of people ruin their lives trying to do that."

it may be easy to see the pointlessness in spending so much of your life striving to accumulate points on a 30 year old video game. it may be a lot harder to see the pointlessness in a lot of the things we strive for, trying to prove ourselves in whatever way.

blessed

my room has six windows in it. in the winter i keep the blinds closed to try and keep in a little heat. otherwise i like to have them open as much as possible. but right now i just have one of the blinds half up--the one that is just over the top of my computer, so i raise my eyes now and see through the bare branches down to the street below. i can also just see the western sky, a peek of the sunset when it comes. cars pass occasionally, but mostly there is stillness. and the tiny figures of a person or two walking to class.

it's almost as if you have to be this far away to appreciate the magnanimity in people. to see them so tiny. everything else around is all for them, all for us. even the glow of the sunset. we get far too focused on all the surroundings so often. or we become so focused on just one person that the rest become fuzzy.

sometimes there is a desire in me to take far too much of it in. to engage in far too many friendships than one person can hold.
sometimes i want to go off and live secluded from all else, so that i can be free from all that they take. and yet i love to give. but it keeps me from much else.
sometimes i want to love one woman to a depth i cannot even imagine right now. i think that's most of the time.

really though i'm writing this post because i was reflecting on something these past few days. i had a couple friends come to manhattan to visit, a couple phone conversations, and other interactions. i've had a lot of things kind of stirred up in me over the past several weeks, and while life was something slower and calmer--accompanied by a stillness from God not long ago, all that has changed. life has taken off running.

and in the midst of it all i am just incredibly struck by the amazing friends that i have in my life. i cannot express how blessed i feel by them and how fortunate i am in having so many quality presences in my life. for those of you who are them and are in the blogging world, thank you.

life is about people. true joy comes from the beauty of relationship, both with God and people. you can trudge all over europe to seek beauty and find nothing of that true joy. i wish the same blessing upon you all.

give.

my favorites: the rock

well for those of you out there that know me, you might say i'm something of a fairly serious or intense person--in a sort of way. this is really reflected in the art that i love: russian literature, dramatic intense movies, rembrandt, 'melancholy' music, etc.

of course, this does not tell the whole story. and this is a dedication to the other side, the one that doesn't always come out in a place like a blog. in my top 5 movies, right along with braveheart, big fish, the shawshank redemption, and good will hunting--is the rock.

yeah, that's right, the rock. sean connery kicking ass, nicolas cage playing the role he is supposed to--a dorky overachiever, great chase scenes, betrayal, conflict, a good plot, secrets, humor, a thrilling ending, and of course a great soundtrack. yup, that's right. the rock.

i thought about posting a video of a great line, but it's not quite g-rated, so if you want to see it go here. but then go do yourself a favor and go see it if you haven't!

quote of the week

"To be afraid of hell and desirous of a life without pain or trouble in heaven was not in itself Christian. It was self-interest on a higher level...But even in more spiritual forms of conversion, as long as men are wholly intent on their own destiny, they do not necessarily emerge from selfishness. It only changes its form. A Christian regeneration must have an outlook toward humanity and result in a higher social consciousness.
The saint of the future will need not only a theocentric mysticism which enables him to realize God, but an anthropocentric mysticism which enables him to realize his fellow-men in God."

Walter Rauschenbusch in 1917

something of a lullaby

if you haven't heard bon iver yet, here's a taste. it's incredible. i couldn't find my favorite song of his to put on here, but this will do. enjoy.

shortcuts

the wisdom today comes from our friend steinbeck: "In uncertainty I am certain that underneath their topmost layers of frailty men want to be good and want to be loved. Indeed, most of their vices are attempted short cuts to love."

damn straight. of course we tend to focus on the misguided short cuts--the bad things to get money or power so we will be loved, or the misguided loves--that when we feel pleasure or delight that is in some way love. but are their other vices in pursuing love in ways that are accepted?

what are our shortcuts?

does this have to do with our belief that love is finding yourself, when in reality maybe love actually is losing yourself? ok maybe it's both. but do we give up on losing ourselves for the finding? do we take a shortcut that way?

do we jump into something that is not yet its time? or are we so driven by the need that we our desire for love is tainted--it can no longer be a pure and good want in our life?

do we avoid the brokenness and vulnerability that is necessarily to truly receive love? or do we try to earn it by being so good as to not need to go to that place with God, with another, with a family member?

is love something that needs to be earned? it's at least something that does not truly come quickly that is for sure--no matter what you want to say about love at first sight. it is much to full to happen in an instant.

many more thoughts could come from this very rich statement. i don't have any more right now.

anna

so this was my four year old niece's quote of the evening, as we all were sitting around the kitchen table talking after dinner:

"um, you guys, can we go out in the living room? i just want to go out there and chill with you guys."

wow, so precious.

quote of the week

"The first task of seeking guidance then is to touch your own struggles, doubts, and insecurities--in short, to affirm your life as a quest. Your life, my life, is given graciously by God. Our lives are not problems to be solved but journeys to be taken with Jesus as our friend and finest guide."

Henri Nouwen

this is great

just try to tell me you're not in tears after watching that.